Bye, Felicia.

It's February. And I'm posting my 2016 New Year's Eve post, which is a success if you ask me, because I posted Emma's bday post like five months late because that's my new motto: "better late than never." *stares in mirror with judgmental eyes*

Yeah so, a whole ton of people seem to agree that 2016 was a bullshit year. If ever there was a year that we could just mulligan and do over... it would be 2016.

But it's over now. Bye, Felicia.

Will 2017 be better? Who knows. It could be an extension of the shit show, or it could give way to better, brighter things. I'll always remain hopeful and positive, because that's what I do. (and, since it's now February, I can say that 2017 at least started off on a better foot and the future is looking bright. I even already managed a second trip to Alaska, which included the most amazing Valentine's date EVER and is probably the start of something really, really wonderful *enormous grin*)

On New Year's Eve of 2015, leading into 2016, I was broken. I was so lost and confused, having no idea what the next year would look like. I didn't know where I was going to live, work, and who was going to be in my life. My separation caused an exodus of people from my life, and I was reeling from that. I knew my house would be sold and I'd have to move into my own place, but I had no idea what that whole process would look like for me. I struggled to find hope for those things, because I was feeling the weight of the enormous losses I was experiencing. Everything was crumbling down around me, and I had to wait for it all to fall and for the dust to settle before I could truly tell what the damage was, and what was left.

I'll avoid blogging about the first few months of the year, because I mentioned them in my 30th birthday post and I don't want to keep repeating the awfulness that was the beginning of 2016. Trust me, I started typing it all out just now and deleted it because it's god-awful and depressing. The good news is that I made it through. I have my own apartment, the dust has settled, and things are okay. Money is super tight, and most days it's a struggle to keep up. I'm one car repair away from financial upheaval... but. My daughter is happy and healthy and loved, my family is healthy (including my dad, big sigh of relief, although my grandfather has since passed and my family has been grieving that loss over the last month), and things are generally alright. So, suck it, 2016.

The obvious highlight of the year was my epic two-week wife trip to Alaska. I had originally wanted to go for my birthday in June, but then decided to wait until August/September so that I would have a chance of seeing the Auroras. Since i needed to sign up for my own credit card after the separation, I did some research and found one with good travel rewards, and was able to earn enough rewards to pay for all but about $98 of my tickets. Best $98 I've ever spent... so off I went, spending a whole day in airports and planes, headed straight for my platonic soulmate. And it exceeded my expectations. Not only did I get to see the Auroras (a lot!), I got to see an Auroral substorm that completely blew my mind. I stood on the top of a small mountain with my best friend, wrapped up in a blanket like a lesbian burrito, watching the lights shimmer above us. I camped on the side of a mountain overlooking a river, and watched the Auroras over a campfire. I peed in a whole lot of outhouses (eww!). I camped on an island, and subsequently broke down camp and canoed across a lake in 45 degree weather in the rain. I hiked and climbed mountains, and relaxed in some natural hot springs. And I made a new, life-long best friend, too (who ended up blowing my mind during Alaska trip 2.0 and is now my total fave, SWOON)! The whole trip was perfection. Complete and total perfection. Alaska is my spirit state. Despite the outhouses. Oh, and I didn't get eaten by a bear #winning

It was an election year, which is always horrible in and of itself. But this year was a absolute circus, and by November 8th, I was ready to hide in a cave to avoid reading one more condescending facebook meme. Mostly, I was disappointed and saddened that in this great technological age in which we have the largest library of information at our fingertips, we still somehow fail to fact-check and consider our sources. My takeaway is that I'm going to make sure Emma knows the difference between spreading truth and knowledge, and finding anything on the internet that backs up what you already believe. And that goes far beyond politics, as well. The massive amount of pseudoscience spewed on social media (did you know that glucose is an invention of satan and that ridding your home of negative-ion producing electronic devices can reduce your risk of cancer by 57%? Google it, because I'm nearly certain that, even though I just made all of that up, there may actually be some website out there that states those things as Dwight-Schrute-fact) is astonishing to me. Anyone can make a website with a strong enough claim to scare people about cancer or petroleum products in our food, and BAM! People start believing it without any actual scientific evidence to back any of that up. Conveniently, the next argument is *insert conspiracy theory here about how scientists are paid to tell us what "they" (the "they" is never specified) want us to hear because corporations are greedy* So, yeah. Hooray for all of that.

So. 2016: divorce, election, all kinds of disappointment.

Anyways.

I did, however, grow so much as a human being. Or at least I think I did. Terrible situations like divorce can either turn a person into a bitter, angry human being or can force a person into becoming a better, stronger human being. I chose the latter as my goal, and I think I'm on my way.

Q&A time, because I was a Livejournal kid and it's nostalgic and such.

"1. What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?
Saw the Northern Lights, went camping in ALASKA, rode an ATV in the mountains, saw Denali, went trail running for the first time (I'm hooked!), ran my first 5k race, did a mud run 5k, got tattoos, took my kid out of state on vacation for the first time, climbed a mountain from base to top, moved into my very own apartment and started living on my own, took kiddo to Disney, flew 5400 miles all by myself, etc. (what a year!)

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No. I don't make New Year's resolutions. My goal for the year, though, was to process and heal from my separation and divorce, and to learn how to successfully live on my own and be independent. I think I managed to do all of those things!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one super close to me, but lots of my friends had the cutest little babies!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I am so, so grateful that I can say "no" to this one again this year. I know that answer will change one year, but for now, I am very thankful to have all of my loved ones. This was an incredibly tragic year for many people... it seemed like every month I was hearing of a tragic loss. Sigh.

**update: since I started this post when I was supposed to (back in the beginning of December), but am finishing it two months later, I feel it's apt to mention the terrible loss of my maternal grandfather. He passed on January 21, after spending a week in Hospice surrounded by his loved ones. I was sad that I wasn't able to make it up there to see him, but will cling tightly to the wonderful memories I have of him. Including the time that he plucked me out of the bottom of the pool when I was a wee tot and fell through my inner tube and didn't know how to swim. The man literally saved my life. And aside from that, I always admired him. My grandfather was a very strong, sharp man who taught me a great many valuable lessons when I was little. He will be missed so sorely.

5. What countries did you visit?
I think I'll change this question to "where did you go on vacation?" since I'm too poor to go out of the country any time soon ROFL.
So, answer: North Carolina in May, GA/NC in June, lots of camping in Florida, Ormond Beach in August, Alaska in August/September (trip of a lifetime, can't wait to go back soon!)

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?
Stability. More happiness, less tears. And money, although I know I can make it without that.

7. What date from 2016 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
My entire Alaska trip, for sure. My birthday. My first single Mother's Day. Those are the good ones.
The not-so-good ones (unfortunately)... Easter. 2/10/16... the day we got the offer on my beautiful home, and the day I found out my dad had cancer.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Running! Although by some people's standards, it's not much of an accomplishment because I'm still slow, but I went from not being able to run a half mile without stopping, to running 8 miles in the woods! I met some amazing friends in the process, too.
I also moved out on my own, for the first time in my life. And I survived. I have a fully furnished (too furnished, really) place that is entirely mine. I pay my bills with no help. I feed my child and buy her clothes and shoes and toys with my own money. It's not been easy for me, but I've learned to live a simpler life in order to provide for my kid, and I'm damned proud of that.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Keeping my emotions in check. I was a mess for the first few months of the year, and suddenly found it impossible to bite my tongue and filter myself. I said and did things that I regret, out of anger and being hurt. But I learned a lot in that process... sometimes you have to break into pieces and rebuild yourself entirely in order to be a better person.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ugh yes, and it seemed like it was always something. Let's see. there was the nerve issue that caused half (or more!) of my face to go numb. My back injury. My calf muscle problems. Relentless headaches. Oh and, my ovary adhered to my colon, which then adhered to my abdominal wall so I spent the majority of 2016 in some kind of pain, including a few days in which I was a useless, hunched over lump of whining grumpiness. But surgery seems to have corrected that issue so far (fingers and toes crossed).

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Furniture for my new place! It was all used, but I painted it and made it my own, and I LOVE the way it all turned out. And my Baby Bunny! She's the best pet... I just love her. I also can't neglect to mention my super-sweet washer and dryer that I bought like a ninja. I was renting a standard set from my apartment complex, and decided to help build my credit by charging a new set on an interest-free credit card and paying it off before the interest-free period ended. Mission status: accomplished :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My boyfriend. While our relationship didn't end up working out in the end, he was instrumental in helping me through my most difficult time and helping me understand what it's like to be loved and valued and cared for. He decided to be in my life during my worst time, and I can only hope that it was worth it for him too. I learned a lot from our relationship, including the fact that sometimes two people can be really close but just not be compatible for the long-run, and that's okay.
My wife (my BFF)! We have never been so far apart physically, but so close in spirit. My trip to Fairbanks was the best wife trip ever, and we spent a lot of time becoming much closer and bonding over nature and recent life experiences.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
*crickets keep chirping from last year* (and it was an election year... enough said)

14. Where did most of your money go?
- bills, moving into my apartment, supporting my child. Ugh, I need a second job!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Alaska! I can't believe I didn't pee my pants.

16. What song will always remind you of 2016?
2016: A few... "Let it Hurt" by Rascal Flatts; "Comeback Kid" by The Band Perry; and what's that Chumbawumba song? lol

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder: Happier. I'm not all the way there yet, but last year on NYE I was completely shattered and couldn't stop crying. This year, I was in a much better place.

Thinner or fatter? Thinner, kind of. I'm more muscular now from working out and running, and then I lost some weight from my surgery.

Richer or poorer? Broke AF.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Biting my tongue, figuring out a way to not let my emotions get the best of me. And trail running! I really wish I had done more trail running, without a doubt.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Crying. Lashing out.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Drugged up and in pain. lol. Xmas Eve at my parents' house, and xmas morning at my apartment with kiddo (the BEST!). Then Christmas Day with my in-laws.

21. Did you fall in love in 2016?
I sure did. I fell very much in love with a very good man, and despite having been so hurt by my divorce, I was still able to let myself go and give him my whole heart.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Orange is the New Black, Stranger Things, Peaky Blinders

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope. I don't hate anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?
Ummmmm... pass (did I even read a book last year? AUGH!)

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Bishop Briggs!

26. What did you want and get?
My own place!

27. What did you want and not get?
My intact family, and every day with my daughter, sigh. I also wanted a new job, but that didn't work out either. And more money, which was also a big fat FAIL.

28. What was your favorite film?
Probably "Bad Moms" although I was fighting back some hardcore tears at one point. Too soon! And "What Dreams May Come." Oh and, I actually really liked "Trolls" #noshame

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was off for the day, so I slept in (yay!). I spent some time with my baby girl, and then went for a run and had a surprise bday party afterwards :) First birthday party in ten years!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?
I'm not quite sure how to answer that this year...

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
An actual baked potato? I used to be able to buy clothes whenever I needed them, but not anymore. I wore a lot more dresses, because I just don't have the money for a good pair of dress pants for work (and then having them hemmed). Lots more workout gear, too. And i may have actually gone to the store (briefly) in yoga pants once or twice so I'm pretty sure my transformation into a full mom is nearly complete.

32. What kept you sane?
My boyfriend, my friends, and my job (believe it or not!)

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Chris Pratt, duh

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Oh boy... let's see... abortion (pro-choice does not mean pro-abortion!), civil rights, rights for transgendered people, etc etc etc

35. Who did you miss?
My wife!!!!

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My soul twin in Alaska... I legit met someone who is exactly like me in nearly every way, except he's a big black Army Sergeant lmao. Instant best friends!
My new friends from run club! They are the best ever, and are some truly awesome and inspiring people.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
Time heals. In the thick of things, it feels like it'll never end and it'll always hurt, but time does heal the heart.
I learned that sometimes you just have to let go, and understand that people make their own decisions for their own reasons, and you can't make someone understand something if they aren't ready.
I learned that I am worthy of time, and effort, and love. That I'm a valuable human being, and a strong one at that. I learned that I can be a working single mom and not die from stress. I learned who I am as a person, and what my deepest flaws are.
I also learned that sometimes the most painful decisions are the right ones to make... you can't force someone to be a person that they aren't. You must take everyone as they are. Of course there's always room for personal growth, and I respect anyone who has a constant desire to grow and learn. But sometimes people just are who they are, and that's okay. But sometimes a relationship, while good in the moment, just can't last forever if the two people involved are inherently different in fundamental ways. And when you come to that conclusion, the right choice (while painful for both) is to go your separate ways while you can continue to hold onto the good memories, instead of getting to the inevitable point of not getting along anymore.
One of the most difficult lessons for me to learn, although it seems like an obvious one, is that I can't force people to remain in my life. I have no enemies in life, or at least none that I know of. So I'm not used to people exiting. And exit, they did. I guess it boggles my mind to have a good, happy relationship with people one day, and then the next day they act completely differently towards me solely because I'm no longer in a relationship with their friend/relative. I can understand if I was some raging crazy person who did and said terrible things to people, but I didn't. They just disappeared, or decided that I was no longer worthy of their time and friendliness, which makes me question their genuineness to begin with. All of this sounds very passive-aggressive and like I'm trying to get a message across to someone but I'm not, because I can almost guarantee that those people who are done with me now are not actually reading any of this. It's just very disappointing to know that people existed in my life solely because of who I was dating or married to. Love me today, done with me tomorrow, although I am the same person I was yesterday. I've remained friends with friends/relatives of exes, and shoot, I even stayed friends with my brother's ex-wife because... omg, she's still the same person she was when she was married to him so if I loved her then, I should love her now. That's just my philosophy. But the lesson in this, is that I can't make people love me and I have to respect their decision to move on. I need to accept my losses as they come, and figure out how to move on myself.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"No I'm not leaving, even though I'm bleeding, even though this nightmare makes me wish I was dreaming, even though I hate it, I'm gonna take it until I win. Cuz I'm a comeback, I'm a comeback kid. Don't know why bad things happened but they did. I don't think I deserve the hurt I get, but I'm made for it. It's not the end, no it's not the end. I'm a comeback kid. Down for a minute I'll get up again. Looks like I'm breaking but it's just a bend, it's not over yet. Cuz in the end I'm a comeback, I'm a comeback kid... I believe in what I am, I believe in what I was, I believe in losing you I've never been given so much, I believe it's been a year, the worse one I've ever lived, I believe I'm better now than I have ever been. I believe that ever since everything went south, I believe in every word that ever came out of my mouth. I believe you missed me but you don't have to miss cuz I'm not leaving again... I'll save you a spot at my big parade, you're all invited on my comeback day. I'll serve you ice cream and lemonade."