Miracle Gro Baby

I mentioned in a few previous posts that I had gotten breast milk all over everything in my life. No longer true- my life is now covered in baby vomit because I have a small volcano living in my house. A volcano that happens to spew baby vomit every few minutes with no warning.

UPDATE GO!

Last Wednesday, Emma weighed 7lb 9oz. Today, Friday, she weigh 8lb 8oz. Holy fat baby... I guess we can stop feeding her potato chips now. She stopped getting her Neosure within the last week as we figured she was growing so well that she didn't need the extra calories anymore, so we finished what was left in the can and said "so long" to the preemie formula. I was thinking that her weight gain would have slowed up a bit after discontinuing her twice daily protein shakes, but apparently I was quite far from correct. The doctor (who is British... so every time we see her, I immediately think of Mary Poppins! I'm guilty of sterotyping, obviously. But we love her- she's so awesome with Emma and Emma seems to really like her) said she was very pleased with Emma's growth and that she's "following her growth curve" very well. My miracle is growing... it's like she's getting Miracle Gro for babies ;)

Also, she hasn't had a Brady in three days. THREE DAYS! *happy dance* And for those of you not familiar with my happy dance, it's like the twist with a lot more butt wiggling and grinning. I'll let you visualize that for a second............. anyways, I couldn't be happier with her progress. The neonatologist mentioned to us before Emma was discharged that she would probably be able to come off the monitor around her due date, but over the last two weeks I was seriously beginning to doubt that. But without realizing it, they began tapering off last week and she went from having a few events every day to having one or two that weren't lasting nearly as long. Then, like a light switch, they got dramatically better and she started having maybe one per day, and sometimes going a day without one altogether. I then did a little thinking and realized that she spit up very infrequently when she first came home but was brady-ing like crazy, but now spits up like crazy and brady's infrequently. Ah-ha! The doctor was right- her events seemed to be caused by her reflux. My hunch is that she wasn't able to fully spit up, so it was just coming up into her throat and causing her airway to close. It's either that, or her system is finally developed enough that her airway doesn't close off every time she starts to vomit. Regardless, she's doing so much better. The doctor said she'd like for Emma to go for two weeks without a significant event before she'd feel comfortable taking her off the monitor... but the end is nearing! It'll be nice to take her somewhere without fear of her alarm going off in public and having a ton of strangers look on as I panic and try to get her to breathe. Actually, as I was checking out at the doctor's office, there was a loud beep from behind the counter and my heart skipped a beat before I realized that it wasn't Emma's monitor. I'm going to have PTSD for a little while after having this monitor, kind of like how hubby suddenly becomes very alert when he hears a tone similar to the tones that would go off when he would get a call at the fire station.

I can't wait for her to be off this monitor. I feel a little trapped inside my own home, as she's plugged into the wall and the cord reaching from her little chest to the monitor only reaches so far. We're kind of tethered to the living room, and only one seat on the couch at that. It's so much of a hassle to unplug the monitor, gather the cords, and carry the monitor along with the baby... it's not impossible, but it's usually not worth it. But today, on the tail of her sudden progress, I decided that it was high time that we bust out of this living room and venture into other places together. So while I let the dog out this morning, I unplugged her from the monitor and took her out onto the patio to get some fresh air and sun. I guess she liked it? It's difficult to tell with her...

LOL! She's so fat now. After her doctor's appointment, I decided it was also time to nurse her in the fancy shmancy Little Castle glider I coveted for so long before finally buying it. The darn thing wasn't cheap, so we had better get some use out of it! I created the nursery of my dreams (well, of my realistic dreams) and right now it's just storage for her stuff as her real nursery is our living room right now. In fact, her glider has only been used by a friend when her son, Emma's future husband, demanded to nurse instead of bottle feed when they came to visit... but I haven't gotten to use it yet! So I used it today. It is so much more comfortable than this darned couch and I like being able to put up my feet without having to recline. It was heaven. Now we just have to put a TV on the wall above her dresser and I'm all set to go!

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to kill myself over breastfeeding anymore, but I'm also not going to give up. I've decided to strike a balance- I'll nurse her during the day (or pump while I'm at work) and bottle feed at night. Sometimes she refuses to nurse and if she continues to refuse and doesn't ever want to nurse again, then I'll let myself dry up. I was so conflicted over making the decision to stop breast feeding, but the decision is now hers. I guess that's a lot for an 8 1/2 pound baby, but I'll just follow her cues and see what happens. I feel much better about it now, although I'd love for her to exclusively breast feed or take breast milk from a bottle. There are pros and cons to both... so I guess it's not all that bad that we're doing both.

So much for respiratory distress syndrome. This kid can cry. And cry she does... she definitely doesn't want us to forget her when she's hungry. Her cry is so much different from what it was when she was in the NICU. It's crazy to think that I watched her struggle to breathe only a matter of weeks ago, and here she is screaming at me when she wants to eat.

I just saw a tiny hummingbird flying around the hibiscus plant next to the patio. That's a pretty big deal in this part of Florida. Random interjection complete.

No wonder this kid is so huge... hubby is feeding her right now and she keeps demanding more. She's already downed four ounces of formula and is working on ounce number five. She has had a few days of being very, very, very fussy and we thought it was the Similac Sensitive that we had been giving her. In retrospect, I think it was the Fenugreek supplement I was taking for my milk supply, so I've stopped taking that to see if she feels any better. If she doesn't get better, then I know that it's not the supplement. This whole parenting thing is a lot of trial and error... but we're all getting much more comfortable and confident and I'm finally getting the hang of maneuvering her car seat and getting it in and out of the back of my car. I bought my car four months before I found out I was pregnant, thinking it would be a great family car and that the leather seats would be wonderful with a kid. I was right about all of that, but didn't realize that the roof line would make it a little difficult to get a car seat in and out, even for someone as short and petite as me.

It's amazing how sleep deprivation can really ruin your whole day. Hubby ordered me into bed last night and stayed up late to feed her, despite having to be up at 6am to go to work. I've been getting about four hours of sleep per night lately, and I managed to get three full hours in prior to her middle-of-the-night feeding last night. Add in a cup of coffee this morning, and I was practically dancing around in the nursery living room. Ah, sleep. I once needed about nine hours every night to be able to function well during the day... memories. Nothing but distant memories.

The dog punched Emma in the face today... I put Emma in her pillow (newborn lounger. Where she doesn't sleep. lol) so I could get her car seat ready for our big trip to the doctor. While I was kneeling next to her, the dog got so excited about me being on the floor, that she tried to jump up into my face. In the process, she used Emma's face as a step stool. Yep. Dog paw directly on the mouth and nose. I think Emma wasn't quite sure what had just transpired, but she did fuss for a second afterward and seemed generally annoyed by the sudden presence of a furry foot on her face.

PICTURES!

 Her new Boppy newborn lounger. But she's not sleeping in it... sleeping in it is illegal.

 Riley thinks it's her pillow.

 Emma took it back. These two are going to have an all-out brawl over this pillow one day.

 Sleeping with her feet propped up on 8/29.

She's like Chris Christie fat.

Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Backward

I wish this whole "two steps forward, two steps backward" thing was followed by a "cha cha cha" and that is was pertaining to some kind of awesome dance I'm learning. Alas- it's not.

I somehow had some sort of boost of confidence and drive on Friday, the day after my last blog post, and ended up nursing Emma for all of her feeds that day. I supplemented with formula for the most part, but was able to nurse her every time during the day and it made me feel a lot better. But Saturday was a different story- she just didn't want to nurse for most of the day and would fight me over it. She just refused to latch and would fuss, squirm, and cry. I was devastated, as I thought we were making some progress and suddenly I felt like we were in an even worse place than we were a few days ago. So I pumped a few times, which only deflated me even more (no pun intended) because I couldn't even pump an ounce of milk. I pumped right before bed and angrily told hubby that what I pumped wasn't even worth storing, then trucked into the kitchen and washed up the pumping parts and reluctantly, upon much encouragement from hubby, poured the sad amount of milk into a bottle for later use. I then resigned to bed feeling completely defeated.

I fed her at 2:30am and she puked all over me. My shirt was soaked. I just feel so bad for her when she pukes so much because I know she's not getting as much nutrition when she loses so much of her lunch.

Yesterday (Sunday) was a bit better with the nursing, but she's still been acting a little funny. Last night, she just cried and squirmed and flailed around after I fed her and I just couldn't do anything to make her feel better. She puked all over me again, including straight down my cleavage (thanks, kid), and hubby offered to hold her while I showered and took a break from trying to console her. I was getting frustrated and sad- I hate when she's so upset. Showering really helped and I think that'll be my go-to method of coping when she's that fussy and I need a break.

Did I mention that she cries now? I'm not talking some wimpy preemie cry either. She cries. Loudly. It's as if she suddenly discovered that she has lungs and vocal chords and that, when used in conjunction with one another, they can make mommy jump to action. Hubby thought it was cute the other day for a few moments- probably due to the novelty of our formerly-four-pound-baby making such a loud noise- but I about had a fit because I don't like it when she cries!

Something magical came to the front door today- Emma's Boppy Newborn Lounger! I ordered it because I figured it would be a big help for having her upright after a feed without me having to hold her forever, thus freeing me up to work and do other things instead of being tied up holding her. Not that I don't love snuggle time with her, but mama has things to do! I think it'll also be a good work companion so she has a place to sit other than her carseat when I take her into the office. So after I nursed and bottle fed her this afternoon, I plopped her down on her lounger and she settled right down and fell asleep. Now there's this wonderful little tag on the lounger that sternly dictates that this thing is "never ever" to be used for sleeping. Right. And everyone always comes to a complete stop at every stop sign. So this soft pillow that is perfectly contoured for a little baby to snuggle right in and get comfy is only to be used for that one to two hours of the day that the baby isn't sleeping. So they can... you know... lie comfortably but not sleep. I get why that tag is there... it all boils down to liability. I'm not going to just put her to bed in the thing and then go shopping or something- I'm always near her. Somehow I think she'll be alright, but just don't tell her that I'm blatantly breaking the rules because I don't want her to think that she can break the rules too ;)

We finally got her new medication today. Insurance doesn't cover it but it's only $40 for a one month supply and if it works, it's completely worth it to me. Just add that into the "unanticipated expenses" column of the baby budget. Also add the cost of formula, as I was dead-set on exclusively breastfeeding from long before I even found out I was pregnant. But that didn't happen. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and there have been so many factors working against my breastfeeding endeavors:
First, she was in the NICU for three weeks. I wasn't able to have her latch on for about two whole weeks. When my milk supply was trying to regulate itself, I was only pumping. So my body thought it didn't need to produce so much. I also have PCOS, which I've found out can dramatically affect milk supply since it's a big disruption in hormone levels. She also started feeding from a bottle in the NICU, which made her become angry and frustrated when trying to breastfeed. Bottle= instant gratification. Booby= work. And now we're caught in this vicious cycle where she'll nurse on each side but won't get enough to feel full. So then she needs a bottle and I can't just nurse her more often so she won't want a bottle afterward. There is no denying this child food when she's hungry.

So anyways, we finally have Prevacid in hand and are hopeful that it works. Now if only we can get her to take it. We also discovered that the Similac Sensitive formula that the doctor gave us as a sample is not good with Emma's tummy. She just gets so unbelievably fussy after she's had it, so I called the doctor's office and was told that we could start her on regular newborn formula to see how she tolerates it. So here goes nothin'.

The biggest lesson I've learned over the last eleven weeks (can you believe my little miracle baby, the one we all prayed for, is already seven weeks old?!) is that I just can't plan everything out. It'll happen how it's supposed to, and I don't have control over everything. In fact, I didn't have control over my body. I didn't have control over whether or not I could breastfeed her exclusively. And I didn't have control over when she was born. I don't have control over whether or not she feels well. And I don't have control over how long it'll take to figure out what she needs for her tummy to be alright.

At the risk of jinxing this big time, I'll proudly say that Emma has gone over 24 hours without a Brady! Wahoo! She has choked while feeding multiple times, but her heart rate has stayed strong. It has dropped a little bit a few times, but not low enough to set off the alarm at least. I'll count it as progress until further notice :)

New Day, New Plan

If I had written a blog post yesterday, the bulk of it would have been along the lines of "why did I have a baby again?" and "I'm throwing in the towel on breastfeeding" and "iohygbkwjetblwkher." That last part would have been random mumblings resulting from sheer exhaustion. Yea. Yesterday was rough.

It all started the other night when I didn't get any kind of real sleep. Then I had to be up and about early in the morning so I could start working before the real excitement began- Emma's Auntie Lauren came over for a bit as did the respiratory therapist to download the data from the cardiorespiratory monitor. Having my BFF over gave me the opportunity to get a few things done (like changing my clothes and brushing my teeth... lol. but seriously.) and send out some more emails for work. When she left, I had enough time to get some more work done (are we seeing a pattern here? work work work work work) and join a conference call. My mom came over while I was on the call and I scrambled to get ready to take Emma to the doctor. It was my first trip out into the real world without hubby's help... needless to say, I was nervous! My mom brought over some lasagna and bread for us to have for dinner that night- it was completely unexpected but was such a big help. It's so nice to not have to worry about dinner now that we're both back at work and exhausted.

So my mom went with me to the appointment so someone could sit with Emma in the back seat. I still wasn't completely comfortable with venturing out on my own- I'm just so terrified that her alarm will go off while I'm driving by myself. The appointment went well overall... but here's the part about giving up on breastfeeding. I'll admit it- I was seriously hoping that the doctor would tell me that the whole breastfeeding thing wasn't working out and I could just move on and start her on formula. I know... bad mommy. But I've been so overwhelmed. She nurses for ten minutes, then pulls off. I give her the other side, and she nurses for ten minutes, then pulls off. Then she starts flailing and trying to eat her hands because she's still starving, yet if I try to get her to latch again, she gets very angry and refuses. So I was having to give her a bottle of stored breastmilk, which was further depleting my supply because I'm not able to pump as much as I had been. Not even close. And that added to the frustration- at some point, I would run out of stored milk and if she still needed to be supplemented with a bottle, then what would I do?! Also, it was overwhelming to think of nursing her every time. I know a lot of women do it, but I guess the idea of nursing AND bottle feeding AND pumping (to keep up some sort of supply of stored milk) every time was way overwhelming to me. Even just nursing and bottle feeding was a lot to deal with- she has to be held upright for a while after feeding so it's not like I could nurse her, put her back in bed, and then dive into bed myself. It's a process. A big, long, tiring process that leaves me with about an hour to an hour and a half to sleep before I have to get up again to feed her. Now that hubby has to leave for work at 6:30am, I'm taking over all of the middle of the night feedings. Again- I know all nursing moms do that.

So I left the appointment realizing that the doctor basically told me to just continue doing what I was already doing, with one exception- I can start supplementing her nursing sessions with formula if she's still hungry. And we can give her formula feeds throughout the day, but I need to try to nurse her at least four times per day to maintain some kind of milk supply in case she doesn't tolerate formula- we don't want my supply to dry up and find out that she can't handle formula. I did some research today and realized that some breastmilk is better than nothing and as long as I can nurse a few times per day, she's getting some good benefits and I feel so much better about that. So she'll be part formula fed, part breast fed. And I'm completely ok with that prospect.

She's also up to 7lb 9oz! And that was a naked weigh, so it was completely accurate. Needless to say, we can stop giving her the higher calorie formula :) She's also being switched to another medicine for her reflux- the doctor says she has every symptom of severe acid reflux so we're trying to see if we can help her feel more comfortable. Poor baby! She needs a chest x-ray to make sure she isn't aspirating and getting a bunch of junk in her lungs, and if her new meds don't help, then she'll have to see a GI doctor. *sigh* I wish she didn't have to go through this!

I nervously ventured out with Emma today without assistance. My work laptop needed to be fixed and I had to be in the office for that to happen, so like the good worker I am, I packed up the baby and drove to the office. She did so great! But maybe too great... if she had just been fussy, maybe I could have an excuse to not come into the office as much. lol. But at least I learned two things- I can go out with her by myself and she will live (and so will I), and I can also take her into the office for a bit and still get some work done. Wahoo!

I actually felt so much better after going into the office today. It's probably because it felt normal to me and I got more accomplished, which always helps. I was starting to feel like my whole life was just feeding and holding the baby, so to actually feel productive in another way was very much needed. It also reminded me that I really do like my job. And, I'm actually about to go to bed feeling alright instead of exhausted and overwhelmed like I did last night. I think I may just make it out alive. Now let's just hope that Emma doesn't decide that it's party time at 1am like she did last night. That was not fun for this mommy... I was rocking her to help her sleep when she started getting groggy, and I was so tired that I almost fell over! But I have a feeling that she'll be wide awake after I feed her in about two hours. Time to attempt to get some sleep before then.

Firsties

Today was a day of firsts... but not necessarily the good kind of firsts. More like neutral firsts. Or the kind of firsts that every parent experiences at some point. Firsts firsts firsts.

It started with diaper rash. Yep. My baby's bum is rashy for the first time ever. See what I mean about the kind of firsts we're talking about here?

The second first was a good one. Second first? I didn't know those two words could go together and be coherent... anyways, she finally nursed and didn't need a bottle afterward! Woohoo! Although I think it's just because she was way too tired to eat, but regardless, we're making some big strides with the nursing! She refused to nurse in the afternoon and only took 10mL from her bottle. She had a very fussy morning and spent about two hours snuggled on her daddy's chest because she wouldn't settle down any other way and this mommy was napping. What a good hubby/daddy :) Hubby woke me up to let me know that she was stirring and probably ready to eat, but this is when she refused to nurse and only took a smidge from her bottle. She was exhausted. I woke her up a few hours later as it had been five hours since she had actually had a real feed and I figured she was starving but was too tired to realize it. She ended up nursing for about 20 minutes total and then passed the heck out. I was so proud of her though! About two hours later, she was hungry again and nursed for about 20 minutes total again, then daddy gave her a bottle. She stayed awake, so we let her explore her playmat, have a little underwhelming tummy time, and then gave her a bath. I held her for a while afterward and she fell asleep in my arms. Of course she slept soundly until just before I was going to put her in bed, at which time she started fussing. So I nursed her again and she nursed well, but then had me running into the kitchen on two separate occasions to make up bottles for her. There was about 1oz of milk in the fridge, so I gave that to her, thinking that she wouldn't take much because she had seemed to nurse so well. Wrong. So I had to put her down and go back into the kitchen to get another bottle ready and offered her a little less than 2oz this time, and she eagerly took all of it. She even looked like she wanted more and was flailing around. In desperation, I offered her the last few drops that were in the bottle and for some unknown reason this actually satisfied her and she calmed down. Once again, she slept soundly until after I put her in bed. While I was making her second bottle, she got herself all worked up (even let out a few cries!) and spit up all over the left side of her onesie. It was drenched, but she was so hungry that I figured it would be counterproductive to change her since she would likely spit up even more and get even hungrier. So I had to end up putting her in bed with a wet onesie like a totally awful parent. lol ;)

This is where things get interesting and messy. She kept on fussing, so I gave her some of her Colic Calm. The stuff occasionally works wonders but has charcoal in it so it stains everything black. With the help of a Numimed- a pacifier that administers meds (genius!)- we've gotten to the point where it doesn't get all over everything within a six-foot radius of her mouth. So I gave it to her and resumed my bottle washing endeavors, at which point she spit up even more. Despite being fussy, she was mostly asleep so I debated about whether or not to change her outfit and get her out of her wet onesie. Then I smelled the diaper. My mind was made up- she had to get changed.

So then came the third first- I changed her poopy diaper and as I was getting her new outfit on, I smelled that telltale smell again. Yep, she pooped. Again. That's not the first time that's happened to me though... I gave her a few minutes to finish, then popped open the diaper and started to change her but... she wasn't done. And the only thing I had to use as a barrier was a wipe and thank God it did the trick or I'd be in the shower right now. So for the first time, she pooped while I was changing her. I'm sure it'll happen many more times before she's out of diapers. When do kids get potty trained again? 2 years old? Hmmm... we may just start trying around... I don't know... 9 months. lol.

She's had two bradys in the last 24 hours. Not bad! It's definitely progress. Now that the pediatrician suggested that her bradys are from her reflux, it makes so much more sense. I'm certain that's what it is. I don't think it makes me feel any better, though, because I had originally hoped that she would grow out of it. She'll eventually grow out of the reflux, but not as quickly as if she was just brady-ing because of suck/swallow/breathe coordination issues.

Her second brady was around 10:30 tonight, after hubby went to bed. He has to go back to work tomorrow :( He's stressed out about going back and about leaving me to care for the baby by myself all day, and of course her alarm has to go off two separate times when he's trying to settle down and get some rest before tomorrow. Ugh. That definitely didn't help his stress level. And I go back to work on Tuesday... yippee. Don't get me wrong- I love my job. But it's just not a good time to worry about work because Emma is still sick and she's only been home for two and a half weeks. At least I have one day of hubby working and me being at home without having to work. So I have one whole day to get used to taking care of her by myself before I also have to work. Woohoo! And it seems like tonight will be very restless since Emma is a little extra fussy. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Jeez. I had planned on taking nine weeks off from work after she was born so I could focus on taking care of her until she was big enough to leave with a sitter. I need to stop planning for things- it never works out how I plan. At least not when it comes to stuff like this! So does anyone want to donate to the "help Kelly not have to work" fund? lol. Why can't I just be independently wealthy?!

I stated to question why I'm even blogging all of this nonsense... but I went back and read some of the old NICU posts and I remembered why. These are some once-in-a-lifetime moments and experiences that are passing by so quickly. It's really interesting to read back through everything and see how far we've come and remember how much better things are now than they had been. And I'm sure plenty of my readers who are experienced parents are having plenty of "ah, I remember those days!" moments as they're reading about my tales of poopy diapers and bathtime fun :)

Victory for Team Guppy!

As the days are passing, it's clear that Emma is doing her best to kick her label of "preemie" to the curb. I knew she'd be a feisty fighter, but I didn't think she'd be this tough! Now if only we can put these bradys behind us (getting sick of me saying that yet?), then we'll be just fine!

Today was a pretty good day. My little farting, burping, squirming, pooping machine (God, she's so gross sometimes) has done pretty well- she had a brady at noon during her feeding but otherwise has done well. She came close to having a brady a couple of times, but she's starting to breathe again quicker than she used to. However, her reflux is causing her some congestion issues and resulted in our very first booger experiences today. I was holding her this afternoon and tried suctioning out her nose because she was really laboring to breathe and sounded stuffy. I got a little something out of one nostril, but some of it was sticking out of her nose so I decided to just pull it out with my finger. Let's just say there was more to it than I anticipated. Later, she was super congested so I made some saline solution and put some drops in her nose, then suctioned again. And a booger the size of a semi truck came out. Needless to say, she could breathe just fine after that :)

Another first came last night... daddy's first poopy diaper. I think the two of them entered into a contract at some point where they agreed that Emma would only poop when it was my turn to change her or when I was holding her and couldn't in good faith make hubby change her diaper. Someone breached the contract, because she pooped when it was his turn to change her last night. His reaction was hilarious and priceless. Atta girl, Emma. Although she ended up pooping again when it was my turn, and a malfunction of her diaper almost caused a blow out on one side... it was a close call.

She's been sleeping a little longer lately, although she is obviously very uncomfortable from her reflux still. She's gotten a few doses of her Zantac so hopefully it'll begin working soon and she won't be in so much pain.

The biggest part of today- she nursed really well for a little more than five minutes straight! So I know that's not some kind of major record and she's still a long way from nursing exclusively, but this was major progress for her. This morning, she didn't want to nurse at all and refused to latch. Emma 1, mommy 0. Tonight, she latched, but not very well. To prevent myself from enduring the pain any longer, I put on the shield I bought... it's basically a silicone cover that kind of makes nursing more similar to drinking from a bottle. It's really more for babies with latching issues and women whose nipples have been ravaged by the poorly latching baby. Or for women with inverted nipples. But for preemies, it can help them nurse if they've gotten too used to the bottle. So once I popped that thing on, we were set to go! She nursed just like she was drinking from her bottle and even started to space out a little. Emma 1, Mommy 1! VICTORY!!! However, she still took about three ounces of milk from the bottle afterward so I have no idea how much she actually got while nursing. To give you a reference, she usually takes about two ounces of milk at a time... so she not only nursed, but she took extra from her bottle. No wonder she's growing so fast- she may just hit 3 feet tall in a few weeks ;)

She definitely has a sleeping/waking pattern now. She'll sleep for about three hours before waking to eat, then she'll usually go back to sleep. After her late evening feed, she'll be wide awake for a while and we utilize this time for some developmental activity. We lay her under her playmat so she can look at the toys, colors, and patterns and fine tune her vision. She loves looking around at everything and will turn her head back and forth while looking around. There's a butterfly toy that hangs low enough that she can hit it with her hand. When she hits it, it's entirely accidental but it always gets her attention and she immediately turns her head to look and see what's going on. It may not sound like much, but for a baby that is -3 weeks old, this is huge!

Even bigger than that was last night's tummy time- I am so amazed by this kid! We put her on her tummy on the play mat, and she sure showed us that she doesn't want to be called a preemie anymore. She lifted up her head and chest and turned her head back and forth repeatedly, and even held her head up for a few moments. She also army crawled a bit because the playmat material is shiny and a little slippery and she just can't keep those ninja legs still. Her daddy and I were so unbelievably proud of her!

After playtime tonight (we didn't do tummy time), it was time for a bath. Her daddy went out and bought a bath tub for her today so we used it tonight. Now she smells wonderful. She actually enjoys bathtime and doesn't scream like some babies do- she's so adorable just sitting there naked in her little bathtub. She sits there calmly, looking around and trying to eat her hands because she's usually hungry by that point. Daddy always has her towel ready and waiting in his arms. He gets the good part and gets to snuggle with her and dry her off after her bath, but I don't mind. He can snuggle her as much as he wants! After she was snuggly and dry, daddy put her in some monkey feet pj's, gave her a bottle, and put her in bed. Ah, the cute and fun parts of parenting!

She's sound asleep right now, but occasionally makes some little noises. She sounds like a high-pitched version of the forest monster from Lost. Or should I say John Locke... what a strange ending to that show.

Bath time yielded some adorable pictures:

 Does it get any cuter than this?!

 Yo, don't mess with me homie! I have a zebra buddy that will mess you up!

 Whatsthat?!

 No way! Tell me more, Daddy!

 Can I eat this?

I promise this isn't her bradying. This is her "I stayed up too late" face.

Giving it a Go

Remember how I referred to Emma as my little Guppy in one of my old posts? I think it was in reference to the fact that I felt like she was a little fish swimming around in my belly... she also made this little face during an ultrasound in which she was gulping the amniotic fluid and looked like a little fish. Well, the name has stuck, and my nickname for her is officially "guppy." When we pull her bottle out of her mouth to burp her, she'll have some milk/formula remaining in her mouth which triggers her to continue to make a sucking motion with her mouth, which is very reminiscent of a fish face. It is just so darned cute... and I think "guppy" is a cute word as it is, so Emma= guppy. The cutest and most amazing guppy in the world!

The guppy's progress: Well... we're still trucking along. She's still having bradys every day and I just wish this would be over with already! I know I've said it many times before, but it's so awful to feel her go limp, watch her eyes roll back in her head, and watch her turn blue. I want us to move past this and never look back. And a lot of times, she seems to be very sleepy afterward and I have to wonder how much of a toll it takes on her body- she must feel pretty crappy afterwards. She's such a trooper though!
We went to the doctor today, and she's up to 6lb 14oz! But I think we need to subtract a few ounces- she was weighed with her clothes, cardiorespiratory monitor belt, and diaper on. And I think her diaper was wet, so she's probably in the range of about 6lb 10oz to 6lb 12oz. The nurse couldn't believe it, though- she's growing so quickly! The doctor even kind of pressed us about how often we're feeding her and whether or not we're waking her up to feed her every three hours at night. We're seriously not shoving food down her throat- she's just a very hungry guppy!
We discussed her ongoing bradys and the events that lead up to them, and the doctor felt certain that it's a result of some pretty serious reflux and some minor aspiration. Not the kind of aspiration in which you strive to do something great, but the kind in which something foreign, like food, enters the lungs. Yea, the bad kind of aspiration. I asked about the swallow study, but she said there wasn't much of a point in doing it now because her symptoms are very indicative of reflux and it's best to just start her on meds and see if it helps. We now have meds in hand and are hoping it gives her some relief- she just grunts, strains, and arches her back after feeds and sounds congested from the junk coming back up into her throat. Poor baby! I mean, poor guppy! lol

I'm also very proud of her progress- she's definitely starting to focus on things in her visual field. I was wearing a black tank top with white writing on it and some white pants last night. Her daddy was holding her on the couch and she was wide awake, and when I walked by, she focused on me and followed me as I moved. Woohoo! It's difficult to do tummy time with her because of her reflux and spitting up, but I found out that it's almost as good to hold her upright with her head on my shoulder/chest. The purpose of tummy time is to help her build the muscles in her neck so she can start to hold up her head on her own, and she's supposed to start pushing herself up with her arms and holding her head up on her own for a few seconds. And she's doing it! I know it's easier when she's upright versus when she's actually on her tummy, but she'll use her arms to push off of my chest and will hold up her head and turn it from side to side. Such a big girl!

Mommy stuff: We also had our lactation consultation today. There's definitely hope for her to breastfeed- the big issue at this point is going to be my stamina and willpower because it is going to take a lot of work and consistency. I'm already exhausted and overwhelmed. I have to draw from my inner strength, but my reserves seem to be dwindling as I've been withdrawing funds from the inner strength account since the beginning of my hospital stay two months ago. Yep- this whole thing has been going on for two whole months already! Yikes. So the new task at hand is to try to breast feed with every feed and pump afterward and hope that I don't die in the process. And to top it off, I have to go back to work next week. I've been on the verge of giving up on pumping for about a week now. But now it's time to kick it into overdrive and give it my all in the hopes that she'll start breastfeeding and we can ditch this silly pumping stuff. That would be wonderful. It's an overwhelming task, but I'm going to give it an honest try. Wish me luck!

Like I said, I'm already exhausted and overwhelmed- I had another mini mommy meltdown this morning. I was up until about 2:30 last night from feeding the baby, holding the baby, pumping, and cleaning pump parts. I slept until 4am (she slept so soundly too! To the point where I got up to make sure her monitor was still working and she was actually still breathing), when it was time to get up and pump while hubby fed the baby. But my guppy didn't want to go back to sleep and was wide awake and fussy... so I had to get up and try to soothe her because not only can I not just leave her lying there when she's fussing like that, but I also can't sleep unless she's sleeping too. So I was up with her until about 5am, when she was calm enough to sleep. But she was still grunting and fussing, so I couldn't sleep- I tried giving her the gripe water we have, but she was way too sleepy at that point to suck it out of the pacifier. We have this awesome pacifier that's specifically for giving liquid meds- you fill up a little reservoir with the medication, snap it shut, and she sucks the liquid out of the pacifier. It's great, as long as the baby actually sucks on it. So it was a no-go, and I walked away from the pack n play feeling defeated and assuming that she'd just continue to fuss until it was time to feed her again. But just like that, she stopped fussing after my attempt at giving her the gripe water. I'll take it!
I fell asleep around 6am and then it was time to get up again at 7am to feed her. This is when the meltdown started- I was just so tired. I rested my head on hubby's shoulders and whined about the fact that I was so sleepy. He asked if she was even ready to eat since she was so quiet, and I told him that I looked on the monitor and she was acting hungry. I stumbled into the kitchen and prepared her bottle and sobbed like an idiot. And of course, she was sound asleep and no longer looking hungry. She was too sleepy to eat but half of her bottle, so I surrendered, put her back in bed, and stumbled back to bed myself. I slept for another two hours or so before I had to get up to go to my office... this is when things started to get interesting.
I convinced myself last night that I was getting fired- why else would my program director need me to come into the office while I'm on leave? What could he have possibly needed to talk to me about that couldn't have been done over the phone? I nervously drove to the office and then proceeded to convince myself that the receptionist flashed me a look of pity when I walked in. I knew it- I was getting fired. I should have brought a box to put all of my stuff in. But then something amazing happened... everyone assembled in the conference room, at which point my supervisor walked in with a bag and explained that someone in the office had won the "above and beyond" award from the lead agency, which just so happened to be me! I was flattered, but more than anything, I was relieved to still be employed. And then the best part- there was a check that came along with the award. A sizeable check. One that really helps with the financial burden of not working for two months... it was a serious blessing. These are the moments that make me realize that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and that everything was meant to happen- to be chosen out of everyone in the lead agency for this award right at this time when we needed it the most is more than just an awesome coincidence if you ask me.

So speaking of blessings... so many amazing things have come out of this experience. I happened to meet someone who I truly believe is an angel on earth and is one of the kindest, most caring and selfless people I've ever come across. It takes a very special person to be so supportive and encouraging to someone they've never met and to recruit their friends and family to pray for that person. And she just so happened to take some absolutely amazing pictures of my Emma yesterday... I hope she doesn't mind me posting a few :)

Amazing, right? It was an awesome day :)

Meet the Family

People often describe certain life experiences as being like a roller coaster ride, mostly referencing the emotional ups and downs. I think the whole bed rest/delivery/NICU experience goes beyond just the ups and downs of a roller coaster- it was fast, with lots of twists and turns and when the train pulled back into the station, I was dizzy and my head was spinning. I even felt a bit nauseous.

There are a ton of other things I should be doing right now... like thank you cards. And cleaning the bathroom. And laundry. But I have pictures to blog, and that can't wait! ;)

So first, an update- I hesitate to say that Emma's bradys are getting better because I don't want to jump the gun or jinx it (God knows I'm great at jinxing myself. Remember this post when I was just sooooo confident that I'd be doing a "virtual happy dance" when I made it to 34 weeks? And how my water broke that night and I delivered her the next morning?! Yea. I jinx myself pretty well), but she only had two bradys yesterday and two today. Or maybe one today? I've been slacking on writing them down and I really need to get into the habit of doing it again. We have an appointment with the pediatrician on Wednesday and I'm going to ask for a referral to see a speech therapist (yes, a speech therapist for a newborn. Not a typo) so we can get a swallow study done on our little sweet pea. I really want to know if she's aspirating and if they can help us get to the bottom of her choking episodes. She's choking more often, but it seems that she isn't having bradys with them as much and sometimes it appears that she'll get very close to setting off the alarm but brings her heart rate up just in time.

About the choking... she scared the bahjeebers out of us tonight. We had a lovely visit at her Gram and Pop's house (my wonderful in-laws) this afternoon and hubby sat down to feed her on the couch. I was really hoping that she wouldn't have a brady- I didn't want to frighten everyone. She did great, until she burped and choked at the same time and made the most God-awful noise I've ever heard. You could tell it was a burp at first, but then she started choking so loudly that I think my heart stopped for a few moments. She was practically convulsing she was choking so hard. Luckily she didn't brady, but it was absolutely terrifying... hubby played it cool but I know he almost had a heart attack when it happened. That kid is his life... and it bothers both of us so much when something happens to her. This event seemed to be harmless enough, but it was scary.

In the last few days, Emma has gotten to be snuggled by four out of her five grandparents and one of her uncles! So she has some very happy relatives right now :) And of course she loved the attention and made some cute little faces and such and dazzled her audience. She's something else! Oh, and I need to start calling her by her real name a little more often so she doesn't start thinking that "sweet pea" is her name. I don't want to confuse the poor kid! And as far as development, she's really such an amazing little baby- she seems to already be focusing on things and tracking moving objects in her visual field. This is a milestone for full-term babies at four weeks, so she's about eight weeks ahead of the curve on this one ;) And of course I thought it was just a coincidence when she followed a little zebra toy back and forth, but she's done it repeatedly and does follow it back and forth when I move it around. She'll lose focus after a little bit, but I'm so proud of her!

She's currently in her pack n play about ten feet from me making a bunch of noise and farting. It'll never stop making me giggle when she farts. I'm really mature, I know. And I guess I need to curb my laughter before she's a toddler and starts farting at inappropriate times because she thinks it's funny...

Picture time!

 Emma and Grandpa

 Just like her three cousins, she's already a Grandpa's girl!

 Emma and Grandma H

 Emma and Pop

First grandchild! 

Emma and her Uncle Jonny

Mommy Meltdowns

"Finding Nemo" was playing on the TV at the doctor's office today... "just keep swimming" was an appropriate mantra for last night.

I had the first of what will likely be many "mommy meltdowns" last night. As the evening wore on, she got progressively gassy and started to appear to be significantly bothered by it. This gave way to full-on despair. When I wrote my blog post last night, I predicted that it would be a long, tough night and I was correct. She went about five hours with very little sleep, despite me trying everything I could think of to soothe her. I bicycled her legs, held her upright, put her in her bouncy seat... the bouncy seat plus pacifier worked for a little bit, but she was still in obvious pain. She was sucking vigorously and breathing fast and would tense up and grunt. But at least she wasn't crying for a bit. But then she became upset again and I had to find something else. So I put her in her pack n play and dragged her swing down the hallway from her bedroom into the living room. Keep in mind that she's a plug-in baby, so it's a hassle to move her from room to room. The living room has become the baby room for now. Anyways, I struggled to set up the swing and figure out how to plug it into the wall, all the while she was fussing and crying from pain. I got her into the swing, only to find that I couldn't get the shoulder harness straps right. So I did the unthinkable- I only strapped the abdominal part of the harness and let her swing in it. Since she had never been in her swing before and she was only half-strapped in, I took up bunk on the couch. I know, I know... I'm an overly cautious first-time-mom. Obviously she wasn't going to just jump out of the swing if the shoulder straps weren't snapped. I get that. But there's this paranoia that sets in and I can't ignore it- especially not after everything we've been through. I'll work it out though ;)

So there I laid on the couch, hoping and praying (repeatedly) that my baby would calm down and wouldn't be in so much pain. The swing lulled her to sleep, but she still grunted and fussed every couple of minutes. But again, at least she wasn't crying or screaming. And just as I started to doze off... time to feed the baby!!!! My state of being at the time reminded me of a "Mythbusters" episode in which they tested the theory that driving while sleep deprived is just as dangerous as driving drunk. I think it turned out that driving while sleep deprived was even more dangerous than driving while slightly intoxicated... I completely understand that now. I stumbled into the kitchen to get her bottle ready. Thank God it was a formula feed, so there was less time involved in warming it up. We're using the stone-age method of warming bottles by using a cup filled with hot water, so we have to keep going back, shaking the bottle to distribute the warmth, check temperature, repeat until warm. And with breast milk straight from the refrigerator, this process takes much longer than it does with the room-temperature formula. So I made up her bottle, and managed to feed her. Poor thing was farting the whole time, but luckily didn't Brady. After this feed, she calmed down a bit and I put her to bed. She was calm enough that I was able to go lie back down in my own bed for a little bit and got some rest- I'd hesitate to call it sleep.

By the time her next feed rolled around, I woke up hubby since it was his turn to feed her, and I decided to stay in bed and skip pumping. OMG! Bad mommy. No, seriously... bad mommy! My supply has been dwindling since I'm not eating/sleeping/drinking enough and skipping a pumping session was not a good idea. But I was just too tired to get up. In fact, I had a mommy meltdown in the kitchen last night because I was on the brink of giving up with the whole pumping thing. I used to get four ounces in fifteen minutes (which was actually an oversupply) and now I'm lucky to get an ounce and a half, yet she eats two ounces or more per feeding right now. So I went from over supply to under supply. Awesome. So after pumping and barely getting an ounce, I was ready to throw my pumping parts into the trash and put up the white flag because this whole thing is getting ridiculous. But I pumped again about six hours after my super early morning pumping session, and unfortunately had to go another six hours between pumping sessions later in the day due to her doctor's appointment. As if my milk supply wasn't royally screwed up already, alas! It's now screwed up even more! I think... we'll see. I read something about "power pumping" sessions so I'm trying that now in the hopes that I can increase my supply without taking medications or herbal stuff. I read that the herbal stuff can cause gas in babies, and after last night, I'm not getting within ten feet of anything that may make her gassier. For. Real.

So I had a meltdown last night and sobbed while I fed her. Then I sobbed again in the kitchen after pumping and realizing how little milk I had produced. It was a rough night!

I called the doctor this morning to see if there was anything they suggested to help with her gas since we've tried gas drops and found out that they do absolutely nothing for intestinal gas, which is what she has. When the nurse called back later, she said we needed to come in since Emma's belly was distended, just to be safe. We were supposed to go in tomorrow morning at 8:30am for a weight check anyways, so we just went in one day early. The doctor was great and said that Emma is obviously very gassy but didn't seem to have any actual medical issues of concern, so we were relieved at that. The concern with preemies is an intestinal infection that kills the intestinal tissue and can be fatal if left untreated, and sometimes even if treated. So we have to be safe with her. The doctor said it's pretty typical and doesn't think it has anything to do with anything other than her being a tiny baby- it's not what I'm eating, what I'm not eating, or what we are/aren't doing. She's just gassy. It happens. She recommended Colic Calm since it's FDA regulated, all-natural, and works well. Also- Emma is 6lb 1oz already! Holy big baby! Last Thursday she was 5lb 5oz, so in six days she gained 12 ounces. Atta girl :)

We bought the Colic Calm, and it seems to be working well. She was gassy all day today but now she's resting peacefully. So peacefully that she was too tired to finish her bottle after going four hours between feeds. And then two and a half hours later, she was too tired to take much of her bottle. She took about a third of it before tuckering out and calling it quits. But she needs to rest- she has had a rough 24 hours and didn't get much sleep. She's growing so well that I don't mind her having a few lazy feeds here and there. She'll let us know if she's hungry, that's for sure. I'm just thankful that she's finally resting and I'm clinging to the hope that she'll rest well throughout the night and I can finally get some sleep!

Our poor puppy is starting to have some issues with this whole thing, and I can't blame her. She was the center of our universe for so long, and then suddenly she gets left with my in-laws for four weeks while I was in the hospital. We joke that my in-laws' house is "summer camp" for the puppy because she loves going over there. They own her brother and one other dog of the same breed and my puppy is definitely queen bee when she's there. She takes over right away and claims the head of the bed at night, ensuring that her brother is exiled to the foot of the bed. Poor thing. Anyways- suddenly she's brought home and our schedule is so different, as I was spending time at the NICU and hubby was working and also spending time at the NICU. And then we brought home this thing that makes weird noises and smells funny. And we pay so much attention to this noisy, smelly thing that sits in our laps on the couch multiple times per day and takes up a whole lot of our time and I think puppy just doesn't understand. We've been making it a point to pay extra attention to puppy, but she's starting to get a little jealous. Puppy is also apparently very terrified of the brady alarm, which we learned tonight. I figured I'd snuggle with puppy while hubby fed Emma, but when Emma brady'd, puppy freaked out. She climbed into my lap and shook for quite some time and just looked terrified for a while... we wonder if the noise is scary for her. It sounds just like the smoke detector, which gets set off every time hubby makes steak using the cast iron pan on the stove and we noticed that she always runs and either hides or wants to go outside when that happens. We always thought it was the smoke bothering her, but maybe it's just the noise. Poor puppy!!

My to-do list: eat. Sleep. Drink more water. Laundry. Increase milk supply. Oh, and I'm screwed with my time-off and short term disability at work. My short term disability plan gives six weeks of pay for maternity leave. Yet there's a two week elimination period, which I was aware of. Basically, you can't start getting benefits until two weeks after you're considered disabled... I'm not sure of the logic behind that. But anyways, I assumed that this meant that I wouldn't be eligible for my maternity pay until two weeks after her birth. Nope- they take those two weeks out of the six total weeks for maternity pay, leaving you with only four weeks of maternity pay. So why wouldn't they just tell you that you get four weeks of maternity leave pay?! Makes no sense. Oy.

I learned a lesson today. Well, actually I made a silly mistake at the wrong time that ended in a mini-disaster. Hubby called while I was holding Emma after her formula feed after we got home from her appointment. He had run out to the grocery store and needed to know if we needed potatoes, so I propped Emma up in the corner of the couch so I could (quickly) run into the kitchen to see if we had potatoes. When I went to pick Emma back up, her head tilted back for a second as I lifted her, and it was just long enough for her to spit up -a lot- and due to the tilt of her head, it ran into her nose and up her cheek and spilled all over the couch. It was like a Neosure volcano, and the poor thing looked so pathetic with that film of formula all over her sweet little face. After I cleaned her up and suctioned out her face and nose, I wiped down the couch and chuckled for a second at what I had just done. Lesson learned. Omg.

My Farty Baby

Note to self: if the baby is sleeping soundly, resist the urge to tinker with her swaddle blanket or reposition her head.

Emma update: We had our first visitor today! It was actually the respiratory therapist from home health; she came to download the data from Emma's cardiorespiratory monitor to make sure that it's working properly and to get an idea as to how she's been doing. It was interesting to compare the information from the log I filled out to the actual data from the monitor, and we also got to see the real extent of her episodes. All we had to reference before was a blinking light and the knowledge that her heart rate had dropped below 80 when the alarm went off... beyond that, we knew nothing until today. We got to see that she would, in fact, stop breathing prior to her bradys- either from choking or from (what I believe to be) losing her coordination while eating. I was curious as to how long her bradys would last because they felt like an eternity to me, and as it turns out, they last anywhere from about 10-20 seconds. It doesn't sound like much, but her heart rate during those times would drop into the 40's and 50's. Those really scary bradys I had mentioned recently were just as scary as I thought they were- her heart rate would sink down to about 41bpm for 20 seconds or so. It would come back up to just above 80, so the alarm would stop sounding, but would drop back down for another 15 seconds or so and sometimes it would happen for a third time. It looked just as scary as it seemed, and it was very unnerving to see that her heart rate dropped into the 40's... I just hope she grows out of this soon! While it has improved some, she's still getting them a few times per day during her feeds. This evening, she had a double whammy- first she lost her coordination and stopped breathing, and then later she choked and both times she had a brady. This kid is going to give me a heart attack.

So this last feed took up two hours of my time... she ate well and had no bradys, but was so uncomfortably gassy afterwards and she just couldn't calm down to sleep. So I held her, put her in her bouncy seat, rocked her, patted her... did everything I could to try to get her to pass some gas and calm down, to no avail. I finally got her calm, but then she started acting hungry! She just took a full bottle two hours ago and now she wants more... I'm glad someone has an appetite! I haven't felt like eating anything for the past few days. I'll get hungry, but there's nothing on earth that sounds good to me. So anyways, hubby helped out and gave her another 40mL's of milk just now and she took the whole thing and zonked out. Finally. But oh wait! Now she's upset from the gas again... I have a feeling that this will continue all night. Poor baby! Daddy just took her out of her bed and now she's lying on his chest while he lies on the floor. She's calm now but still fusses here and there, and is farting a bunch.

This tiny little child has some pretty big farts. Big enough to make us laugh- I can't figure out how that much air gets inside that itty bitty belly We can hear her clear across the room, and sometimes clear across the house. And these are no little mouse farts... these are full grown adult farts. But the problem is that she gets some pretty wicked gas pains and writhes for quite some time. I hate seeing her like that- it makes me so sad because I try everything and it doesn't seem to help. She has gas drops and they help sometimes, but other times there's nothing we can do. Unfortunately, her little body is just immature and we have to wait until she gets a little bigger before things will actually start to help her relieve her gas. Until then, we just have to try to soothe her and make her as comfortable as possible.

And since we're talking about farts, I guess we should talk about poops too. lol. As the laws of the universe would dictate, she only has a poopy diaper when it's my turn to change her or when I'm holding her and realize she's poopy. So far, daddy has only had a smear to deal with one time, and I've been the lucky one who gets all of the poops. I mean, she only poops once per day, sometimes twice, but come on... just once can she please make him change a poopy diaper?! lol.

I think we're finally ready for real visitors now that we've gotten things settled and are used to having her here. Oh, and we tried the bouncy seat with her for the first time this morning! She loved it :) And she sucked her thumb all by herself for the first time too! She did it while I was holding her and her head was resting on my shoulder, but we couldn't get a picture in time. Such a big girl!

8/6 

 getting burped by daddy on 8/6

 Having a little tummy time on 8/6.

 In her bouncy seat for the first time on 8/7! Thanks Joei and Bob!!!

 She always looks like an unamused old man when we burp her...

 "Don't mess with me... I haven't had my coffee yet."

 Hah! This is the same pose she made in the NICU one time.

 Suddenly my phone is taking grainy pictures. ugh.

What You Don't Expect When You're Expecting

Since the release of the movie, I'm sure most people are familiar with the whole "What to Expect When You're Expecting" thing. I never read the book myself as I opted for something more factual and scientific and purchased the Mayo Clinic book on pregnancy. As Emma's homecoming approached, I began freaking out about caring for a preemie at home, so I bought a book on preemies. On the back of that book, it mentions something about how the book discusses the things you don't expect when you're expecting... well, here's my list of what I didn't expect (welcome back, bullets!):

• Firstly, I didn't expect that, at age 24, I'd have such difficulty just getting pregnant in the first place.
• Going to the doctor for a routine appointment and ultrasound and being sent directly to the hospital after having a completely normal and uneventful pregnancy prior to that point.
• That I'd live in a hospital for a little more than four weeks, and spend another three weeks living between the hospital and home.
• I surely didn't expect to feel like my body was going to try to betray my dreams of having a family from the very beginning. From not being able to conceive to not being able to sustain a full-term pregnancy, I felt like I was in a battle against my own body.
• That my water would break with no warning while I felt just fine otherwise and the tests were showing that my issues were resolving. 
• To have set a new family record for fastest delivery. Growing up, my mom told me many times about how I was practically born in the car because her labor was so fast. By the time she got to the hospital and got into a room to be prepped, I was making my entrance into the world. I was the fastest labor of her three children... but I beat her record! 
• That my darling little angel would come flying into this world so fast that I would have to have completely natural labor (I still can't believe I did that!).
• To watch my tiny little baby be whisked away immediately to be worked on by a crowd of people in the corner of the room where I couldn't see her.
• That I would feel so helpless and conflicted as my baby spent three weeks in the hospital being poked, prodded, and hooked up to a whole bunch of wires and machines.
• That I would be so scared to bring my baby home for fear that something bad would happen to such a tiny, fragile little being.
• That I would watch her turn blue in my arms multiple times per day and have to try desperately to bring her back to consciousness.

I still feel sometimes like I'm waiting to wake up in my bed, still pregnant- and that all of this was some kind of crazy, drawn out dream. But it's not- it's the reality of my life now. I've always felt that everything happens for a reason and that we're only handed the things in life that we're capable of handling, whether we think we can or not. Yet I wonder how strong God thinks I am- this has been a whirlwind and I have plenty of moments of being emotionally and physically exhausted. But I'm still alive, so I guess I'm capable of handling it... I haven't died from exhaustion or fear yet! But this has been very trying... I can't wait until she's old enough that I can tell her how much of a fighter she has been and everything that we've gone through as a family.

Her bradys have returned, but I'm starting to see some patterns. She really has two kinds- one that results from a loss of coordination of suck/swallow/breathe and one that results from her choking. I can now start to identify when she loses her coordination and try to stop her before she loses consciousness. It doesn't always work, but at least I can try. It appears that, in both situations, the doctor was right- it would appear that her reflex is triggered in which her airway closes up to prevent anything from getting into her lungs, which prevents her from breathing and slows her heart rate to a near halt. Regardless, it's still terrifying and it feels like an eternity before she comes back around. Meanwhile, I'm trying to stay calm as I'm patting and rubbing her back as she turns blue. I just hope this doesn't last much longer. It's such a stressful situation, and I don't feel comfortable leaving her in anyone's care until this is resolved. Not only because my mommy instinct makes me terrified that something bad would happen in my absence (could someone else revive her if she brady'd?) but because I would hate to freak someone out that badly and put them in that situation. It's such a helpless and scary time.

Otherwise, things have been going alright. I'm so tired, though. It's tough to feel refreshed when you can only sleep in increments of about 1 1/2- 2 hours. And by the way- please don't call or text prior to 1pm. The only time I can get any kind of sleep is in the late morning and I usually don't get up until around 12:30 or 1pm. It's like being in college again, except I'm spending my nights pumping (UGH!) and feeding/changing/snuggling my baby instead of hanging out with friends and getting into college-kid shenanigans. 

Speaking of pumping... have I mentioned that I hate it? My friends who have had kids before me have told me about how difficult it is to breastfeed in the beginning and how they all wanted to give up at some point. I always kept that in the back of my mind because I wanted to breastfeed, so I wanted to be sure to prepare myself for the point when I wanted to give up. But no one tells you (maybe I should have included this in the bullets above) about how desperately you want to give up when your baby doesn't want to breastfeed and you have to pump to provide her with breast milk. So instead of waking up, changing her, breastfeeding, and everyone returning to bed, it ends up being waking up, changing her, preparing her bottle, feeding her, pumping, washing the pump parts, packaging up the milk to freeze, and then finally going back to bed. And repeat. At least every other feed is taken by hubby, so I can at least get up, pump, wash, package the milk, and go back to bed. But I really want to give up every night. I remember hitting a wall like this while she was still in the NICU and I was getting up to pump every night, so hopefully this too shall pass and I won't have such a difficult time with it after I get used to this. I hope.

Sheesh, I feel like such a Debbie Downer suddenly! I didn't intend to be so negative, but I guess that's just my headspace tonight. I really am glad to have her home and I'm slowly becoming more confident with my mommy skills. I'm also trying to spend more time with her, but it's tough when she just needs to sleep and eat. I did try to give her some tummy time this evening, but she was tired and thought it was just sleeping on her tummy time. lol. I just love her sweet little face though! 

Here's her 4 week picture. It's not very good, but it's not easy to get a picture of a wiggly, hungry baby who likes to instantly roll on her side when you lie her on her back. But we'll get better at taking these pictures!