Wire Gremlins

There's this strange phenomenon that happens in the NICU- somehow, in a fashion that completely defies the laws of the natural world, all of the wires coming off of a NICU baby get tangled. Really, really badly. Now, I know my NICU baby is very squirmy but there's no way she's capable of tangling her wires like this- we're talking tangled to the point that we have to start unplugging things as the only way to get them untangled. The nurses refer to it as being the result of the "wire gremlins." Emma also has some lead (rhymes with "need," not lead as in lead paint) gremlins because the leads that are attached to her belly and chest for her heart rate and respiration somehow migrate all around her little body. I suspect that Emma is, in fact, the lead gremlin in room 3122. Maybe she gets a kick out of setting off false alarms for her heart rate and respiration (you can tell it's a false alarm immediately just by looking at the monitor screen) and then watching everyone fuss and fumble while trying to unwrap her, take off her onesie, locate the leads, and put them back where they belong... I think she'll grow up to be a bit of a prankster like that.
So I've fallen off the daily blog posting wagon recently but it's because of complete sleep deprivation and putting in more hours at the NICU. I've been staying overnight for the last few days but I'm not switching to the "day shift" and spending my days with her instead of at night. It's a brilliant idea, really, and I have no clue why I didn't realize this beforehand. I won't be spending exactly as much time here, but I don't think she cares if I'm here at night or during the day. This way, I can get some semblance of rest at night in my own comfy bed and be here for her during the daytime. Night visits were getting to be too much to handle for me- it's too difficult to get any sleep; more so than if she were at home with us. As I'm typing this, I'm at the NICU. There's a little eyeball that occasionally opens up and looks at me from the bed near me, and she just let out the cutest little squeak! She's just about ready for her hands-on and feeding time but she's soooo sleepy and comfy on her belly. I'm only here for a few hours today because I have to get her nursery finished...
Now for the only part people really care about, the Emma update! This time, in non-bulleted form for the sake of keeping things exciting and new!

Doctor's report: So one of the reasons why I need to update this daily is because I frequently forget about what happened the day prior. I do know that she started being weaned off of the Elecare formula yesterday- the day prior, she had been getting it every other feed. Yesterday, she was switched to breast milk for two out of three feeds and Elecare for the other one out of three. She started having "events" in which she would have a Brady while feeding, usually due to her choking for some reason. Apparently this is pretty common, even in full term babies, and it's not too concerning but needs to be watched. It got scary yesterday because her face actually started to turn grayish blue, and of course this happened while her daddy was feeding her which really scared him. It scared me too... but she was just fine and her oxygen saturation stayed at 100 the entire time. Her heart rate did drop into the 50's though. She didn't have any of those issues until the other day, and suddenly she's getting them during multiple feedings each day. When I spoke with the doctor today, he said it wouldn't prolong her stay here because if it's only happening during the feedings, then it's not as big of a deal because someone is right there watching her and can stimulate her right away. The issue is if the Brady's happen while she's sleeping or just lying there, because if no one is around to see her color change, then it could be very serious.
When the doctor called today, he said she had another great night and took her feeds from the bottle well. Way to go, Emma! He said that they would pull out her feeding tube today and that she is "nearing discharge" now... huhwhaaaaaa?! My heart skipped a beat when he said that... she has to consistently take her full feeds from a bottle for 24 hours before she can go home. I'm not sure if the countdown has started yet or not, but her feeding tube is still out so I'm guessing she hasn't had any issues. She did, however, puke all over the dayshift nurse earlier. It just so happens that it's our favorite day shift nurse again- she requested to be assigned to the baby across the hallway because he's typically paired with Emma. This way she could have Emma again but it wouldn't look like she was just requesting to have her back. Anyways, she said Emma puked up practically her entire feed- about an ounce and a half- all over her pants and the rocking chair. She thinks Emma had some curdled milk left over from her prior feeding and that this had something to do with her projectile vomiting.
I mentioned to the nurse that the doctor said she could come home after 24 hours of successful bottle feeds. She said most doctors want the baby to go for a few days without the feeding tube and that 24 hours is just a little too quick, but that this particular doctor is usually "very optimistic" and sends babies home pretty quickly. But regardless- she will most likely come home this week! Provided that all continues to go well, that is.

Emma's progress: She's up to five pounds now! Well, 4lb 15.7 oz, but it gets rounded up to 5lbs ;) Wahoo! She feels so much more like a "normal" baby now- I sit in the rocking chair and bottle feed her while she's perched on her boppy, just like millions of moms do in their homes. The only difference is that she still has wires attached to her and we're still in the hospital. Speaking of wires, her feeding tube is out! Her little cheek is still pretty red from the irritation of having the tape removed so they could get the tube out, but I really love looking at her pretty little face when there's nothing obstructing the view. She also has very kissable cheeks, so it's nice to be able to kiss both of them, which I did a few times during hands-on today. I also kissed her hand, her foot, her tummy, and her forehead. Multiple times. What can I say? I've waited a long time to be able to shower a sweet little baby with kisses without getting a dirty look from the baby's mom... because this baby's mom is me. And I'm not going to give myself any dirty looks for kissing my baby ;)
She passed her car seat test! We did it around 1am on 7-28 and she did just fine. She had no breathing or heart rate issues and snuggled right in and fell asleep after a little while. She wasn't too sure of what was going on at first, though. And she looked like a tiny little baby doll in her big car seat (pictures below). I was so very proud! After her car seat test, she had a quick sponge bath under the warmer and I learned some little tips and tricks on giving a sponge bath to a preemie. So mommy gave her baby a bath for the first time!

Mommy update? I think I royally screwed up- I believe I just missed out on the last time I can play princess for the rest of my life. I do remember that my discharge paperwork told me to rest for four weeks, and the doctor wanted me to start trying to work out after six weeks in order to regain my muscle tone after being on bed rest and resting after delivery. Woops... I forgot about that whole "rest for four weeks" thing. I may have rested for about four hours. I know I pushed myself entirely too hard the first few days and I really paid for it. But I feel absolutely fine now- better than I did while I was pregnant, even... However, I guess I should have taken the opportunity to play the "I just had a baby!" card in order to get out of doing laundry, vacuuming, etc. while I could. Oh well... And, I still hate pumping. Like, really hate it. As I'm writing this part, I'm back at home (I've been blogging in increments because I can't seem to find the time to actually blog all at one time right now) sitting on the couch, glaring at the stupid hospital pump sitting next to me. How stupid is it, you may wonder? So stupid, that it stopped working earlier. Just completely pooped out. At least it made a pleasant sounding little chirp as it displayed "error" on the screen, which made me want to chuck it out the window just a little less. After researching it online and trying a few things to fix it in addition to hubby appearing to try to break it even more- ok, fine, he was trying to fix it too- I had to take my happy behind to the drug store to buy a manual pump. So as if I didn't loathe pumping enough, now I have to do it manually. There must be some God of breastmilk up there laughing hysterically at me right now...
Hubby and I spent most of last night putting up the new shelves in Emma's closet, so I spent most of the morning/early afternoon trying to get the rest of Emma's stuff organized and put away. I still have more to do and hopefully I don't end up staying up way too late tonight to do so. Her nursery is almost done! I'll post pictures when it is, because right now there's still some aftermath from that Pepto Bismol tornado.

Emma-isms: After I fed her this afternoon, I was rocking her to sleep as I usually do. She looked around for a little bit with her big, wide, dark eyes and made some cute little facial expressions. I usually tell her about her life at home, her family, things that have happened, etc. I told her that we had a birthday party last night for her Grandpa, and she smiled just after I said it! It was absolutely adorable. Her Grandpa happens to have three other beautiful, precious granddaughters (I love my nieces to pieces!) who adore him and I can see that Emma will also be a grandpa's girl :) I'm fine with that, because I was a daddy's girl growing up.
She's also been doing this thing every once in a while but I'm struggling to define what this thing is. It's kind of like she's breathing in and out very deep and fast, almost like she's hyperventilating for a few seconds, but there's a lot of vocalization to it. It pretty much sounds like a half laugh/half breathing but it's actually incredibly cute! There's no warning about when she's going to do it, so I can't imagine I'll be capturing it on camera any time soon.

Speaking of cameras- if I can remember, I'll be taking my Nikon to the NICU tomorrow to get some good pictures of her and her room. Since we're quite possibly nearing the end of her stay, I want to make sure to get some good pictures to remind us of her journey.

And speaking of pictures... !!!!!!!!

 Her car seat test on 7-28. She looks just like a little baby doll in there!

 Peeeeeeekabooooooo!

 In her car seat with her wild child blanket.

 Her night shift nurse made a little name card for above her isolette on 7-29. I love that her nurses love her so much :)

 Emma the caterpillar!

 Just hanging out ;)

 Sleeping peacefully on 7-29.

 Wait! I'm not ready for pictures yet- have to put my makeup on.

 The nurse turned on the warmer prior to Emma's bath and she sprawled out like this. She was so content and comfy that she practically melted into the bed.

 Showing off her pretty outfit on 7-27.

 The night shift nurse also made this for us. On the back, it's a little certification of birth from the hospital with her birth info on it. So cute!

Quite possibly my favorite picture of her so far. No other caption needed. (taken 7-27)

Sleep Deprivation

There is no rest for the weary in the NICU... and staying overnight is definitely not conducive to keeping this blog updated! I stayed overnight last night and am doing it again tonight. Despite the fact that I can't get any sleep while I'm here, at least I'm here. I feel much better about everything while I'm here, even though it really stresses me out! I think that's why I wasn't staying overnight very much- it's just so stressful to be here. Especially since she can't do on-demand feedings and gets hungry about 30-60 minutes before her every-three-hour hands-on and feeding time. There's nothing more frustrating than to have a hungry baby and know that you can't just feed her and make her feel better. So I think that, in order to manage my stress levels, I was somewhat avoiding it which ended up compounding the awfulness because I then felt very guilty. I'm still trying to work through this and figure out how to navigate... once she's home, I'm sure parts of it will be resolved. However, I'm terrified for her to come home! More on that later...

• She's been bottle feeding every three hours since Monday and is really doing a great job. She just needs to be able to take her full feeds entirely from the bottle for a full 24 hours, and then she can pretty much come home. She's tolerating her feeds and is finally up to her full amount, so that's an excellent sign! Right now, she's getting her special formula every other feed but will hopefully be switched to all breast milk tomorrow after the doctor sees her. We're also going to try breast feeding again- probably around 5am.
• She has been off the caffeine for two days now and has had no brady's or apnea events. Woohoo! Just three more days without one and she meets that criteria for discharge. She's making some great headway! The doctor said he's very pleased with her progress and that she's doing very well.
• Her PICC line came out at 5am this morning (well, technically yesterday morning. But it was 5am on 7/26) and we both handled it well! I couldn't watch, but I did look at it after they took it out and it was so long that it was quite scary! She didn't cry, and while I really felt like I was going to, I didn't either and I guess it helped that she barely even fussed about it. 
•  I skipped her 2am hands-on so I could get some sleep. I started to feel bad about that, but it's kind of necessary and the nurse really encouraged me to do so since I got so little sleep last night. But now I'm incredibly groggy from finally getting more than an hour and a half of sleep at one time and I'm not sure how I'm going to feed the baby and hold her afterwards without falling asleep myself. This is one of those times when I wish I wasn't so darned sensitive to caffeine, because it would really help out right about now. 
• I'm getting incredibly stressed about my work situation. It sucks big time that I can't stay home with her for 9-12 weeks like "normal" people do with their babies when they come home. Instead, I'm hoping and praying that my short term disability will be approved for at least a few more weeks so I don't have to go back to work right away after she comes home. But we also can't afford to entirely lose my income... I wish this wasn't so difficult. 

So that's that for now... hopefully I'll get some more pictures up soon. She's wearing her outfit again, sans the scalp IV from the last time. So if I can get a good picture of her at some point today, I'll be sure to include it. Just please pray that I don't die of exhaustion any time soon! lol.

NICU Mom Guilt

I wish I could come up with an amusing opening for this post, but the witty part of my brain has shut down to conserve energy for the more vital functions of my brain like, say, ensuring that I'm breathing and that my heart is beating. That is to say, I'm exhausted.
I'll do my best to keep this post from being overly dramatic and emotional, but I really have had a rough night. The NICU mom guilt comes out of nowhere and with no warning and slaps me in the face when I least expect it. Tonight being one of those times. Mix that with the post partum emotions and we have a recipe for lots of tears and inner conflict. I'm trying to ride it out... I'll be a little candid here because, while this blog serves the wonderful purpose of keeping my friends and family updated on Emma's progress, it also has two other key purposes: helping me sort everything out, and giving me something to reflect back upon down the road when all of this is just a memory. So I don't want to leave out these bits of the journey because, well, they are a part of this crazy roller coaster of NICU life and I surely can't pretend that I'm just making my way through with an upbeat attitude at all times. I'm human. Sometimes I'm strong, other times I'm weak, and since I'm female, many times I cry. So I guess this post in conjunction with my most recent post just goes to show how my emotions can fluctuate so dramatically day to day. I'm still choosing happiness- I'm still so grateful for my baby and staying away from feeling like a victim. But this guilt thing is in a league of its own.
So about the "NICU mom guilt." I did a quick interweb search and realized that this is a real thing felt by many, if not most, NICU moms regardless of why their baby is in the NICU or how long their stay is/was. Although the guilt comes in many forms and because of many things, it still feels absolutely awful. My guilt is for her even being there. Alright, alright... I know... there was nothing more I could do and I had no control over my body and my malfunctioning uterus (ugh, I've really grown to resent that particular organ for a multitude reasons). But it doesn't make me feel any less awful for the fact that I couldn't keep her safe in the safest place she could be. I said many times during my pregnancy that I wished I could keep her in my belly forever because I knew she was safe and all of her needs were being met. And now she lies in a box with wires all over her. The biggest part of my guilt- and the part that stings the most- is for her being there alone right now. Or being there alone ever. It didn't hit me until now, which probably has to do with the fact that I stayed with her last night. I've always felt bad leaving, but now I feel beyond bad... I feel... I don't know. Sick over it, I guess. Like a really bad mommy for leaving my baby so I can come home. It doesn't feel right to sit down for dinner, do the laundry, take a nap... knowing that she's there without me. And knowing that I am fully able to be with her 24/7.
That's the struggle- I've been encouraged by all of the nurses and the social worker to be at home when I can and get some rest because it's not good or healthy to stay with her 24/7. I have to take care of myself- something that I've not always been good at. But after being with her last night, I just don't feel right about this anymore. It seems like every night I'm there, she needs me. Now that she's not in her isolette anymore, I can comfort her when she's upset and hold her when she needs it. She was slightly fussy last night about 30-60 minutes before her hands on/feeding time and it makes me sad to think that she's probably like that tonight and there's no one there to comfort her. I know the nurses comfort the babies at times, but usually only if they are crying. And she wasn't crying- but she was awake, squirming, and fussing.
I'm trying my best to strike some kind of balance and to commit to staying overnight every other night. If I was able to get some kind of sleep there, I would stay overnight every night. But I have to wake up a half hour before hands-on time so I can pump and clean the pump parts before it's time to change her diaper, take her temperature, let the nurse do her assessment, and then feed her. And now that she's being bottle fed, feeding her means actually feeding her like she's a real baby which takes a lot more time and effort than hooking up a syringe of formula or breast milk to a pump and having it systematically pump said liquid into her tummy through her NG tube. Not that I'm at all complaining about her being bottle fed, because I love the bonding time with her (another reason why I feel so guilty not being there!) and I'm so glad she's getting closer to coming home, but the process takes much longer than it used to. So by the time all is said and done, I have about an hour and a half before it's time to get up and do it all over again. Now, I know that all of the moms reading this are thinking "yep, that's exactly what it'll be like when she comes home too!" I get that. Message received. But at home, I don't have to struggle to fall asleep on a rock-solid "bed" that's small even for my petite frame to sleep on while alarms are going off and there's talking and commotion in the hallway. Oh, and my only privacy comes from a curtain, because there's a large picture window at the front of the room and the door is mostly glass. So the room is far from dark. Emma also has a tendency to breathe very slowly at times or shallow enough that the monitor registers her breaths as being very slow, so her alarm will go off. Which obviously jars me from any sleep I may get because her alarm sounds the same for slow breathing or for a brady. If she alarms for her breathing, it's not a big deal because her oxygen sat level never goes down and her heart rate stays up so the nurses never even come into the room about it. But it still wakes me up. So generally, I'm lucky to accumulate about 2 1/2 to 3 hours of sleep while I'm there. It's exhausting. So I'm finding it difficult to weigh out the benefits and drawbacks of staying every night- is it that much better for her that it's worth the super lack of sleep for me? Or is it that much better for both of us if I'm rested so that I'm ready to be supermom when she comes home? Hmph. This isn't easy.
Alright, enough of the Eeyore stuff. Update time!

• Emma is a little show-off with her bottle. Babies are typically supposed to be able to start coordinating the suck/swallow/breathe reflex around 34 weeks, and she was 34 weeks as of two days ago. Since her first bottle feed yesterday, she's had no issues coordinating all of that. In fact, she's been taking her full bottle of formula- up to 25mL's (which is 5mL's shy of 1oz)- in about five minutes since last night. This morning, she tuckered out early and only took about 10mL's and dribbled most of what she sucked out. But she had been awake for an hour prior and feverishly sucking on her pacifier during that time, so I figured she would be too tired to take the full bottle. But she tried! I'm very proud of her :) She hasn't had to practice her suck/swallow/breathe at all, she got it down-pat from the beginning!
• Even on the Elecare, which is the gentlest formula around, she's starting to have some issues. She has spit up a few times but seems to be making some progress with that whole situation. I know that spitting up is typical and she doesn't seem to be doing it to an excess. But she's having residuals, which isn't great. After three hours, she had only digested about 19mL's of her 25mL feed from 5pm. I know that's most of her feed, but she really should be digesting all of it in that amount of time. That makes me somewhat more comfortable with the fact that she may not be intolerant of my breast milk after all, but I'm worried that her tummy is still very immature and needs much more time in order to work properly, all of which will keep her in the NICU longer. I just want her healthy and at home. And the digestion issues are the only things holding her back now. 
• She's off the caffeine and seems to be doing just fine without it now. They had been giving it to her for her brady's, but the doctor thinks she's grown out of the brady's now so she had her last dose yesterday morning. No more morning cup of joe for her! 
• The night shift nurse from last night told me the best story ever. She said she came to check on Emma the night before, only to find that Emma had ripped her NG tube out of her nose and had a hold of it with both hands- one on either side of her mouth- and was gnawing on it. Yep- she was literally chewing on her feeding tube that she removed from her nose. The nurse said that she has been a NICU nurse for five years and has never seen anything like it. That's my girl! She'll have a good sense of humor just like mommy and daddy :)
• The nurse also gave me some glimmers of hope... she said that Emma could go home in a few days if she continued to do so well with her bottle feeds. I reminded her that the doctor wants her to try the breast milk again, and she said that would only add on a day or two to her stay if it went well. Obviously I don't think she'll be coming home in a few days because she seems to be starting to have issues digesting her formula and if it continues, they'll have to stop increasing her feeds until she tolerates what she's getting now. But she's about 15mL's away from full feeds and they are increasing her by 5mL's twice per day. So if they don't have to stop increasing her feeds, then she should be up to full feeds in about a day and a half, so they will probably start the breast milk in two days. But that's only if things go exceptionally well. But miracles do happen! She's living proof!
• The last of her cord came off last night- Emma officially has a belly button! And what a coincidence- mommy officially has her belly button back! Lol. 
• My dairy cow status has been elevated. One nurse told me that most of the moms on the floor would be jealous if they saw my stash of milk in the freezer. I was originally told not to bring what I pump at home but that they would keep what I pump while I'm there. Well now I can't leave them anything, and they would like for me to take some home because I have four bins full of milk. I don't know how big the bins are, but apparently I'm monopolizing the space in the freezer. The day shift nurse today told me that I have enough stored there to feed the whole floor for a week. Clearly a hyperbole, but all of these statements boost my milk ego just a little more each time ;) And I have two gallon-sized Ziploc bags in my own freezer that are full of stored milk... I believe the time is drawing near for us to invest in a chest freezer to put in the garage. Oh the irony of a chest freezer to store my breast milk in. Hardy har har...

By now you can probably predict that it's picture time!

 Big yawn! (it's difficult to get a non-blurry picture of a squirmy baby with my phone)

 Ugh, another blurry picture. But this is the face she makes when she's done with her bottle and doesn't want it back- I don't think the jaws of life could even open up this mouth. 

 Showing off her pretty onesie.

 Kissy face :)

Aaaaaaaannnnnnnddddd she's out.

Choosing Happiness

Wanna know something awesome? Right now, there is a sweet, tiny little baby sleeping about ten feet away from me. And this particular baby was created out of love, not lust. I've been thinking about this a lot lately... about how amazing it is to have this child in my life because my husband and I love each other so much and wanted to bring a baby into this world to share our love with and raise together. She is here not because of a drunken night or as the result of an impulse, but because our hearts were so full of love that they started to overflow and we needed another vessel for the rest of it. And that's our baby Emma! I feel such an intense love for her like I've never felt before because she's not only my child, but she's my husband's child too. And she looks a lot like him! Alright... sorry for all the mush. Silly hormones!!
Now for the important part, the Emma update... in typical bulleted form!!

• The doctor called early this morning but with a great report! Emma continued to tolerate her feeds and has done excellent- her belly is still small and soft and she seems to be happy and comfortable. Her head ultrasound was unremarkable- no brain bleeds! Woohoo! She was also ready to be transitioned into a crib again and would hopefully start to be transitioned to breast milk when she's up to full feeds of her special formula- which will happen by the end of the week if all continues to go well. He did mention something about seeing if she has issues with the lactose in the breast milk... I reeeeaaaaaallllllyyyyy hope she isn't intolerant of breastmilk! I know that formula feeding isn't the worst thing in the world, but I don't want her to have to be on formula, especially since I have about two gallons (probably an exaggeration, but maybe not!) of frozen breast milk just waiting to be eaten by her. So we'll see how that goes. She's also being weaned off of caffeine- today was her last day of being "jacked up on dew" as hubby and I say. Her heart rate has been good with very few brady's, so the doctor felt she has grown out of it and didn't need the caffeine any more. She's also continued to breathe just fine. I asked if he thought it was just a coincidence that she stopped tolerating feeds when she was moved into the crib, and cited what the other doctor had previously said about waiting for her to tolerate full feeds before taking her out of the isolette. The doctor told me that it was just a coincidence and that the other doctor just didn't want her to burn extra calories trying to keep herself warm at that point. Now that she's 34 weeks and over 2kg, she doesn't need the isolette anymore and she was only put back in there because of her tummy issues. 
• So at this point, she just needs to eat- we have to figure out if she can tolerate the breast milk or if she'll need to be on formula, and she also has to take all of her feeds from the bottle/breast. And that's it! Her weight is good, she stools/pees well, she's gaining weight steadily, her brady's have tapered off, no more caffeine, she's been breathing just fine without assistance for a while now, and she has no issues regulating her temperature on her own (she's back on room temp air. She's still in an isolette instead of a crib, but the heater isn't on and the top stays open. The nurse says it's better because they can turn on the heater during bath time and it has a built in scale. She'll stay in it until the second floor needs it, at which point she'll go back in her crib)... she's doing so well!! She was given her first two bottles this morning and took to them very well, so I was able to bottle feed her this afternoon. She easily sucked down 9mL's in a flash! And then she got sleepy and went into an EleCare coma with the bottle in her mouth... daddy fed her at 5pm and she got about 8mL's down before she apparently got bored. Actually, I think she was so preoccupied with staring into her daddy's eyes that she forgot what she was doing. She then zonked out and slept with her mouth open again. So stinkin' cute! 
• I'm trying not to get too excited about her coming home soon, but it feels like we're headed down the right path now. I had read and heard about 34 weeks being the "magic" week when things start to work better and babies are able to master things like the suck/swallow/breathe concept. And it seems to hold true for my Emma! She has made great strides and her parents are more than proud of her :)
• Have I ever mentioned that I love my daughter? Because I do. SO. Much. I just feel so blessed, which is interesting after everything that has happened... I guess it would be easy to feel cursed and play the victim after having struggled with infertility, being hospitalized for 4 weeks, and then having a 32wk preemie that's been in the NICU. But that 32wk 4 pound preemie is the biggest blessing in my life and has brought so much happiness for me and my family. And she has also brought hubby and I closer, which I didn't even think was possible since we were so close and so happy before we had her. We grow closer through adversity instead of adversity ripping us apart... it's nice to have someone like him by my side. So instead of crying "why me?!" I'm choosing happiness. I'm choosing to be grateful for my beautiful NICU baby, wires and all. Because she will come home one day and I can watch her grow in amazement, sans the isolette, alarms, and PICC line. 
• I told hubby that it's a shame that we're only having one baby because we apparently make cute babies! People still try to tell me that I'll probably cave and get pregnant again, and that I'll want another baby down the road. Obviously I'll want another but... I'm not doing this again. We were so lucky this time that she stayed in the oven until 32 weeks, because if she had been born at 28, things would have been so much worse. And I know that next time, they'll be extra cautious and put in a cerclage and have me on bed rest early... I can handle that. What I can't handle is the guilt I would feel if I had another preemie, especially if that baby were even earlier than Emma was. Or the guilt I would feel if something even worse happened and that baby didn't survive or really struggled. My body just doesn't handle pregnancy very well and it would be very selfish of me to try to have another baby. Okay, future Kelly? So if you're reading this and thinking at all about having another baby, DON'T DO IT! lol

Is it picture time? It is!!!

 Sound asleep when mommy and daddy arrived.

 Holding steady at 4lb 13oz!

 "Turn down the lights! I need my beauty rest."

 I'm going with Stephanie's caption on this one: "That's my food. Don't let anyone tell you differently!" LOL

 Feeding my baby for the first time from something other than a syringe. It was an amazing moment!

Her homecoming outfit!

Daddy feeding Emma! 

"Really, daddy? No way!"

"Uh oh... did I leave my pacifier in my crib? I think  I did..."

 Her night shift nurse swaddled her like never before. Her eyes glazed over and she stared into oblivion.

 She looks drugged. Swaddling is amazing.

:D Cheesin' for the camera. 

"Goodnight mommy! I'll see you in three hours!"

My Chunky Monkey!

In one of my recent posts, I wrote "pump or die." It has taken on a whole new meaning for me... because just when it's pumping time, I feel like I'm going to die. Or, to be more accurate, I feel like my boobs are going to die. I refer to it as "lightning boobs" because it feels like little bolts of lightning shooting through the ol' milk jugs (appropriate since there have been some crazy storms coming through the last two days, complete with zeus-esque lightning)... I'm wondering if it's hyperlactation, so I guess a call to the lactation consultant is in order!
Onward!

• The doctor called a little later today than usual, which I like. They save the healthiest babies for last on their rounds :) He said she has tolerated her feeds so far so they moved her up to 10mL's every three hours instead of 5mL's every six hours, and are going to increase her feeds like they did before. Maybe even faster since she's restarting and did well previously. Since she'll be 34 weeks tomorrow (they still count her age by gestation), she can start trying to bottle feed while she's still on her special formula and can try breast feeding again when she transitions back to breastmilk. She had one mild brady yesterday and that was it! He heard a heart murmur, which he suspects is from her PFO- the small hole in the upper chamber of her heart that they found on the echocardiogram a few days after her birth. It's to be expected- babies have that opening in the womb and it closes shortly after birth. It obviously takes longer to close in preemies. She'll have another echocardiogram completed in about 2-4 weeks to check on the progress of it closing... since there were no major structural abnormalities found on that initial echo, the doctor doesn't think the murmur is anything other than her PFO and isn't concerned about it. She'll have her head ultrasound tomorrow to check for brain bleeds but, again, he doesn't think there's any cause for concern. Her breathing has been great, so the only real remaining issue is her digestion and belly problems and the occasional brady. Although it seems as if she's steadily growing out of her brady issues.
• I figured I'd stay overnight with her tonight, especially if she could start her bottle feedings. Hubby decided to take a day off from visiting and I can't blame him- he's been making that awful drive since I was admitted to the hospital a month and a half ago. So I decided to wait to see her until tonight so I could stay with her and come back home tomorrow, nap, and then meet up with hubby when he got off work to go see her again. When I got to the hospital tonight, she was so soundly asleep. In fact, when I first walked up to her isolette, she smiled in her sleep. She did this a few times, and her little feet twitched and her eyes would flutter open for a second or two... she was having sweet baby dreams! So I resisted the urge to stick my hand in there to touch her because I really wanted her to sleep- she has had such a rough couple of days lately that I know she has to be exhausted. She hasn't slept well lately because of the gas. When I talked with the nurses (the day shift nurse was just about to leave and the night shift nurse was taking over), I was told that Emma could use another day to rest before trying to bottle feed her because they don't want her getting stressed out. I was disappointed because I was really looking forward to holding my sweet baby and feeding her for the first time, but I completely concur with the nurse's concern. She absolutely needs to rest more, especially after the last couple of days of unrest. After some careful consideration, I decided not to stay overnight. I helped with her 8pm hands-on time, but she practically slept through most of that too. She only "growled" at us once or twice. lol. The nurse then put her on her side and she was awake, but looked very sleepy. I realized that there was no point in staying overnight- she needed to rest. I know she benefits from being held by me and hubby, but not tonight- she wakes up from being picked up and it takes her a little bit to fall back asleep in my arms, and then she wakes up again when she's put back in bed and re-positioned. And by the time she gets comfy and goes back to sleep, she doesn't have much time until the next hands-on. I couldn't do that to her tonight- she was just too peaceful. So I made the final decision to leave after only being there for two hours... it really isn't an easy decision to leave. I feel guilty the whole way home and like a bad mommy. But I have to remind myself that she doesn't need me very much right now because she needs to rest and so do I. Because once we can start breastfeeding/bottle feeding, I'll need to be there a lot to help her get used to everything, which means I won't be sleeping much at all. So I need to rest now. I still feel guilty though, and it's been so much worse since the PICC line debacle.
• I made a sad realization today: if it weren't for all of the wires and machinery, Emma wouldn't be here today. It was a sobering thought... just to realize that my baby wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for modern medicine. 
• I also realized that this picture was taken the day before Emma was born:

   

Crazy, right?! I had no idea when this picture was taken that I would no longer be pregnant the next day. I actually remembered today that I ended up delivering her while still wearing a cami under my gown because we had no time to finish getting me undressed. I also had to take out my earrings, which are practically cemented in my ears because the posts of my diamond hoops are way too snug and are nearly impossible to take out. I couldn't do it myself, so hubby tried too until I had to swat his hand away and said "wait wait wait!!!" when I felt a contraction coming on. On my dresser today, I saw the little plastic urine sample cup that they put my earrings in for safe keeping and it brought back the memory of that part of my labor experience. That was a seriously insane day.

Pictures from today:

Here is mini-hubby, sleeping peacefully on her side. I call her mini-hubby because she looks so much like him- definitely not the milkman's baby ;)

Slight pucker face. See how nice and chunky her arm looks now? She's definitely getting bigger... how big, you may ask?!

4lb 12oz!!!! And that was from day shift- she gained another ounce during the day and is up to 4lb 13oz. Way to go, tiny baby! When looking at her, I felt like she was just so big now and then realized that she's still so small. She isn't even five pounds yet, but she looks so big to me because of how small she was in the beginning. I asked the night shift nurse how it was possible that she has continued to gain weight so well despite having a couple of days of not being fed, and she reminded me that Emma is getting fat, glucose, and protein via IV. However, most babies just maintain their weight with the IV, but my little champ continued to gain. Yay!! Such a big girl! I LOVE her.

Starting Over

So I had a baby 12 days ago... I still can't believe that! Well, when I'm sitting still or not pumping I can't believe it... there are other times when it's quite obvious ;)

• When the doctor called this morning, he said that Emma's tummy had improved so they were starting her on a special formula at 5mL's every four hours and if all went well, they'd slowly increase and transition her to breastmilk. He also said that she has continued to do well overall other than the tummy issues. Hooray for that! 32 weeks is apparently in the gray zone for a cerebral ultrasound to check for a brain bleed, which is one of the risks of prematurity. The doctor decided to order one to be completed when her scalp IV came out but solely as a precaution, adding that she wasn't presenting with any signs of a brain bleed. I asked if the PICC line was in and he said no, but he was aware that they had attempted last night. I then mentioned that they were unable to finish because she was too squirmy and stressed and asked if they would be sedating her, to which he replied that all they had to do was ask him for sedation. End doctor's report.
• I cried for most of the night last night and was very teary and stressed this morning. I think it was the PICC line and hormones... I still can't bear the thought of how she must have felt last night when they were holding her down and poking her with needles... and I'm still feeling really guilty for not being there for her afterwards. They sedated her and finally got her PICC line placed in the back of her lower leg above her heel/ankle and I guess the procedure went well. I don't know how many times they attempted between last night and today, but it's in. When we went to see her this afternoon, she was sound asleep but the nurse (my favorite one again!) said that the sedation had already worn off. In fact, she was reportedly pretty squirmy and alert right after the line was in. So that's that for that. I just pray that this PICC line stays in place and doesn't cause her any problems. If that's the case, then she hopefully won't have to be poked for an IV again and she'll only have her heel pricked for blood draws.
• We went to see her after we stopped at Babies R Us to buy most of the rest of the stuff we needed for her. Thanks so much to everyone who purchased gift cards for us- it helped so much and we're so grateful for your generosity! They had a fantastic sale this weekend AND we had a coupon for 20% off of everything we purchased that wasn't on sale. I think we saved around $100! Then we made a stop at Target on the way home and picked up some more stuff with our Target gift certificates. Holy shopping day! Hubby put together the pack n play tonight and I got some more of the nursery organized. Bit by bit, we're getting it all together and ready for our precious daughter to come home!
• Shortly after we arrived to see our baby girl, we were able to hold her. I went first, then hubby, then I held her again until it was time for hands-on. She was really grumpy today... when we held her, she growled (I don't know how else to describe the noise, but it was basically a super cute angry/annoyed sound) if we moved her or shifted our position. And she did the same thing during hands on- she was really making it known that she did not approve of what we were doing. She turned red from head to toe, frowned, and growled at us! All with her eyes closed. But I guess after the last two days of being poked, prodded, and held down in addition to not having been fed for a couple of days, she has the right to growl at all of us! After we were done messing with her, she calmed down and then her eyes opened and she looked all around the room while daddy gave her the pacifier. I say it every time, but I just love when her eyes are open! She's so cute... and the nurse agrees with that ;) 
• She seemed to tolerate her first feed pretty well. She had a few mL's of some mucousy slightly green stuff but the doctor instructed the nurse to dump it and feed her. The formula she's being given is actually already broken down so she doesn't really have to digest it. As she progresses with that, they'll slowly start mixing it with breastmilk until she's solely eating the breastmilk. Hubby and I talked with the nurse about everything that has happened recently, and the nurse said that this situation isn't unheard of and is most likely just due to the fact that she was 8 weeks premature so her body and systems are still immature. She just wears out sometimes and her little body isn't always capable of doing what it's supposed to. I mentioned my theory of her being put into her crib too quickly and she concurred, admitting that the communication between doctors and nurses and day/night shift nurses isn't always great. I appreciated that because I like it when people are honest, even when it means admitting something like that. Aside from the fact that she's very nice, friendly, and really loves and cares about Emma, I really like this particular nurse because she's not afraid to swallow her pride and ask for help or an opinion from someone else nor is she afraid to admit when she doesn't know something. I get really irritated with nurses who have to act like they know everything.
• Hubby really advocated for me to ask the nurse last night to put Emma on her tummy. It did the trick- the nurse suggested that her being on her tummy was a big factor in the resolution of her tummy issues. Well, it wasn't completely resolved, but the improvement was significant! At its biggest, her belly measured about 30.5cm after starting out at about 28cm. This morning, it was down to 27cm, but went back up to 28cm this afternoon. But it's still so much better! She also just looks so darned cute when she's all curled up on her belly with her little cheek resting on her hand. Gosh, I just love everything about her! 
• She's up to 4lbs 9oz! She already has the female issue- she hasn't eaten anything for a couple of days but still gained weight. Lol.

PICTURE TIME! (I forgot to take a picture of her board today. Boo.)

 This is pretty much how I slept with my maternity pillow while I was pregnant with her.

 "Good grief, mommy! No more pictures!"

Daddy helping Emma with her pacifier. She has to have her pillow like this so she doesn't kick out her PICC line. And check out her adorable "bed sheet"- it's my favorite receiving blanket :)

"Mommy, seriously. I need a nap! I've had a rough day."

(you can see how yellow she is in this picture and the other one like it. But her jaundice levels aren't high enough for her tanning bed light yet)

Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Backward

Today was a rough day... thank goodness there's a box of Georgetown Cupcakes in my freezer. Perfect for a day like today... thank you Kathlene ;)

Aaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd here we go:

• My parents came to pick me up today to take me to see Emma. It saved me from having to drive down there and they were also able to see her for a little bit... which was so nice of them because my house is the exact opposite of being on the way to the hospital from their house. Like a total idiot, I decided to get some additional sleep after my 8:30am pumping, so I slept from 9am-11am. Which caused me to have to rush around in complete idiot fashion to get ready... by the time my parents arrived, I had showered and pumped and that was about it. But they got to see the disaster of a room that we refer to as Emma's nursery (still haven't finished putting everything away- we really need a closet organizer stat!) and my mom helped wash my pumping supplies while I packed my bags. I figured I'd pack an overnight bag just in case Emma's x-ray was good and they allowed me to restart her "sham" feeds. 
• On the way to the hospital, the doctor called. Her belly hadn't improved and she still had tons of gas, so they were going to continue to hold off on her feeds until the issue resolved. He also mentioned that he felt it would be beneficial to start a PICC line so they don't have to keep redoing her IV lines every few days. For those who aren't familiar, a PICC line is basically like an IV, except the catheter is very long and goes into her heart through an artery. It can be left in place for up to a month, but carries more risks than a traditional IV line. After consulting with hubby, we decided it was the best thing to do, despite the fact that neither of us wanted her to go through something like that. The doctor assured me that the procedure wouldn't be any more painful for her than a regular IV, but I know better than that. Otherwise, her vitals have been good, including her temperature. She seems to be doing well other than her belly... I can't help but think that they were too ambitious in putting her into a crib. The day she was moved to the third floor, the nurse mentioned putting her into a crib. But the next day, the doctor said that she needed to be tolerating full feeds first- that she needed to focus on digesting and tolerating her feeds before she started using energy to stay warm. It seemed like the nurses took it upon themselves to put her in a crib, and I think she was just not able to use energy to digest and keep up her temperature at the same time.
• When we got to the hospital, she was sound asleep in her crib. We dropped off my bags and then grabbed a bite to eat, then went back up into the room in time for hands-on. I got to show off my skills of changing a diaper on a squirmy preemie... they had to put her IV in her head so they changed her into a shirt instead of her onesie. The nurse said we could put her in another onesie, but I showed her the button-front shirt I had and we put that on her. It was just too cute. I showed the nurse the matching pants, and a little while later she said we could put those on her as well. Here she is with her shirt on:

And with her complete outfit:  

• I held her for a bit and my parents got to watch her look around with her dark blue eyes and make some adorable faces. Yep- blue eyes. I initially thought they were brown, but they are actually a very dark blue. So we'll just have to patiently wait to see what color her eyes end up being. Anyways- since she's gassy, she smiled a whole ton and if she hadn't already completely won over her grandparents, she sure did today. But I know she already stole their hearts from the beginning... my dad told me how happy he was since Emma was born and we all ended up crying (except for the baby... go figure, the adults cried and the baby didn't. lol). It was a very touching and tender moment and one that I'll never forget. They had difficulty leaving- it's really tough to take your eyes off of her amazing face, especially when she's smiling, cooing, and puckering up those tiny little lips. 
• The PICC team came in a little later to look around for a good vein to start her line. Just that process got Emma really riled up and upset. She cried and fussed and was not a fan of being stroked with an alcohol pad while her arm was held down. The one nurse asked if the doctor had ordered sedation, which he didn't, so Emma's nurse called to ask. The doctor said he'd write an order if they needed it. After they were done looking at her, we did her hands-on. She put her arms down by her side and balled up her hands into fists when the nurse was trying to get her belly measurement (which she doesn't like for some reason). It was sadly cute- she looked like she was so angry! She was then put in an isolette again so she was nice and toasty for the procedure- when she was unwrapped and undressed for them to find a vein, she got a little cold and they had trouble finding a good vein. One of the PICC team nurses said the night shift would have to do it because Emma needed time to warm up- apparently her small veins dilated and her big ones receded since she was cold, and they didn't want to risk putting it in the wrong vein. Also, I found out that Emma's nurse suggested the PICC line because they had to attempt her IV line seven times during the day, ending in putting it in her head. So there she sat in her isolette, which was reminiscent of days past. Her nurse (my absolute favorite daytime nurse. She's awesome) and I stood on either side of the isolette and talked a little bit, when the nurse noticed a loop suddenly forming on her belly. It's basically when you can see the outline of part of her intestines through her skin because the intestine becomes full or distended. Just as she was pointing it out, Emma had a brady. And then her breathing became labored. We both just stood there in silence staring at her for a few minutes... the nurse then told me that we both needed to walk away so our anxiety didn't rise. She called the doctor and I went to lie down, but I became very emotional. In fact, I was fighting back tears for most of the afternoon after the PICC team came in.
• The doctor came to check her out and said she looked alright- her belly was still soft and her oxygen sat was good despite her slightly labored breathing. He said they'd be repeating her belly x-ray tomorrow morning.
• Hubby came later and we had dinner together, but not before he gave me a huge hug in the hallway of the hospital where we met up. I needed a hug from him all day, so I was so relieved to finally get one. We went up to the room after eating and I helped with the 8:00 hands-on. She's at least peeing well and each diaper has a little smear of poop on it. So I guess she's just a slow pooper? Great- I'll have lots of diapers to change! Neither of us got to hold her because the PICC team was supposed to come in soon. Hubby started to get uneasy about the procedure, as did I. We hung out for a little while and hubby sat and stared at her while I pumped behind the curtain. 
• As we neared our home, I broke down again. I had also had a breakdown after her brady event. It's just difficult to see her have such a setback, on top of the fact that she just seemed to be so bothered and in so much pain from her gassy belly all day. She was tensing up in my arms and kept arching her back and squirming when I put her back into her crib. When we got home, I lost it even more as hubby wrapped his arms around me and told me that everything is going to be ok. He held me while I sobbed... I just feel so awful leaving her there. I want to be by her side 24/7 and technically I could... so I feel even worse coming home. Especially when I knew they were going to do a procedure on her that would hurt her. I should have been there to console her afterward... ugh. I shouldn't have left tonight. She needed me... I just don't want her there anymore! I don't want her to be alone and surrounded by sterile equipment and nurses while alarms go off and people come in and out. I know how awful it was for me to be in the hospital- she's defenseless and doesn't understand. What a horrible way to start your life... I'm so torn and heartbroken. 
• To make my emotional matters worse, I called earlier to find out how her PICC procedure went, only to find out that she screamed and flailed the whole time. They were in there for about an hour and I'm not sure how much of that time was used to attempt the line or how far they went in attempting. But they couldn't get it, so they decided to wait until tomorrow when an order can be put in to sedate her and then they'll try again. So of course, I lost it again. Just the thought of my baby screaming and crying... and I wasn't here to make her feel better. If I was there, I could have held her to console her after they were done. But instead, she was just put back in her box. I'm sure the nurse consoled her, but it's not the same. I feel so guilty! My poor baby girl... she doesn't deserve this!
• I was told by the night shift nurse the other night that they have an over abundance of milk for her, so I'm not supposed to bring any more in until they tell me to. So I felt like I would be able to pump and dump once or twice, so hubby bought a bottle of wine yesterday. I had one glass last night, but felt like I was going to fall asleep while standing from getting so little sleep the night before. So I figured I would have another glass tonight to see if it would help calm my nerves about everything that has happened today.
• *sigh* This is how I felt while I was in the hospital- I had my game face on most of the time and tried to grab the situation by the horns. But being human, I had moments when the reality of the situation would sink in and I would break down. So despite being in a bad head space today and having great difficulty coping with everything, I know I'll bounce back and continue to move forward with my eyes on the prize of having my baby home with me. I have to... there's no other way to make it through.
• Tomorrow we're heading to Babies R Us to take advantage of their big sale and buy the rest (well most of it) of the stuff we need for Emma. I ordered her car seat, stroller, and extra car seat base from Amazon last night, so it'll come in on Tuesday. Yay baby stuff!

Here's Emma sound asleep in my arms:

 And here's her board from today:

Spit Up and Gas. Yes.

I'm so tired, I can't figure out how I'm actually still awake... but I must pump. Pump or die.

• Poor little Emma had a rough night last night, so neither of us got much of any sleep. She had the residual at her 11pm feeding and again at her 2am hands-on and her little tummy was also distended at 2am. She had also continued to spit up throughout that time frame. So the nurse called the ARNP, who ordered an x-ray and discontinued her feeds temporarily. Luckily, the x-ray only showed that she was very gassy and the ARNP wasn't too concerned, but she decided to hold off on continued feeds until the doctor could make a final decision on how to proceed, and let me know that she didn't want to make things worse. The ARNP also told me that sometimes this type of situation can be the very beginning of something much more serious and sinister, such as an infection in her intestines, and continued feeding would only make it worse. She said they have to err on the side of caution in these situations just in case.
• Emma was so fussy all night from all of the gas, which I'm certain made her very uncomfortable. I held her after every hands-on and she was finally able to fall asleep each time, but once I put her back in her crib, she began fussing again. She didn't full-on cry, but she whined and whimpered and it broke my heart because there was nothing I could do. The nurse kept encouraging me to get some sleep, so I tried, but I was so worried about her that I couldn't sleep very well. I held her after her 8am hands on and I finally got her to sleep in her crib with a combination of her pacifier and pressure on her head. The nurse also gave her a bath which seemed to help her fall asleep as well. She did not like that bath (sponge bath) at first but once we started drying her off, she settled right down. She's so cute :) She finally fell sound asleep in her crib around 8:30 and so I attempted to do the same... hubby called around 10:30 to say that he was at the NICU with breakfast for me (trust me, I didn't sleep much in the morning because I had to pump and I also waited for a while to make sure she really was going to stay asleep) so I got up to get dressed. And at that point, housekeeping came in. And I almost lost it...
• Remember how I complained about how noisy housekeeping was when I was on the high-risk OB floor? Apparently they're just as noisy in a NICU room with a baby sleeping in an open-air crib two feet away from them. The darned woman was opening trash bags (where you grab the collapsed bag and shake it in the air to open it up) in the room right next to the crib and slamming around the trash cans. Then when she went to mop, she started slamming more stuff around. I almost lost it when I came out of the bathroom but decided it would be better to not let loose on the housekeeping lady... it's best to just contact the head of that department and voice my concerns when I'm calm. I don't know if it was the momma-bear instinct kicking in or the complete lack of sleep or a combination of both, but I was practically on the verge of a homicidal rampage. Ok, that was obviously a big time hyperbole- I'm not going to kill anyone. But for someone who's normally so even tempered, I was incredibly aggravated after being up all night with my baby and having some woman come in and destroy the peace with a trash bag and a mop. Emma began waking up a little but was able to calm back down so I left to have breakfast. The last thing she needed was my negative vibes around.
• The doctor confirmed the plan- they're going to hold her feeds for a day or two to see how she does. She'll have an x-ray again tomorrow to see what's going on in that tummy and if all is well, they'll cautiously start her feeds again. Otherwise, she's still doing quite well! She has the same nurse tonight that she's had the past two nights. I called for an update and was told that Emma has been doing fine and hasn't been fussy like she was last night and that she was sleeping quietly in her crib. I'm really hoping her x-ray will go well tomorrow! 
• Emma had been wrapped in a pretty receiving blanket and wore her new onesie the other day, but got some sort of bodily fluid all over both of them. We gave her a new blanket and onesie yesterday but she spit up all over the onesie. So I have my first (of many) soiled Emma stuff to wash! Why am I excited about that?!
• I had my baby shower at work today- it was weird to be back after five weeks of being away, but everyone was so sweet and supportive and we had a good time. And we had cake! I like cake.
• Time for pumping and then bed. Emma's Grandma and Grandpa H. are picking me up tomorrow afternoon so we can all go see her pretty little face. :) I can't wait to see her again- every time I hold her, I just stare into her face and I have a really difficult time looking away from her. She's just so perfect and amazing!

Ease on Down the Road

So let's just get down to business, shall we?

• The doctor's report today was good again! She had another excellent night with only a couple of minor brady's, which seems to be a pattern for her. They still aren't concerned about it and feel that she'll grow out of it just fine. She's back up to her birth weight of 4lb 5 oz and has been tolerating her feeds very well. And then the best part- the doctor told me I could start breast feeding today! After we hung up the phone, I jumped for joy and instantly called hubby... it was such an exciting milestone for me. I can finally feel like I'm feeding my baby instead of feeding this plastic contraption that sits on the end table in my living room. 
• I waited for hubby to get off work then met him at his office so we could both drive down to see Emma together. I don't know which one of us was more excited to see her. We got here just in time to get settled in and then help with hands-on time. She's already up to 30mL feeds and only had a smidge of residual in her tummy, which she spit up shortly after it was put back. And then we tried breast feeding for the first time! She latched on like a champ and that's where it ended... but I'm more than happy with how well it went. She's so young still and the fact that she was able to latch on and keep latched while she fell asleep was even better. She did get a little milk and swallowed it. So we're just taking little baby steps with her for now... not that her tiny little feet can do much more than baby steps ;) but I'm such a proud momma at how well she's doing.
• She's been spitting up all night and if it continues, they are going to have to scale back her feed increases and keep her on her 30mL feeds until she tolerates them. Her feeds are so much bigger than they had been, so she may have some reflux that's starting to kick in. I noticed that she was making lots of noise while I was pumping behind the curtain- not noises like she was upset or fussy, but just noises. When I finished pumping, I noticed the spit-up everywhere and since her hands are up by her face, she had it everywhere. Her eyelid, her cheek, her nose... and all over her "daddy's princess" preemie sized polka-dotted onesie :( darn- I was really hoping she'd wear it a little longer so I could get a picture but, such is life with a baby! I cleaned her up a little bit, and I officially smell like a mom. The spit up smell is definitely part of eau de mother.
• I just did a "sham feed" with her which is where she latches on while she's fed through her tube, just how we did the first time except with the assumption that she wasn't going to actually breastfeed. Which she didn't, but that kid can latch and stay on! It really is an amazing experience, especially in the beginning when she's alert and looks at my face. She stayed latched for almost 15 minutes and I held her for another 15 while her feed finished. I stared at her the entire time. I just can't take my eyes off of her; she truly amazes me. I just can't believe, especially after everything we've been through, that hubby and I made this perfect little angel of a baby who is now the center of our universe. When her feed was finished, I put her back into her crib and just after the nurse put a little shirt under her chin in case she spit up again... wouldn't you know it... she spit up again. While she was doing her sham feed, the ARNP came in and that's when they decided to scale back her feed increases and wait until she can tolerate the 30mL's. 
• Can I just say that I absolutely cannot wait until she's able (hopefully she's able) to breast feed so I don't have to pump all day every day? Exclusively pumping sucks... just to have her latch on is such a bonding experience, so I know it'll be more so when she's actually eating. And when she's done, I don't have to disassemble her and wash her parts, and then dry them when I'm ready to do it again three hours later. lol.
• I'm getting so much better at diaper changes now! I'm glad I've had practice with other kiddos over the years but there's something seriously challenging about a four pound wiggle worm with more wires attached to her than we have behind our TV. And I also changed her onesie twice tonight and I was surprised at how well I did, considering all of the same obstacles mentioned above plus the fact that I've never changed a onesie on a newborn. In fact, I don't recall if I've ever changed a onesie at all... hmmmm. Anyways, step by step I'm sinking into the mommy role. If anything, and this is a real stretch to find a positive because I hate the fact that she's in the NICU, I'm being eased into parenthood. I have nurses show me how to do everything from diaper changes, temp readings, onesie changes, breast feeding, calming her down, etc. I also have the opportunity to adjust to getting up multiple times at night to pump, getting up early in the morning, and needing a whole lot of extra time to get ready before leaving the house. 
• Emma was weighed at 11pm and is up to 4lb 6oz! She's growing like a weed now and will be in her newborn onesies in no time! Which is great, because she has tons of them.

Picture time!

 Geez, mom. No more pictures! (7/18)

 In her crib! No more box :) (7/18)

I wish I had taken daily pictures of these from the beginning, but I guess I can start with today's :)