Here is what I will say: divorce sucks. For everyone. I have never felt such pain and heartache in my life, and it's not over yet. I have good weeks and bad weeks, days that I feel I may break and never be whole again, and days that I know I'll be alright at the end of this. I may struggle to trust someone for a very long time, and I know I will never be the same. I'm grieving the loss of my promise of forever, my visions of happily-ever-after, my financial stability, and my intact family. But I'm also gaining the chance of being truly happy, and appreciated, and loved. I have the opportunity to find myself again and not settle for anything less than what I deserve. I will trust again. I will love and be loved. And I will be happy.
After this hard part is over.
Pardon my blog French, but I've been through some shit in my life. Like hysterectomy at 27 kind of shit. And worse things that I'd rather not announce to the world, but you get the idea. I am the girl who dreamt of being a mother and had to fight to make it happen, and then watch as my hopes of having more than one child slowly slipped through my fingers and dissipated into thin air.
So I know that this too shall pass, and one day I'll look back on these dark days and be glad that they're over. I spent countless days sitting on my couch feeling helpless as my tiny preemie would turn blue and stop breathing in my hands and wondering if she'd ever take another breath. Seconds stretched out into what seemed like hours and I thought my life would freeze in those days that would clearly never end. But they did end, and now they are distant memories. These days of being stuck in torturous limbo will some day be distant memories as well. The pain will fade and the anger will be worked out... this I know for sure.
I also know that I will not roll over and wait to die. I am not that kind of person. I will, however, cry and whine. I will shout from the rooftops that what is happening to me is just not fair because it isn't fair at all. I will take melodramatic bubble baths with tears streaming down my face while listening to sad Mariah Carey songs (pass me the wine bottle, please. No need for a glass). I will lean on the shoulders of the people who choose to love me, and I will put one foot in front of the other. I will still be sarcastic and witty, I'll still smile a genuine smile because dammit, there's still a lot to smile about. I'll also curse a lot because that's just what I do.
And that's where I'm at. I'm having my struggles as a result of being hurt and I've cried more over the last week than I've cried over the last couple of years. But as I sat thinking tonight, and debating about making my New Year's post, I thought about what would be my favorite memory from the year. And when I struggled to pick just one, I realized that even though this year was shit-tastic in so many ways, there were still so many things that I had to smile about. And that's why I'm writing this tonight- to remind myself of the positives from this year. Just focus on the positives, KT.
Ahem. *cracks knuckles*
I will have to start by saying that this year was a bit of a year of self-discovery for me. I spent some time doing things alone. Took two solo trips to MD to see my best friend and thoroughly enjoyed doing things on my own. I remembered my love of being outdoors, which resulted in two mountain hiking trips, and three camping trips. And a bunch of nature walking days, and caving twice. Which all reminded me that I absolutely hate spiders, which are hell-spawn creatures that have no place in my life. I should invest in a flame thrower. And grenades. But apparently I looked darned adorable when flailing and shrieking because of a surprise spider.
"1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?
2014 answer: too many things I didn't want to do, that's for sure. But I took my first solo plane flight and first solo trip out of state! And it was marvelous.
2015 answer: rode the DC metro by myself. Picked a random bar in a strange city by myself.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
2014: I don't make New Year's resolutions, for good reason.
2015: ^^ what she said^^
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-2014:Yep! One of my best friends had her second kiddo recently and she's so stinking adorable I can't handle it.
2015: tons of people, it was the year of cute and squishy babies.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
2014: "No. And I'm so completely grateful for another year without a significant loss." that was my answer from last year, and it still stands this year. Whew.
2015: another year without a loss, and I'm so grateful for that.
5. What countries did you visit?
2014: 'Merica.
2015: Yeah still America, and Chmurica.
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
-2014 answer: "Free time. My job has consumed my life, and I'm regretting the lack of 'me time'" was my answer from last year. Completed. New job, more free time. Yay! This year's answer: I'd like to have my health back. And more happiness. Less tears.
2015: definitely would like more happiness and less tears. More time spent with people I love. More smiles.
7. What date from 2015 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
2014: 3/11/14, my first biopsy; 3/14/14- getting the "we have your biopsy results and you need to come in as soon as possible and bring your husband" phone call; 4/24/14- my first surgery; 4/25/14- Emma has a seizure; 5/2/14- the "cancer... remission... oncologist" visit with my doctor; 6/17- my hysterectomy, 7/2- bleeding profusely and going into shock.
None of those are good dates. 2014 sucked.
2015: 8/28... the day we separated. Sigh.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
2014: I got another promotion at work! Livin' the good life now. Oh, and I didn't die. I feel like, considering the crap I went through this year, that's a huge effin' accomplishment. And I'm pretty sure I champed through my surgeries like a boss... I was up and walking around within a couple of hours of coming out of anesthesia after my hysterectomy. LIKE A BOSS. And potty training the kiddo. *bicep flex*
2015: I survived in one piece. Made some good strides with my job. Didn't murder anyone!
9. What was your biggest failure?
2014: Being healthy? Not bleeding profusely after a surgical procedure? Finishing the damn artwork I've been working on for Emma's room.
2015: relationships.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
2014: Obvious answer here. Moving along...
2015: Illness for sure. Still no answers, and probably years of tests and doctor's appointments ahead of me yay!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
-2014: Wow these were much easier to answer last year... hmmmm. I guess my iPhone 6.
2015: My couch? That's such an adult answer, ugh.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-2014: A lot of people, actually... my big brother, who always checked in with me to make sure I was ok, and was genuinely concerned for my health. We haven't always been close, but over the last few years he's been so supportive in my most trying times. My in-laws, who were always willing to watch the baby so we could have a break. My step-mother-in-law, who came up to our house on short notice at like 10:00 at night (when she had to work the next day!) so someone could be with the baby overnight without having to wake her up, so Josh could rush me to the cancer center while I was bleeding out (literally, omg still traumatized by that). My parents, who also helped tremendously with watching the kiddo during the week and driving up to my office to pick her up and drop her off, which was so helpful. And my mom for making an hour-long drive to my house a few times to watch the baby so I could rest and recover. Some of my coworkers, who supported me when I was sick, let me vent when I was stressed out, and made me laugh on my darkest days.
2015: My best friend, Lauren, for always being there for me and loving the worst parts of me. For never judging me, and never making me feel like a bad person. And those who quite literally swooped in and helped me pick up my pieces, gave me shoulders to cry on, and did whatever necessary to make me smile. Everyone who sent me funny or sweet texts just to cheer me up. And all of the people near and far who texted/messaged/called me when they heard the news and offered their support and encouragement. Really, you all are amazing.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
-2014: "Let's not go there." ditto from last year.
2015: *crickets chirping*
14. Where did most of your money go?
-2014: Medical bills. So many medical bills.
2015: bills. New tires. Responsible things.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
2014: Christmas with Emma. And never having a period again! Hah.
2015: Christmas with Emma! Even though it was bittersweet and riddled with tears. My two trips to see my BFF. And some much-needed relaxation time on some camping trips.
16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
2014: Ugh, I don't know.
2015: "Elastic Heart"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder: 2014: Sadder in some ways, happier in others, if that makes any sense. It was a really trying year in so many ways.
2015: sadder by far.
Thinner or fatter? 2014: Maybe thinner still? I don't remember how much I weighed this time last year, but I know I haven't gained all of my weight back. Some, though! With my health issues, I went all the way down to 92 or 93 pounds. Definitely not good.
2015: Fatter. But I feel healthy and strong like the ox.
Richer or poorer? 2014: Richer. Pay increase, paid off one car. Cheaper insurance for the kiddo... but daycare. So maybe we're about even. Feels like we're ballin' though... jk jk.
2015: somewhere in between. I'm about to be broke AF though.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
2014: "Blogging. Crafting." ditto. And taking time off work that wasn't related to medical issues.
2015: making myself a priority. Doing what makes me happy.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
2014: BLEEDING. omg. And being in a hospital/doctor's office/cancer center
2015: crying. Apologizing for wanting to be happy.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
2014: "Christmas Eve at my parents' house. Then gifts at home on Christmas morning. Then Christmas afternoon/evening at the in-laws' house." same routine this year. Except way more enjoyable, because Emma had so much more fun. She even did a present-opening dance Christmas Eve because she was so excited.
2015: Same routine again. Plus lots of crying, so let's hope 2016 is a little more cheerful, eh?
21. Did you fall in love in 2015?
My cheap answer: I fell more deeply in love with my baby girl every single day ;)
22. What was your favorite TV program?
2014: "The Office" and "Parks and Recreation" FOR SURE.
2015: Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, Eastbound and Down
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-2014: I still don't hate anyone, but there are some people that I've willingly deleted from my life.
2015: still no hate. Anger, yes. But no hate.
24. What was the best book you read?
2014: I was slackin' on my book reading. But "Gone Girl" is pretty good so far. I'll go with that.
2015: I slacked even more on my book reading this year UGH
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
2014: I don't think I had one this year... sad! Lots of great music, but no "discovery"
2015: Sia, I guess.
26. What did you want and get?
2014: My new job. Effing yes.
2015: Lots of quality time with my daughter
27. What did you want and not get?
2014: Well I always want diamonds...
2015: That's too personal of a question this year.
28. What was your favorite film?
2014: "I'm not sure what movies I watched this year! Bah!" This is always going to be a problem for me. I really liked "The Lego Movie" (hah!) and The Hunger Games, duh.
2015: I actually really liked Ex Machina.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
2014: I continued my streak of terrible birthdays. I was three days out from surgery. I spent the majority of the day in bed, in pain. That was it. No birthday celebrations at all this year. But hubby bought me a nice massage table that he gave to me early so we could use it before I wasn't able to lie on my tummy for weeks on end.
2015: I turned 29- my last year in my 20's. Went out to dinner.
2015 answer: rode the DC metro by myself. Picked a random bar in a strange city by myself.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
2014: I don't make New Year's resolutions, for good reason.
2015: ^^ what she said^^
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-2014:Yep! One of my best friends had her second kiddo recently and she's so stinking adorable I can't handle it.
2015: tons of people, it was the year of cute and squishy babies.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
2014: "No. And I'm so completely grateful for another year without a significant loss." that was my answer from last year, and it still stands this year. Whew.
2015: another year without a loss, and I'm so grateful for that.
5. What countries did you visit?
2014: 'Merica.
2015: Yeah still America, and Chmurica.
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
-2014 answer: "Free time. My job has consumed my life, and I'm regretting the lack of 'me time'" was my answer from last year. Completed. New job, more free time. Yay! This year's answer: I'd like to have my health back. And more happiness. Less tears.
2015: definitely would like more happiness and less tears. More time spent with people I love. More smiles.
7. What date from 2015 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
2014: 3/11/14, my first biopsy; 3/14/14- getting the "we have your biopsy results and you need to come in as soon as possible and bring your husband" phone call; 4/24/14- my first surgery; 4/25/14- Emma has a seizure; 5/2/14- the "cancer... remission... oncologist" visit with my doctor; 6/17- my hysterectomy, 7/2- bleeding profusely and going into shock.
None of those are good dates. 2014 sucked.
2015: 8/28... the day we separated. Sigh.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
2014: I got another promotion at work! Livin' the good life now. Oh, and I didn't die. I feel like, considering the crap I went through this year, that's a huge effin' accomplishment. And I'm pretty sure I champed through my surgeries like a boss... I was up and walking around within a couple of hours of coming out of anesthesia after my hysterectomy. LIKE A BOSS. And potty training the kiddo. *bicep flex*
2015: I survived in one piece. Made some good strides with my job. Didn't murder anyone!
9. What was your biggest failure?
2014: Being healthy? Not bleeding profusely after a surgical procedure? Finishing the damn artwork I've been working on for Emma's room.
2015: relationships.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
2014: Obvious answer here. Moving along...
2015: Illness for sure. Still no answers, and probably years of tests and doctor's appointments ahead of me yay!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
-2014: Wow these were much easier to answer last year... hmmmm. I guess my iPhone 6.
2015: My couch? That's such an adult answer, ugh.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-2014: A lot of people, actually... my big brother, who always checked in with me to make sure I was ok, and was genuinely concerned for my health. We haven't always been close, but over the last few years he's been so supportive in my most trying times. My in-laws, who were always willing to watch the baby so we could have a break. My step-mother-in-law, who came up to our house on short notice at like 10:00 at night (when she had to work the next day!) so someone could be with the baby overnight without having to wake her up, so Josh could rush me to the cancer center while I was bleeding out (literally, omg still traumatized by that). My parents, who also helped tremendously with watching the kiddo during the week and driving up to my office to pick her up and drop her off, which was so helpful. And my mom for making an hour-long drive to my house a few times to watch the baby so I could rest and recover. Some of my coworkers, who supported me when I was sick, let me vent when I was stressed out, and made me laugh on my darkest days.
2015: My best friend, Lauren, for always being there for me and loving the worst parts of me. For never judging me, and never making me feel like a bad person. And those who quite literally swooped in and helped me pick up my pieces, gave me shoulders to cry on, and did whatever necessary to make me smile. Everyone who sent me funny or sweet texts just to cheer me up. And all of the people near and far who texted/messaged/called me when they heard the news and offered their support and encouragement. Really, you all are amazing.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
-2014: "Let's not go there." ditto from last year.
2015: *crickets chirping*
14. Where did most of your money go?
-2014: Medical bills. So many medical bills.
2015: bills. New tires. Responsible things.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
2014: Christmas with Emma. And never having a period again! Hah.
2015: Christmas with Emma! Even though it was bittersweet and riddled with tears. My two trips to see my BFF. And some much-needed relaxation time on some camping trips.
16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
2014: Ugh, I don't know.
2015: "Elastic Heart"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder: 2014: Sadder in some ways, happier in others, if that makes any sense. It was a really trying year in so many ways.
2015: sadder by far.
Thinner or fatter? 2014: Maybe thinner still? I don't remember how much I weighed this time last year, but I know I haven't gained all of my weight back. Some, though! With my health issues, I went all the way down to 92 or 93 pounds. Definitely not good.
2015: Fatter. But I feel healthy and strong like the ox.
Richer or poorer? 2014: Richer. Pay increase, paid off one car. Cheaper insurance for the kiddo... but daycare. So maybe we're about even. Feels like we're ballin' though... jk jk.
2015: somewhere in between. I'm about to be broke AF though.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
2014: "Blogging. Crafting." ditto. And taking time off work that wasn't related to medical issues.
2015: making myself a priority. Doing what makes me happy.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
2014: BLEEDING. omg. And being in a hospital/doctor's office/cancer center
2015: crying. Apologizing for wanting to be happy.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
2014: "Christmas Eve at my parents' house. Then gifts at home on Christmas morning. Then Christmas afternoon/evening at the in-laws' house." same routine this year. Except way more enjoyable, because Emma had so much more fun. She even did a present-opening dance Christmas Eve because she was so excited.
2015: Same routine again. Plus lots of crying, so let's hope 2016 is a little more cheerful, eh?
21. Did you fall in love in 2015?
My cheap answer: I fell more deeply in love with my baby girl every single day ;)
22. What was your favorite TV program?
2014: "The Office" and "Parks and Recreation" FOR SURE.
2015: Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, Eastbound and Down
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-2014: I still don't hate anyone, but there are some people that I've willingly deleted from my life.
2015: still no hate. Anger, yes. But no hate.
24. What was the best book you read?
2014: I was slackin' on my book reading. But "Gone Girl" is pretty good so far. I'll go with that.
2015: I slacked even more on my book reading this year UGH
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
2014: I don't think I had one this year... sad! Lots of great music, but no "discovery"
2015: Sia, I guess.
26. What did you want and get?
2014: My new job. Effing yes.
2015: Lots of quality time with my daughter
27. What did you want and not get?
2014: Well I always want diamonds...
2015: That's too personal of a question this year.
28. What was your favorite film?
2014: "I'm not sure what movies I watched this year! Bah!" This is always going to be a problem for me. I really liked "The Lego Movie" (hah!) and The Hunger Games, duh.
2015: I actually really liked Ex Machina.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
2014: I continued my streak of terrible birthdays. I was three days out from surgery. I spent the majority of the day in bed, in pain. That was it. No birthday celebrations at all this year. But hubby bought me a nice massage table that he gave to me early so we could use it before I wasn't able to lie on my tummy for weeks on end.
2015: I turned 29- my last year in my 20's. Went out to dinner.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?
2014: To be honest, the year wasn't immeasurably satisfying. But, having my family and being alive today are wonderful things :)
2015: pass.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
2014: "Working professional by day, mom by night" pretty much sums it up. I finally ditched the idea of putting on makeup for a quick shopping trip. I've finally made the transition to skinny jeans. And I'm definitely dressing more for my body- finding things that fit better and aren't too big on me.
2015: More dresses and pencil skirts. Which was the result of working out my legs more, and having more of a tan, so I wasn't showing off pasty chicken legs anymore lol. And yoga pants and tank tops at home ALWAYS.
32. What kept you sane?
2014: My friends, for sure.
2015: music. Friends. Family. Being a mom (counterintuitive, I know. She drove me to the brink of insanity at times... but no matter what, I always hold it together because I have her)
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-2014: Chris Pratt. Swoon.
2015: Chris Pratt forever. And J Law.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
-2014: Marriage equality. And companies having more rights than women. Ugh.
2015: marriage equality for the win!
35. Who did you miss?
-2014: My best friend! Saying goodbye to her was the most sad moment of the whole year. We could't let go of each other... but seeing her again was one of the most joyful moments of the year as well.
2015: My best friend again.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
2014: Some people at work who quickly became friends.
2015: ditto! And a few people I previously knew, that just became much closer to my heart this year.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
2014: I am in control of my own happiness. I can let something destroy me, or I can conquer it and move on.
2015: Life is too short to let anyone ruin your happiness. It is vital to be independently happy.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
2014: "Even the stars, they burn. Some even fall to the earth. We've got a lot to learn, but God knows we're worth it"
2015: ^^ouch! but this year... "and another one bites the dust. It's hard to lose a chosen one. You did not break me, I'm still fighting for peace. I've got thick skin and an elastic heart. But your blade might be too sharp. I'm like a rubber band and if you pull too hard, I may snap and I move fast. You won't see me fall apart. Cuz I've got an elastic heart."
2015: pass.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
2014: "Working professional by day, mom by night" pretty much sums it up. I finally ditched the idea of putting on makeup for a quick shopping trip. I've finally made the transition to skinny jeans. And I'm definitely dressing more for my body- finding things that fit better and aren't too big on me.
2015: More dresses and pencil skirts. Which was the result of working out my legs more, and having more of a tan, so I wasn't showing off pasty chicken legs anymore lol. And yoga pants and tank tops at home ALWAYS.
32. What kept you sane?
2014: My friends, for sure.
2015: music. Friends. Family. Being a mom (counterintuitive, I know. She drove me to the brink of insanity at times... but no matter what, I always hold it together because I have her)
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-2014: Chris Pratt. Swoon.
2015: Chris Pratt forever. And J Law.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
-2014: Marriage equality. And companies having more rights than women. Ugh.
2015: marriage equality for the win!
35. Who did you miss?
-2014: My best friend! Saying goodbye to her was the most sad moment of the whole year. We could't let go of each other... but seeing her again was one of the most joyful moments of the year as well.
2015: My best friend again.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
2014: Some people at work who quickly became friends.
2015: ditto! And a few people I previously knew, that just became much closer to my heart this year.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
2014: I am in control of my own happiness. I can let something destroy me, or I can conquer it and move on.
2015: Life is too short to let anyone ruin your happiness. It is vital to be independently happy.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
2014: "Even the stars, they burn. Some even fall to the earth. We've got a lot to learn, but God knows we're worth it"
2015: ^^ouch! but this year... "and another one bites the dust. It's hard to lose a chosen one. You did not break me, I'm still fighting for peace. I've got thick skin and an elastic heart. But your blade might be too sharp. I'm like a rubber band and if you pull too hard, I may snap and I move fast. You won't see me fall apart. Cuz I've got an elastic heart."
