Happy Happy Joy Joy!

I'm just going to jump right to it: today was fantastic!
I went to bed terrified of the thought of having Emma soon. The new game plan seems appropriate to me, but the feeling that the doctors all think that this baby will come soon has me quite nervous. I couldn't sleep well last night because I was getting frequent contractions, some that were crampy feeling, for most of the night. I was woken up at 6am when the tech took my urine collection, then again at 7am for a blood draw, at 8am for vitals, and 9am by the nurse. She brought me my meds and gave me my LAST beta shot. The painful one in my bum... she did a great job of actually injecting it but the aftermath is the worst. I felt a little overwhelmed for a bit and cried a little about the whole situation, but hubby comforted me and made me laugh and I felt a lot better. Sometimes I just need to let it out and then move on. But then magically, the contractions went away. I only felt two at most before breakfast, and only had one on the morning monitor! That was pretty much a record for me, and baby girl's heart rate was awesome, even though she hasn't been moving much for the last few days. I think it's from the steroid shots. And I really didn't have many contractions today at all... maybe three or four per hour at the most which is major progress from 6-10 per hour all day long. I really think that my UTI was causing a lot of the issues and now that it's being treated, I'm feeling some relief.
The results from my urine collection were late because of a missing order in the computer, but the nurse later told me that my protein level came back at 254 (or 252, can't remember the last number but it was definitely in the 250's). I was floored. I was expecting a larger number because the perinatologist said that a significant amount of white blood cells, which contain protein, in my urine could cause the total protein amount to increase and cause a misleadingly high number. And since I have the UTI, I assumed that this would be the case. So when she said 250-something, I almost jumped for joy. Hubby immediately asked if I could go home. lol. My blood pressures were also stable today and I felt pretty well all day long. It was nice to not have constant contractions.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up about this too much, because I have good days and bad days, and this was just one great day. But if the trend continues, I'll count it as a miracle. Heck, I already feel as if it's a miracle, just for one day of good news! It has to be because of the Oreo's and other goodies in my treasure box of snacks from my aunt and cousin. :)
My in-laws stopped by and had a nice long visit with hubby and I. Have I mentioned that they're the best in-laws ever? Because they are. They brought us lunch and we talked for a while. Once my IV antibiotics were done, we went outside into the garden for a bit and I got some sun, but it didn't last long because it was so hot outside. It felt great to get some sun on my skin though. It also felt great to be surrounded by people who genuinely love me and hubby and care about us deeply. I feel it contributes to healing and well-being.
So now, I present to you some photos from my hospital days and whatnot:

 This is what my twice daily monitoring sessions look like from my perspective.

 My SED's- to prevent blood clots. They are so fashion-forward, right? Especially with over-sized basketball shorts.

 The silk flower cake my mom made my for my birthday.

 My birthday cupcake from the hospital. And it was my favorite flavor: vanilla with vanilla bean frosting!

My freshly painted piggies, thanks to my sister-in-law who was thoughtful enough to get me some pedicure supplies for my bday :)

 My almost 30 week belly (29w 6days)

 Emma's profile shot

 Her sweet little face with her lips parted- her chin is on the left and forehead on the right.

Another shot of her face.

 The aftermath of my unsuccessful IV attempts. There was blood all over my arm and some on my blanket.

 The nursery is coming along! Here is the glider and crib :)

My smooching Suzie, given to me by my in-laws today. She's so cute! And you can see the orchid my hubby bought for me on the table in the background. It's real, so I hope I don't accidentally kill it!

A New Chapter Begins

Thanks to Pinterest and Reddit, I've discovered that I have a strong liking of pictures of kittens sleeping on their backs. Thank God for Pinterest.
I'll start with the medical stuff: the plan has officially changed. Instead of trying to prolong by labor by getting terbed when I start contracting frequently, we're just going to let it go. And once I start really going into labor instead of this pre-labor I'm experiencing, they're going to hook me up to an IV drip of magnesium sulfate and see what happens. Its purpose will be twofold: it can stop contractions, but it's more recently been used for neuroprotection of the fetus. Recent studies have shown that magnesium sulfate can reduce the chances of infant intracranial hemorrhage (bleeding in the brain resulting from preemies having weak blood vessels) and cerebral palsy. So even if it doesn't stop the contractions, it's worth the misery of weak muscles, blurry vision, nausea, fatigue, and muscle spasms if it means it's one more added benefit for Emma. I'd do anything for her! This morning, I got my first of two "rescue" shots of betamethasone, the steroid that primes her lungs for delivery. It was the same nurse as yesterday that had the issues getting in the IV line... we're all only human and I could tell she felt really bad about blowing my veins. It happens- my veins are small apparently. So she gave me my beta shot this afternoon and I had faith in her, and for good reason too. The shot was painful, but not nearly as bad as the ones I had before and she did a fantastic job. But it did hurt like crazy afterward. *random interjection: I just sneezed for the third or fourth time in the last few hours. I hate sneezing... I feel like Emma is going to fall out!* They decided not to do the enzyme test since I'm already 1cm dilated and it would obviously be positive, so that was a relief! And the blood work will be done tomorrow when my 24 hour pee pee collection is done.
I do have a UTI... hooray! And not a sarcastic hooray, either- I'm actually quite glad they found something. I'm hopeful that a few days of antibiotics and my pain will subside and the contractions will decrease. *crosses fingers, toes, legs, arms, and eyes* Maybe that won't happen, but I can only hope at this point. So I had my first dose of IV antibiotics this afternoon and while they made me feel a little dizzy, it wasn't bad at all. We met with the perinatologist this evening and luckily hubby had already arrived so he could ask his usual important questions. I'm so glad he's so smart... anyways, it seems I may just go into labor before the pre-e gets bad enough to induce or do an emergency c-section. Scary! It seemed implied that this kid may be here in the next week, but obviously no one can know for sure. The peri thinks that my body is just sensing that something is wrong and trying to fix the problem by getting this kid out. Poor Emma! So we're letting nature take its course. My contractions have been picking up over the last few days, but they aren't painful yet and it seems I'm still in pre-labor for now. I'll probably just suddenly start having back to back and painful contractions one day and be shipped down to labor and delivery for my mag sulfate and possible delivery. I would be lying if I said I'm not terrified about all of this. But I completely agree with the plan... the perinatologist was worried that the terb is just not good for me considering my blood pressures have been bouncing around. Even on a 90mg dose of extended release procardia, which is a blood pressure medication, by BP's have been hanging out around the mid-upper 130's/80/s and have been in the 140's/90's at times. A few hours after my terb yesterday, I was at 151/80 something. So we've canned the terb. There's no point in stopping the contractions if it's wreaking havoc on my cardiovascular system. It's very comforting to know that I'm in good hands here and it seems that the doctors have all been very concerned and thorough regarding my care. It's nice to trust my medical team. And aside from trusting them, most of the nurses here have been just wonderful. The others have been great, but many of them are fantastic. Some of them even pop into my room to see how I'm doing if they haven't been assigned to me for a few days. I had a discussion with my RN and the peri ARNP this afternoon about men in uniform and older men we swoon over. It was funny and I enjoyed the socialization.
Speaking of socialization, my parents, sister in law, and beautiful nieces stopped by this afternoon. The big girls brought me some drawings they made, and they were much more comfortable here than last time, which is to be expected. I loved talking with them and getting hugs. I just adore those three munchkins so much, which makes me wonder how much I'm going to love Emma. My heart almost explodes with happiness and love when I think about my nieces... so it was nice to see my family and joke around. The little niece was being silly- I love three year olds. She's just so adorable. And my sister in law delivered a package sent from my Aunt in North Carolina, who has been so supportive and encouraging through all of this. The package contained a whole ton of snacks, candy, treats, and PEANUT BUTTER and POP TARTS. I almost died of happiness, it was like a Christmas of calories and tastiness. It solves my dilemma of having to hoard my desserts so I have a snack on hand between meals or before bed, but the same things over and over begin to get boring to me. But now I have enough to keep me happy, even during our NICU stay. That was the highlight of my whole week! It was really better than anything I could have asked for. She also sent golden oreos, which are hubby proof :) had they been classic oreos, hubby would have destroyed them before I could get my hands on more than a few. He's an oreo monster.
Speaking of hubby, today was his birthday. I felt so bad that I couldn't get him anything or do anything nice for him, and that he spent his birthday shoving a glider through a doorway that was too small and then lying around doing nothing in a hospital room with me. He insists he doesn't care about his birthday, but I care about it, because without his birthday, I wouldn't have him! I'll spare him the embarrassment of me rambling on about how much I love him and why... but I will say this: I'm so incredibly happy that Emma gets to grow up with a constant good example of how a man should treat a woman. I felt that I had that as a child, too, which is why I ended up marrying someone who treats me well. My dad always respected my mom and I never heard him say anything mean, disrespectful, belittling, or demeaning to her. They never argued in front of us kids... at least not about the big stuff. They would get annoyed and frustrated with one another, but it never went beyond that. I hope to uphold the same for Emma... I want her to grow up to marry someone who respects her and treats her well, so she has to know that it's not only possible, but that it's the norm. And I know she'll have a great example in her daddy. I also know he'll be a wonderful father to her and that he'll love her to death, and I'm grateful for that too. He's an awesome person, and I'm so happy that Emma gets to be in his life like I am. I can't even begin to say how much I love every bit of him.
So I could very well be a mommy in the next week. Or the week after that, or.... who knows? But she'll probably join the ranks of the July birthdays in my family. Although I do think it would be awesome if she were born on our anniversary- August 3. Because she'd be so much less premature AND I think it would be really cool. So we'll see when her birthday will be... I just hope she's healthy.

Not a good day.

Alright, berry pie has been consumed. Let's get this show on the road...
Holy frijoles. This morning was just awful. I didn't sleep very well last night because they discharged a patient and began cleaning the room at about 1am. I don't think it was even the room next to me, but the one next to that, so I feel even worse for the poor lady next to me. I can't remember if I blogged about this before, but when they clean a room after they discharge a patient, it sounds like they completely remodel the room. They may even use a bulldozer; I'm not sure on that though. But there's an incessant amount of banging on the walls for about 20-30 minutes. Not bumping-the-mop-against-the-walls kind of noises, but more like body-slamming-the-walls sounds. It's awful, and I couldn't sleep. I had my vitals this morning at 8am and decided to get up to pee real quick so I could go back to bed. Well, going back to bed was not in the cards. I quickly realized that there was blood in my urine, which led to me realizing that I hadn't felt Emma move yet. She usually at least twitches when I wake up in the morning. So I laid back down and started poking, prodding, massaging, shaking, and practically slapping my belly to see if I could annoy her into moving and... nothing. So I called the nurses' station and let them know. They sent in the charge nurse, who looked at my urine (I have to pee in a plastic "hat" so we can measure my output to make sure my kidneys are functioning well) and said it looked like normal concentrated urine. I knew that wasn't right. She said she would hook me up to the monitor and dip my urine anyways. So she hooked me up, and baby girl immediately began moving. Little stinker! She dipped my urine and left. I checked the computer screen and realized that it was showing some frequent and strong contractions, yet I had only felt two or three. My assigned nurse came in and said it didn't look good and that they were going to have to call the doctor, who would probably suggest that I "go down and get hooked up to mag." She was referring to being sent to labor and delivery (!!!!!!!!!) to be hooked up to an IV of magnesium sulfate since I've been terbed so many times recently and they don't like to keep giving that med. It causes a racing heart and can eventually lead to cardiovascular issues. So I started freaking out a bit. She returned and said the doc ordered another terb and they were going to start an IV. So I got terbed, and then the fun really began. Another two botched attempts at an IV line in my right forearm. After she pulled out the first one, I gushed blood, which dripped all over the hospital blanket. It wasn't pretty. My nurse seemed pretty flustered and tried again on another vein, and that one blew out too. They ended up having lumps around them and now the veins are turning a bluish purple color. I mean, why not?! So another nurse came in and tapped my veins for a looooooooong time before deciding on one in my left hand. She used a smaller needle and got it on the first try, thank god.
So they hooked me up to fluids and the terb stopped my contractions as usual. I was told they had been coming every 5-6 minutes. This validated my feeling that something wasn't right over the last week or so. I wake up sometimes feeling crampy very low in my abdomen but they didn't take it seriously, often referring to it as normal pressure from my growing baby. It turns out that these were contractions that I didn't feel in the same way I feel the contractions that spread higher. The OB came in and appeared concerned, and was especially surprised that I've been contracting for two weeks in the hospital and haven't been checked to see if I'm dilating at all. I know the OB's originally didn't want to check me and irritate it, thereby causing me to dilate more, but since I've been contracting she decided it would be a good idea to know exactly what is going on and the extent of my labor. So she checked me, and said I've dilated to a "fingertip to 1cm" which isn't that bad considering I was at 1/2cm two weeks ago. She then didn't seem too concerned. I had also found out that I was right about the blood in my urine, but she said she thought it was from the cervical changes. I didn't buy that. The OB that saw me yesterday said she wanted to rule out a UTI when I complained again about the crampiness I feel, so she ordered a urine culture. We won't have the results in until tomorrow, I think. But I've never wanted a UTI in my life until now. Because if I have a UTI, it would potentially explain the contractions and some of the pain I feel at times. And they can treat me with antibiotics and maybe slow down some of this insanity. The nurse came in later and disconnected my IV from the fluids but left the line in.
So the ARNP from the perinatologist's office came in to talk to me. She said she wasn't sure what the doctor would say, but if he felt it needed to be treated aggressively, then he would send me to labor and delivery (!!!!!!!! again with the labor and delivery?!), start me on magnesium sulfate, give me some "rescue" steroid shots, and monitor me. She thinks something is brewing and that there's a chance I could deliver in the next week. I'm not ready. She came back later and said they're going to keep monitoring me. Clinically, my symptoms indicate that my labor is picking up. But what I feel is so different, that they aren't going to treat it like I'm actually going into hard labor just yet. So we're back at "wait and see." She also said that I'll be getting one dose of the "rescue" steroid tomorrow morning... it's the same steroid shot I got twice when I was first admitted and it's supposed to prime Emma's lungs so that if she's born in the next two weeks, she'll be much better able to breathe and require less assistance for respiration. Those shots hurt so bad, but I'll do anything for my baby girl.
Tomorrow is going to suck. Another 24 urine collection, steroid shot in my bum, blood work, and another fetal fibronectin test (similar to a pap test). Hooray.
I ended up sleeping for 3 hours this afternoon after all of the craziness from the morning. I felt like I could have just slept until tomorrow but managed to get myself up and about. I'll probably have difficulty sleeping again tonight, but oh well.
Emma bear has done well today, though. I really wish I knew what she was doing in there sometimes, because she really goes to town in there! She was exploring my rib cage with her foot last night... it was cute, but uncomfortable. I can't wait to kiss those little feet! It just makes me sad to think of how much it hurt to be poked with needles all morning, and then to think about how my little baby will have to have an IV, a feeding tube, and possibly be intubated when she's born. My poor little angel baby. But I can't get caught up in all of that... I just have to focus on keeping her in my belly so she can be as healthy as possible when she's born. 32 weeks is the goal! And that's in nine days... we can do it! We just don't need any more days like today ;)

I Ate Chocolate Cake.

I had another shot of terb today. Terb terb terb terb terb. Ugh.
However, today was relatively uneventful. My morning monitoring went well despite having a few contractions and my guppy's heart beat didn't drop during them, which made me feel a ton better. I ended up having the same nurse I had my first day which made me very happy, along with the student nurse that gave me my first steroid shot. She's in the USF nursing program, so naturally she's awesome. Lol ;) I complimented her on her injection-giving skills because I had no lingering pain or soreness from that injection. The nurse, who was an RN with lots of experience, who gave me my second shot the next day ended up injecting it waaaaaaaayyyy too fast and it was incredibly sore for days. So I figured I'd at least let her know that she rocks at giving extremely painful shots. I believe it's a good skill to have.
I must say, the food here is darned good for a hospital. I had a super tasty chicken salad on whole grain sandwich for lunch and a pork chop with mashed potatoes and mixed veggies for dinner. And chocolate cake for dessert. *gasp* For those that know me well, you're well aware that I'm not a fan of chocolate in most forms. I'm a total cake monster and feel a serious twinge of disappointment when I find out that a cake being served is chocolate. I'm vanilla all the way. Or lemon... mmmmm even better. Anyways, I decided to risk it with the chocolate cake and it paid off. It was a very fudgy cake... I'd hesitate to even call it cake because it was practically a somewhat light weight fudge. And it was actually really good. But don't get excited- I still don't like chocolate in most forms. Ironically, I used to joke around when people would act astonished about the fact that I don't like chocolate and I would typically say "yes, I have ovaries and no, I don't like chocolate." The irony is, I ended up finding out that I have bum ovaries that don't work on their own. If only I had the chocoholic gene, I probably wouldn't have needed the fertility drugs. Oh well.
So I did have to have a shot of terb today because my contractions picked up during the afternoon hours. This makes twice in a row that I planned on painting my fingernails and ended up getting terbed (yep, I just made terbutaline sulfate into a verb), therefore ruining my nail painting plans. But once the shakes wore off, I was able to finally paint my digits tonight and they look fancy-shmancy. On a side note, I find it funny that "terbed" is so oddly similar to "perturbed," which pretty much summarizes how I feel after getting terbed.
The OB said I'd be here until delivery, which I already knew, but she added that it would probably be another 6 or 7 weeks. Hah! I wish... it's interesting how the conversations and information is so different between OB's. The last few have said they are hopeful I can make it another two. Would I love to be on hospital bed rest for another 6 or 7 weeks? No. But would I love to take my Emma home with me a few days after she's born instead of her being in the NICU for weeks on end? YES. So if I have to be here for another 6 weeks, then so be it. I can handle it.
Otherwise, today was fine. Emma almost made me pee my pants because she pounded on my bladder really hard. That kid.
Speaking of that kid. I just can't wait to be a mother. People enter parenthood for so many reasons... some by accident, some because it's part of the expected path of adulthood, some because they are obligated by family, some do it for additional government benefits (ugh), and some do it because they truly want to be a parent. I feel like I fall into the latter category. I've wanted to be a mom since I was a kid, and I've loved children for a long time. Aside from that, I think there's something magical about having a little human being that I can teach, mold, nurture, love, snuggle with, and guide. If you think that's a "rose-colored glasses" type of approach, then you are so sorely mistaken. And how, you may ask, would someone with no children have any clue what parenting is really about? Well, I've worked with so many families over the last four years that I can't even count. There were good parents, great parents, bad parents, horrible parents, and everything in between. I constantly took mental notes about what works and what doesn't and I noticed that the parents who had the happiest families and most well-behaved kids were the ones that had that same view on parenting. Of course it's tough and there are plenty of moments you'd rather forget. But these amazing parents had a lot in common: they wanted to enrich their children's lives and teach them. The children loved to explore their world and ask questions and there was so much love you could sense it straight away. They had family dinners, played together, did activities, and showed affection towards one another. The parents didn't dictate anything to the kids and rarely used harsh tones. That's the environment I want for Emma... I want to do fun things with her and immerse her in a world of love, learning, and opportunity. I really want her to look back on her childhood and feel it was enriching and carry lots of fond memories with her into adulthood. That's my goal, as idealistic as it may sound. I know I won't be a perfect parent but I think as long as I try my best, she'll have a good shot in this world.
She's also going to be hilarious. Especially if she picks up any of her daddy's mannerisms. Hubby and I have spent a lot of time lately imagining and joking around about what she's going to be like and how she's going to act. I'm sure she'll pick up her mommy's exaggerated "I don't know" shrug. I just hope she doesn't pick up on daddy's fake punches when I tease him or prove him wrong. The last thing we need is this ninja kid going around fake punching people. It may not go over well with everyone. Although it would be pretty funny for her to run around in a fluffy pink tutu throwing air punches. Hee hee.
Ok, I'm stopping there so I don't write another novel. I can't believe people actually read these long ramblings! But I love you all, and thanks for all of the ongoing support and encouragement!

Day 15

I have yet to master the craft of eating in bed... I seem to spill something down the front of me every time I eat. Hubby thinks it's hilarious, but I happen to think that I don't pull off the sloppy look very well. Oh well, it's not like I have anywhere to go or anyone to impress! I've impressed hubby enough since I've known him- I think I can take a break for a bit ;)
Speaking of hubby, he came for another visit last night. It's kind of sad that our relationship has been reduced to phone calls, text messages, and visits BUT it's for the best. As I expected, we've become closer through this just as we did during our infertility journey. I've always known that he loves me, cares about me, and would do anything for me, but we've never really had a situation that would put the latter to the test. He's really been such a champ about this and I can't imagine having to go through this without his support and love. I just love that man to pieces.
I made it off the monitor in 20 minutes both times yesterday! What I didn't know, though, was that Emma's heart rate was dropping during the contractions I was having last night during my PM monitoring session. My nurse, who is awesome, just called the OB to see what the OB thought and was told that the OB wasn't concerned, so I guess the nurse decided not to freak me out and didn't say anything. I had some contractions during my morning session today, so I figured the OB would be called. Just before the nurse came in, I had another contraction and noticed that baby girl's heart rate became really slow. Like, scary slow. This has happened a few times before and no one ever said anything about it and I always forgot to ask. So when the nurse came in a few seconds later, I asked if that was normal. She shook her head and said "no." She said it was in conjunction with the contraction (I didn't put two and two together to realize that it was happening during the contraction) and that she was waiting on the OB, who was down in labor and delivery. She did reassure me that she didn't think it was a big problem because Emma's heart rate immediately rebounded each time and went above her baseline, which was a very good sign. Apparently her heart rate slowed during each of the three-ish contractions I had but I couldn't really detect the difference just by listening. Her baseline was 140 (which is good!) and dropped to 110 for the first few contractions. But during the last one, the one that scared me, it dropped to about 80! Hubby looked just as scared and concerned as I felt. The nurse had me turn on my side and the contractions subsided. When the OB came, she explained that the contractions seemed to be clamping down on the umbilical cord and temporarily decreasing the blood flow to my princess. She said that, since I basically have no cervix left, the contractions are squeezing harder on everything than they normally would. She assured me that there was no ill effect on Emma and that it was short-lived and she bounced back very well.
So hubby then took me for a wheelchair ride out into the tropical storm winds. I kind of enjoyed it... it wasn't too hot, and to feel the wind blowing through my hair was a welcomed change from the hospital room. The nurse tonight mentioned that she was tired of all of this poor weather. I told her it didn't make a difference to me- the weather is always the same in the hospital!
We met with the perinatologist again today... they swing by to check on me every couple of days. It was a different doctor than the two I've met before, and I really like this one. I hate when doctors seem like they're in a rush, and so far, two out of the three peris I've met have been wonderful and really take their time to talk and be thorough. He's happy I've made it to 30 weeks (and two days!) and took some time to answer our questions. I asked for clarification on the pre-e and whether it would definitely get worse. He said yes, it will absolutely get worse but what we don't know is when that will happen. He conferred with the OB that the deceleration of Emma's heart rate isn't harming the baby and that her umbilical cord is just being squished in there when I have the contractions. At this point, it's just a waiting game, and one that will hopefully drag out for a few more weeks. We'll just have to see if my water breaks first or if the pre-e gets worse, but he indicated that this baby won't make it to 37 weeks. It's a scary thought, and I'm definitely not prepared to have this baby yet! Hubby brought up that we've been informed about the extended release version of the Procardia that I'm taking for blood pressure and contractions. He also brought it up to the OB, who didn't think it would be worth it. So he tried again with the peri (he's such a good advocate for me) and mentioned that the contractions get worse about 30-60 minutes prior to my dose of Procardia and that my blood pressure readings are starting to go up. He told the peri that he thought the extended release would help because I wouldn't have to worry about an increase in contractions four times per day. He also wanted me to have the extended release med because then I wouldn't have to have meds at 12am and 6am and I could actually get some sleep at night, but he didn't say that to the peri because that was more of an added benefit than a real reason to switch. The peri said he thought it was a good idea too and that we should go ahead and try it and see what happens. I'm so grateful that hubby looks out for me so well. And so grateful that my OB's and peri are so wonderful. My nighttime nurse said that my OB practice is one of the best that work out of this hospital and said that there is only one other practice that she likes as much. I'm so glad I chose them- I wonder if all of this would have been caught if I went elsewhere and I've heard horror stories about practices that don't pay much attention to these things. I was initially a little frustrated with the one OB who seemed to be so crazy about my blood pressure, but now I'm grateful for all of the additional testing, appointments, ultrasounds, etc. that they had me do.
So my first dose of the new med was at 6pm. I was put on the monitor at about 7:45 and had seven contractions in less than an hour. Awesome. So I had another lovely shot of terb... I used to really dread these shots because of how they make me feel but I've gotten used to them now. Well, as much as I can be considering it makes my whole body tremble and my heart race and just makes me feel yucky. But now I just give my arm to the nurse and let her shoot me up and then prepare for the storm. I know it could be so much worse! So my contractions stopped and all is well. At least Emma's heart rate didn't drop with the contractions since I was lying on my side this time and she's been wiggling around all night. I just feel so bad every time I get a contraction because I worry that her blood supply is getting cut off! My poor baby girl- it seems my body just doesn't like being pregnant and it's taking it out on her! She's getting squeezed and squished and she'll have to enter this world when she's not ready! It's just amazing to me, though, that suddenly the center of my universe (aside from hubby) is a little 3-4 pound baby that I haven't seen or held yet. She's the most important thing to me... I never knew I could feel so much love towards my little guppy before I've even met her.
So the plan is unchanged- continue the hospital bed rest. 24 hour urine collection every week (this week it has been bumped to Thursday due to an error in the orders that prevented us from doing it today), weekly blood draw to monitor for HELLP syndrome (I'll let you Google that if you wish), growth ultrasounds every 3 weeks, twice daily monitoring, and BP readings every four hours. I'm getting the hang of hospital life and I've been able to come to terms with this situation as much as possible, so I'm still feeling alright! I only started to cry when hubby left today, but it stopped at me getting misty-eyed and didn't go any further. Progress :)
Now that the shakes have stopped, I think it's time to paint my fingernails and watch some Mad Men!

Gel Belly

I have some hilarious cousins who nicknamed me "smelly belly Kelly" year ago. Thank god it didn't catch on with anyone else... I also like to joke around with the kids I work with when they forget my name; I tell them that it rhymes with jelly, but if they say smelly, we're no longer friends. They usually like that :) anyways, instead of smelly belly Kelly, feel free to call me gel-ly belly Kelly because I get all gelled up for monitoring twice per day. I don't know that I'll ever get used to the cold gel, though and the general feeling of stickiness that follows for the rest of the day. Yuck.
So apparently the weather outside was unreal today, although I really wouldn't know because the view out of my window is of a roof, a building, and a parking garage. I can only see a few trees if I lean in on the left side of the window and look to the right, so my perspective on the weather was really limited. I know it rained all night and day, but that was about it until I turned on the TV. Since the hospital has satellite TV, the only channels I could get were local channels and I only had them on for background noise. But they kept interrupting the program with a new tornado warning every 15 minutes or so for quite a while and talked about the amount of rain, flooding, and wind throughout the area. I had no clue! I knew tropical storm Debby was churning out there, but I didn't realize it was giving us anything more than just some rain. And at one point, they showed a possible tornado about a mile directly north of our house! Scary. Hubby called about an hour after that to let me know that there was a huge rush of wind that went through and was suddenly over. Luckily there was no damage that he could see. So I guess it wasn't the worst thing in the world for me to be on the third floor of a hospital with nowhere to go today!
I've been getting contractions pretty regularly for the last three days. I really worry that Emma is going to make her grand entrance into this world soon, and I'm not ready! She's not ready! No one is ready!!!!!!!!! I saw the OB this morning and told her about my concerns about the contractions. Just as she was asking if I felt them more in one location than another, I started to have one and offered for her to feel for herself. She poked around and confirmed that I was definitely having a contraction, and said she would just order a shot of terb to give me "a break" from the contractions for a bit. I hate terb, but it does work. Interestingly enough, I read a few articles that state that it doesn't work at all and that any women claiming to have had relief from contractions after being given terb would have just stopped contracting on their own and that the terb was not the reason for the contractions stopping. However, I've had the terb four times and each time I've gone from having contractions every 5-10 minutes to having none at all shortly after the terb was administered. I hardly consider that a coincidence. So despite the awful trembling and racing heart, I was kind of relieved that she was ordering it because I knew I'd get some relief. I ended up just sleeping off the side effects (a two hour nap. I guess I needed it) which helped too, and I only had a few contractions during the afternoon. I had about five during my monitoring tonight, so the nurse paged the OB, which is what last night's nurse should have done too, and the OB said that we didn't need to do anything about it tonight. Once I rolled over on my side, there was more time in between them.
But now they're back with a vengeance and they're starting to hurt a bit. Not much- just like menstrual cramps, but it's a little concerning to me. If I have one more in the next 25 minutes, it's time to call the nurse. It's also getting close to time for my next dose of meds, which is usually when my contractions pick up, but they've never been sore like this before. Ugh. At least I've officially made it to 30 weeks!!! Yay!! The OB's new goal is 32 weeks... but at this rate, I'm not sure we'll make it. We'll see though, and I'll do everything I can to get to that point and as far beyond that as I can.
During my consult with the OB today, whom I hadn't met before today, she said "you suck at being pregnant." And it didn't bother me one bit that she said that, partly due to the way she said it, and mostly due to the fact that she's right and I appreciated the honesty. She said it in a lighthearted way, and believe it or not, I really like this particular OB. But she's not coming back until next week :( Prior to that statement, I mentioned that hubby and I wouldn't be doing this again. So her response was very welcomed- I don't want to hear the usual and obligatory "you never know what will happen" or anything along those lines, which I know are statements that are meant to encourage me and help me. Honestly, who would choose to go through this again? And it's not a matter of if it were to happen if I got pregnant again. After being diagnosed with incompetent cervix (which is what I have), a subsequent pregnancy would require a preventative cerclage. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a stitch... yes, a stitch... or two through your cervix to hold it shut. And there's a risk of all of that tearing if you go into labor and they can't remove the stitch in time. Aside from that, it requires bed rest afterward and while it's not necessarily hospital bed rest, it's still bed rest from about 12ish weeks onward. So again, who would choose to go through all of this again? And there's no guarantee that any of that would work and I feel very blessed to have made it to 30 weeks. If she were to be born now, we'd be looking at about 6+ weeks in the NICU. If I were to deliver any earlier, the results could be even more devastating.
I think I had more thoughts to get out, but it's time for me to lie on my side for a bit to see if my contractions will subside. If not, it'll be time to call the nurse. Wish me luck! If all goes well, then it's time for some Mad Men! I love that show.

When you Believe

Just keep swimming... that's the plan, at least. I'll keep swimming so Emma can, more literally, keep swimming. The OB discussed last night's "episode" of contractions with me this morning. I had asked her how often they would check my cervical length and she basically said there's no point, since my last one measured about 8-9mm and is, in essence, gone. She said that these episodes of contractions are likely making it disappear more and more each time, which scared me and caught me off guard. I guess I just thought that my contractions were no big deal since they have responded to the terb shots so far, but apparently I was wrong.
This morning started out alright- hubby and I slept until about 8:30am (but don't be fooled, we were definitely woken up just before 6 and at 6 for meds) and then I ordered some breakfast. I was on the monitor for two hours again because Emma was sleepy and wasn't getting her accels like they wanted to see. The nurse mentioned that she thought the standard was a little too high for Emma based on her gestational age, so she wasn't too concerned. I ended up falling asleep while on the monitor- for some reason I was really sleepy this morning! So the nurse finally just took me off the monitor until the OB came in, at which point the OB agreed that Emma looked fine and we didn't need a BPP (ultrasound) today. I'm just getting the feeling that the time is near and that I'm going to have this baby in the next couple of weeks. I don't know if it's because the perinatologist mentioned yesterday that it would be great to get another two weeks out of this pregnancy or because of having contractions two days in a row. Either way, I just have this feeling that I hope is wrong. My realistic goal is for another two weeks, but I really want to go another four weeks before I have her. She's got a much better chance of being alright at 34 weeks than she does at 32, although even at 32 weeks she has a good shot of having fewer complications.
I took a nice hot shower and ate some lunch before hubby took me for a spin in the wheelchair, and I was quickly disappointed to find that it was raining so I couldn't go outside for some fresh air. So we opted to sit on the third floor in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows looking out over the main road. We talked and joked around... I can't imagine going through this with someone other than him. He makes me laugh every single day of my life and is so caring and sweet to me. And the fact that he's endured this major disruption and stress and spends time in a hospital doing nothing with me just shows how much he really does care about me...
He left to go home so he could bring some more food to his parents' house for our dog and get a good night's sleep so he can get some stuff done around the house tomorrow before he goes back to work again on Monday. I always cry when he leaves. Not because I'm upset with him for leaving, but because every fiber of my being wants to go with him. We Skyped for a bit while he was at his parents' house so I could see my puppy... she's so cute I can't even stand it. But I broke down afterwards. I just want to go home. Some days it gets to me more than others, and tonight was one of those moments. It's such an impossible situation to understand until you live it... while I want to go home, I also don't. Because I'll get to go home when Emma is born, and I don't want her to be born soon. It's very overwhelming to think of being here for another four weeks, or even two weeks for that matter. Luckily the first two weeks (wow, I can't believe it's almost been that long!) have gone by pretty quickly. But I'm just not ready to be a mommy yet, so I need to stay as long as possible, even if that means growing more and more homesick every day. And even if that means missing my own baby shower, or not seeing my puppy for another month or more. I know I can do it, I just wish I didn't have to. But my baby's health is the most important thing to me!
So the name of my blog comes from a song I listened to repeatedly when I was a teenager. It's from "The Prince of Egypt" and Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston sang a version of it that they played on the radio. I don't know why, but it popped into my head when I was creating this blog, so I decided to go with it. Here are the lyrics:

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could


There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe


In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe


They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
A small but still resilient voice
Says hope is very near

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
somehow you will
You will when you believe

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe...in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believe


So in a sappy moment, I played that song on my phone via youtube and put the speaker on my belly so Emma could hear. She wiggled all around in the beginning and after it was over. Actually, hubby called in the middle and when the music stopped, she had a fit. I sobbed throughout the whole thing... blame it on the hormones and homesickness.

Tonight's monitoring was alright... the contraction monitor was placed too high so it didn't pick up the first three contractions I had. So I moved it a little and it picked up the last two, but the nurse didn't seem concerned (actually I think she doesn't believe me that I'm having these contractions). She told me to let her know if I was having six or more in an hour. On my seventh contraction in 68 minutes, I was about to call but she came in at that moment. I told her about the contractions and that the last one was crampy and my back was sore. She didn't seem overly concerned and said I'd know when I was really in labor... well, isn't the point that we don't get to real labor? Because at that point, we're screwed. If we can stop this early labor, we're buying more time before delivery. So needless to say, I'm a little frustrated- my contractions are the same tonight as they were last night, and last night the OB was paged and I got a shot of terb. Tonight, it's a non-issue. So I drank a ton of fluids again, but I'm still contracting. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.
To end on a good note: I got a foam egg crate mattress pad put on my bed tonight, with fresh sheets to boot! It's so much more comfortable now that I can't feel the metal bar directly under my lower back. That combined with a nice back massage from hubby and I'm feeling a little more relaxed (physically). And I'm feeling alright emotionally too- I actually consider myself to be very emotionally stable right now for being just shy of 7 months pregnant and being confined to this sterile prison. I'm only having meltdowns every couple of days, and they're more like episodes of just letting go of the emotions and processing what's really going on. There's a lot of fear, frustration, disappointment, stress, and and confusion involved with this, so it's only natural that I let it out every once in a while. So to me, I'm doing pretty alright :)

Adapt and Overcome

Since the last few days have gone well, minus a few minor hiccups, I guess I started getting a bit of a false sense of security about this situation. The OB and perinatologist didn't mention anything about the possibility of going home, which I assume is attributed to the fact that I had some pretty frequent contractions yesterday. The perinatologist also talked about when my pre-e becomes severe, not if it becomes severe, and reflected that he's hopeful that we can get another two weeks out of this pregnancy. *cue sound of a record skreeching to a halt* Here I was, mentally hunkering down for a long stretch of weeks and weeks of hospital bed rest and here the doctor is talking about two weeks. Obviously he's probably just being extra cautious and doesn't want me to get my hopes up. I'm going to continue to believe that I'll be here for a long time, although honestly, I don't think it has completely sunk in yet because it's really difficult to picture life in this hospital room for another couple of weeks, yet it's equally difficult to picture delivering Emma any time soon and having to spend weeks in the NICU with her. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
And then I started getting contractions again tonight, but this time they were stronger and closer together. I ended up being on the monitor for about two hours and had to have another shot of evil terb, which stopped the contractions. But of course, I felt shaky, anxious, and my heart was racing for about an hour and a half after the shot. It also interrupted my delicious chicken wing dinner- they hooked me up to the monitor as hubby arrived for his weekend visit (ugh, so much like jail! Not that I would know what jail is like, I promise) so he rationed out my wings to eat while I was monitored. But when the contractions started and didn't stop, eating was out of the question because I had to lie back a little and turn on my side, out of reach of my chicken. By the time all was said and done, I felt so crappy that I really didn't feel like finishing my last few wings, which were sadly sacrificed to the trash can.
I love having hubby here. It's nice to cuddle with him and hug him... I close my eyes and imagine we're at home snuggling in our own bed. The only thing that's missing is my puppy :(
So I guess I don't know where I stand and the future is completely unknown. That hasn't changed at all since I've been here, but I started to believe that everything was just dandy and forgot that anything can change in an instant.

There's this country song I've heard a few times on the radio... it's basically a song sung by a father about his new son, and the lyrics talk about what this little boy would be like if he was anything like his father. Which got me thinking...
If Emma is anything like me:
She'll transition easily from blue jeans with holes in the knees to a pretty, fancy dress.
She'll be a little too emotional at times as a kid.
Climbing trees and playing in the dirt will be some of her favorite activities, along with playing dress up and tea party.
She'll scrape her knee and not care until the sight of the first spot of blood, at which time she'll scream mercilessly.
She'll want to please everyone, and won't take criticism well, especially from someone she loves.
When she gets into middle school, she'll suddenly become extremely self-conscious and care entirely too much what others think, which she'll carry with her for a long time.
She'll strongly desire to be a fashionista and will want the best and trendiest things.
She will need to know everything. Absolutely everything about everything.
She'll excel in school and miss being in the gifted program by three points.
She'll have lots of meltdowns as a teenager.
She will have the most awkwardly crooked front teeth known to man and will require braces for two years.

As the song says, God help us if she's anything like me! I can tell you this, though- she is going to be spoiled. Well behaved, but spoiled. We worked so hard to conceive her and are now going through so much to have her be healthy... I can't imagine that we'll have more children. So she'll be our one and only miracle. She really is a miracle- it's quite apparent that I wasn't designed to have children so to have a chance to be her mommy is such an amazing thing for me. We're truly blessed.
Time for bed. I have big plans for tomorrow. NOT!

Day 11

I have good days and bad, and that's to be expected. Yesterday was just hilarious, good, and bad. But not all at the same time.
I had a visit from my bestest friend ever, Lauren (AKA Auntie Lauren). If there's anyone who's equally as excited as hubby and I about our little Emma, it would be her (ok, and the grandparents too). I've known her since we were both 6, so not only is she my best friend, but she's my sister. And don't even get me started on how much I love her WHOLE family... they took me in for Christmas Eve this past year because I had just found out that I was pregnant and hubby was working that night. I didn't want to be around family and accidentally spill the beans because we had planned to announce the big news on Christmas day. It was the most fun I've had on Christmas Eve since I was a kid and I always leave their house feeling happy and loved. Anyways, my Lauren came to visit me yesterday and brought me some hate chicken Chick-fil-A. We had some fun reminiscing on the old days of working there as teenagers and all of the shenanigans we got into. She then took me for a wheelchair ride and somehow we both made it out alive... I thought hubby was a dangerous wheelchair driver but OMG. I didn't know a wheelchair could go so fast, and I also didn't know she could race me down the hallway without getting kicked out of the hospital. She attempted to hop on the back like a shopping cart and almost lost her foot... I was laughing so hard that I worried I'd go into labor! So we hung out and talked and she ended up staying for most of the afternoon/evening which made my day go by so fast. She also brought me some goodies. I just love that crazy fool!!!
So aside from that, my day was pretty typical. Emma behaved well on the monitor but I had more contractions than usual, leading to me having to drink insane amounts of water. I also had to be monitored three times as I began having more frequent contractions at night, but luckily no meds this time. Just tons and tons of water.
Today is day 11... I woke up feeling nauseous, shaky, weak, and just not good overall. I ate a healthy breakfast and felt better, but now I'm starting to feel sick again. Hmph. I haven't been monitored yet because they are upgrading the computer system so once that's done, I can get hooked up. It kind of throws off my afternoon schedule of lunch, nap time, and shower but I think I'll get over that :)
I saw the OB and the specialist today and there was no talk of going home. They're happy that I'm stable but I guess being stable doesn't erase the fact that I'm in preterm labor and have pre-eclampsia. I get it. But I just want to go home! I miss my puppy sooooooooooo much it hurts. I can't believe it could be up to another two months or more before I see her and cuddle with her again. I also just want to sleep in my own bed with my hubby by my side and my puppy by my feet (or lying with her head resting on my ankle or my leg. that's my favorite!).
Things I look forward to:
Not having to measure my urine output.
Not having to keep track of the amount of liquid I drink.
Being able to go to the fridge to get a cold drink or something to eat.
Not having people coming in and out of my room all day.
Having more than a handful of TV channels.
Not having a hard bar in my bed under my bum.
Being able to go outside.
Eating a home cooked meal.

But most of all, I look forward to being with my baby at home. I want her to be healthy and not need to be in the NICU for long, so I'll endure this hospital awfulness as long as I need to. Emma's movements have changed a bit, and I can feel her rolling around a little more. The little pokes and twitches have shifted into feeling larger body parts moving around, so I'm getting a better idea as to how big she is. Her feet have been on my right side for a while now and she frequently pokes me, strokes my insides, or pushes with them. Sometimes I can press on my side and she'll poke me back and I love when that happens... it always makes me smile, even when she pushes back so hard that it hurts. She's a silly baby.

Happy Birthday, hospital style

I've had this "tradition" since I was a little kid where I would save my favorite/most special outfit to wear on my birthday, even if I had nowhere to go and nothing to do. This of course excludes the one birthday I had- it was my fifteenth I think- when I spent the entire day in the hot Florida sun building a pool deck out of wood alongside my mom and brother. I really didn't have much of a wardrobe choice on that day. I digress... I actually did the same thing during my fertility treatments and would wear my best outfits and get all jazzed up after getting bad news. It always cheers me up to feel good on the outside if I'm not feeling so hot on the inside. So I kept with tradition today with a hospital bed rest slant: my amazing in-laws brought me some Victoria's Secret Pink pants and a shirt that I absolutely love, so I saved them to wear today. I got lots of compliments on my hot pink shirt, which coincidentally has my birth year (86! I'm a youngin!) printed on the back like jersey numbers.
But I have to say- my birthday started off SO. BADLY. I started my second 24 hour urine collection yesterday around 6am so it was finished up today at 6am. My "neighbor" yesterday was so loud and apparently had issues sleeping, so she decided to be incredibly noisy so that I couldn't sleep either. So I was up past 1am. I had difficulty sleeping in the middle of the night, which could be one of those awesome pregnancy symptoms or a side effect of this hospital stay, and had those awful recurrent dreams that make me frustrated. I woke up often and felt like I wasn't really sleeping much. And then I was woken up at 4:30am by the girl from the lab, telling me that she needed to draw blood- yes, at 4:30am!- to see if we could do my 3hr glucose test. I told her that my OB said yesterday that we weren't doing the test until next week, but she double checked the order and today was the day. So she drew from my right arm, which was only poked once last week on Wednesday. Then I had my vitals at 5:30 and the lab girl came back and gave me a bottle of glucose solution to drink so we could start the test. At least my tech stayed in the room for it- she is such a sweet lady and empathized with me, and thank goodness for that because the lab girl is a girl of few words and emotions. And to make matters worse, the glucose solution was orange flavored, which I despise. On a side note, my aversion to orange flavored anything may be a psychological thing stemming from an inside joke that started between me and my best friend in 6th grade. It was far too 'adult content' for our age and I'll spare you the details, but that could be the cause of my issues with orange candy. If she's reading this, I guarantee she's snickering :) Back on track now- after the evil orange syrup, I laid back down and barely fell asleep before the RN came in for meds. When she left, I fell back asleep for about a half hour before the lab girl came back for my first of three blood draws that began at 6:45am and were spaced an hour apart. She decided that, for the first two of those three draws, she would just go ahead and poke me in the gaping hole in my left arm where my IV line sat for three days and was removed just two days ago. It didn't tickle, I can tell you that. So for the last one, as she came to the left side of my bed, I asked her to draw from the right side and she agreed. I was so cranky at that point from being woken up every hour after a terrible night's sleep that I whined to hubby after the lab girl left and then tried to get a little more rest. I got up sometime around 9:30 I think, and hubby gave me a very sweet birthday card that made me cry a little.
So my day started off terribly. We ate breakfast and I got hooked up to the monitors... Emma was wiggly again and kept rolling off the monitor, but she did well overall and I was off in a reasonable amount of time again. The OB came to talk to me and told me that I passed my glucose test and that the protein in my urine is still in the 300's. WOOHOO! I mean the protein being in the 300's isn't good- it's still in the range of mild pre-eclampsia, but it hasn't gotten worse so I count this as a good thing.
I then had a cupcake delivered from room service and it was my favorite flavor- vanilla cake with vanilla bean frosting. You'd think that being a cupcake baker (on temporary hiatus), my favorite flavor would be something more exotic and cool but... nope. Just plain vanilla. Mmmmmm. So my lunch was a cupcake and some cheetos and I feel I deserve that. Somehow, despite all of the french fries and doing nothing, I've lost a pound and I'm the same weight I was five weeks ago. Not quite sure how that happened because I've been eating terribly.
Then my mom, brother, sister-in-law, and my three beautiful nieces came for an afternoon visit! My sister-in-law saw a picture I recently posted on facebook of my SED's, which are the things they put on your legs that squeeze them gently to help avoid blood clots. In that picture, you can clearly see that I haven't given myself a pedicure lately... so my birthday gift was all the fixin's so I could paint my toenails. Mission accomplished: my piggies look good now :)
Hubby and I also took a NICU tour this morning which was actually a little awkward. It was kind of... "ok, here's the NICU! Here's a room. We keep babies here. Have any questions?" Ok so obviously that's an exaggeration but it was short and to the point. I'm glad we did it though, because it was good to see the setup in person. It's brand new and beautiful... the decor makes it look a bit like an upscale hotel and everything is dimly lit, quiet, and soothing. It is nice to know that our baby will be in good hands if she ends up there and that we can be with her 24/7 if we want. I'm sure someone will have to physically remove me from the hospital or I may not leave as long as she's there. She's my little buddy- I feel her moving and kicking all day long and I can't imagine being away from her if she's in a little box and hooked up to wires.
Today was a little depressing though. I tried to keep my spirits up, but it's tough at times and I think that's understandable. I try to let myself feel what I feel, even if that's not so good at times. I felt really sad when hubby left- he called me to say that he thought he could see my window from where he was parked on top of the parking garage, and he was right. He was able to see me standing in the window with my pink shirt on, so he waved to me. Then my mom pulled up behind him so she could give him the crib mattress that my parents bought for us (such a big help!). He called me back to say that he was leaving and I waved to him again and watched him pull away and drive off and I got really sad. I felt like a puppy in a window. A prisoner in a sterile cell. I just want to go home, even if only for a day. I want to sleep in my own bed without being interrupted, to relax without having people in and out of my room all day, to shower in my own shower, to snuggle with my puppy and my husband. Sigh.
But I got lots of birthday wishes and encouragement today from friends and family. Even the perinatologist ARNP stopped by after her shift to wish me a happy birthday. I also got some good news about insurance as it appears that my out of pocket cost is going to be less than what I had thought, so my AFLAC coverage will really help make up for the loss of income from being on disability. But that's only for the time being and once my disability is up, I don't quite know what I'm going to do. BUT. I'm relishing every bit of good news I get. It's all I can do.

My Guppy

No berry pie tonight... I devoured my gigantor chocolate chip cookie a little while ago while watching a show with the hubby. He has today and tomorrow off so he's staying the night with me- what a trooper. His bed is so uncomfortable here and he has to deal with being woken up and having people in and out of my room all day and night, but he's taking it in stride. Just to have him here makes me feel so much better, and I felt like a little kid waiting for the mailman to arrive with a package this morning when he was on his way. He took me for my first wheelchair ride this afternoon and I got to go outside for the first time in a week. A WEEK! It was nice to sit in the sun for a little bit and breathe in some fresh air, much less to just get out of this darned room! I'm glad hubby is skilled at pushing a wheelchair due to his job, yet that also means he's confident enough to NASCAR me down the hallway and zig zag me back and forth. He was so tempted to pop a wheelie, but I think he knew I'd kill him if he tried. That's one reason why I enjoy him being around- he makes me laugh all the time. I love his sense of humor :) We laughed and joked around all day, which made me feel a lot better... even if most of the laughter was at my expense. I spilled a ton of water on my bed this evening, so the tech came in to change my sheets (hubby offered to do it for her, he's so sweet!) and he decided to ask her if I could have a sippy cup. Nice. I'll remember that...

He also brought me a buffalo chicken sub from Publix, which was so tasty. AND- Cheetos! I'm a Cheetos fiend, and I've been having to save my dessert after dinner so I have a snack before bed because room service closes at 9pm and I get hungry before I turn in for the night. I've been staying up until midnight because that's when I get my meds, and it's too difficult to fall back asleep after being woken up after only an hour or two. So I just keep myself awake until meds and then pass out afterward. Anyways- the Cheetos are going to be a big help because I can finally just have a snack right when I'm hungry instead of calling room service and waiting for my food to arrive or not being able to call if it's after hours. I get hungry very quickly and it comes on strong, so if Cheetos weren't my best friend already, they would have quickly gained that status in the next few days.

Today was a good day all around- I had my favorite day shift nurse today, whose fiance is coincidentally a firefighter too, just like my hubby. We actually have quite a bit in common and she's hung out in my room for a little bit here and there to talk and joke around. She even brought me a birthday card this morning because she's off tomorrow, which is my actual birthday, and wanted to get it to me today. My morning monitoring went great- baby girl's heart beat looked fantastic! But I had two contractions in 20 minutes, so they had to keep me on for another ten to make sure I didn't have another contraction, which I didn't. So I was only on the monitors for 30 minutes this morning. The perinatologist came in to see me and it was the same one I saw the second day I was here. He's absolutely amazing and reminds me of my reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist, AKA my RE), whom I really liked and trusted. So the perinatologist came in and kind of small talked with me for a little bit, which I really like in a doctor. I hate feeling like they're so busy that they just get right down to the nitty gritty and waltz away before you have time to come up with a question. He's pleased that the last few days have gone well and hinted that there's a very tiny chance that I could actually go home before I deliver. He told me that it's only a small chance and not to count on it, but that it's happened in cases like this before and he wants me to keep that in the back of my mind. Today is my repeat of my 24 hour urine collection (happy happy joy joy) and those results are going to be quite important. If things haven't gotten any worse or much worse, that will be another factor in determining whether I can actually go home. If I can go home, I don't think it'll be right away, but at least I can hope a little that it happens. But I'm still prepared to be here for the long haul. I really can't believe it's already been a full week! The OB came in a little while later and echoed the same thing that the perinatologist said. She also told me that I'm not going to have to get any more steroid shots in my bum and I was so thrilled with that. That shot hurt so bad! And the nurse that administered the second one in the series injected it way too fast... it's a thick shot, and over the course of today, that spot went from not being sore at all to being increasingly tender and sore. It makes me think back to this 13 year old boy I used to work with last year that had a progressively sore hip/glute after his leg landed in between the frame and the jumping portion of a trampoline. They thought he pulled a muscle, but it turned out that he developed a MRSA infection deep in his hip where a pocket formed from the trauma. He was in the hospital for like 6 weeks! Yikes! So naturally hubby is making fun of my sore bum because it's just so hysterical to him. lol.
I've seen a few babies when I've been out of my room for ultrasounds or on my "mom's day out" wheelchair ride today and I've also heard a baby or two in the room next to me. I wish they would have put me in that room- it seems that the women who get put in that room leave quickly. I want to go home too! But anyways, it actually doesn't bother me at all to hear or see the babies. It reminds me of the fact that little Emma is still in there and that I can hopefully look forward to hearing her cries and holding her. Just not any time soon, I hope.
Emma is still being a silly little baby. She swooshes and rolls around while being monitored and has to be chased down to get her heartbeat in the beginning. She hiccups a lot too... and consistently kicks me in my right side. She's big enough now that I can feel her foot poking me and sticking out sometimes. It's not comfortable, but I love it! I dubbed her the "guppy" today. This will likely sound strange, but the whole experience of feeling her in there reminds me of a fish... like a little guppy or a goldfish swimming around in a bag of water, and you can feel them when they hit or brush up against the side of it. And watching my belly jump around reminds me of fishing as a kid, and feeling the little tugs and bumps of a fish nibbling on the bait and seeing the bobber bounce up and down in the water. So my Emma is my little guppy. Hee hee.

High Risk Hope!

I'm sitting here staring down a slice of berry pie that I've been saving since after dinner... once I'm finished with this blog, I'm going to attack it and show it no mercy.
I worried that I would inflate to the size of a hippo by the time I have Emma and I'm pretty sure that, unless I deliver soon, that will absolutely happen. The combination of lying around doing nothing all day and eating french fries will likely thrust me directly into obesity. *shrug* but I guess I don't have much of a choice at this point... you can't put a menu complete with a burger, chicken fingers, and fries in front of me and expect me to order a salad every day. I curse genetics for my high blood pressure and German hairiness, yet I also rejoice in the fact that I've had a reasonable metabolism and have only had to mildly diet while on birth control (don't kill me for saying it out loud!). One thing I hadn't anticipated was how quickly the effects of minimal activity would set in- my calf muscles are already sore and spasm frequently from not being used... I can just sense them beginning to atrophy already and they get sore when I get up to walk around, which really only consists of walking to the bathroom and back or walking around for a few minutes to tidy up and reorganize things. I watched a riveting video today about exercises I can do while on bed rest to preserve some of my mobility and muscle tone. My poor legs, though- all of this rest and non-usage on top of the fact that they have to carry around an extra 24 pounds. I can only imagine how immobile I'll be as I rapidly gain weight from this awesome diet of french fries.
My little Emma was such a stinker today! She spent the last few days being lazy and refusing to move enough during monitoring but she definitely made up for all of it today. In fact, she was so squirrelly today that the day shift nurse had to keep chasing her down with the monitor to get a consistent heartbeat. We could hear her swishing and rolling around in there and she punched the monitor a few times... hehehe, that's my fiesty little girl! But finally she gave up and cooperated and had a PERFECT monitoring session. Tonight went exactly the same: the nurses (yes, it took two this time) had to chase her down forever but once she hunkered down, she did just fine and I made it off the monitor in 20 minutes. Hooray! I also had no major contractions during my sessions today... just a couple little ones.
And- my IV line was removed today! Hallelujah! I had asked to have it removed the other night, but the nurse said it needed to stay in case I needed any meds via IV. But last night's nurse said any meds I would get wouldn't be through my IV and suggested I ask my doctor to put in an order to have it removed. So the doctor agreed and out it came after my morning monitoring session! Since it was in my left arm in the crease of my elbow, I couldn't bend it, which made it so uncomfortable to sleep at night. I'm supposed to sleep on my left side as much as possible but my shoulder got really sore from not being able to bend my arm into a comfortable position. And it was also a royal pain to shower because my line had to be covered so it wouldn't get wet, on top of not being able to bend my arm. So washing my hair was no bueno. Needless to say, my shower this afternoon was absolutely splendid but it was unfortunately cut short because my meds were late and I started having contractions again.
Then another amazing thing happened: my nurse brought me a big bag of goodies from High Risk Hope, a local non-profit organization that does some really awesome things for the long-term women on the high risk OB unit. Apparently it was started by a woman who spent a good chunk of time here on this unit last year, so she wanted to give back to those going through this ordeal. The care package was a God-send... it has everything I could possibly need or want and it really made my whole day! There were two really soft blankets- one crocheted blanket and one really soft fleece one. So now I have some comfy blankets instead of these silly hospital ones. And there were tons of toiletries, slippers, socks... everything. It really brightened my day, and I'm hopeful that I can volunteer some of my time with them in the future. Getting the bag was another reminder, though, that I'm a long-term patient here. I mean I obviously knew that, but I guess they don't give the bags to everyone who comes here as some get to leave after a day or two like I thought I was. Oh well, there's no changing it!
There was one really low spot today... I had planned on working until I deliver and had arranged with my supervisor and director for me to do paperwork and such from bed so I wouldn't have to use my PTO time or short term disability yet. Since I've been with the company for less than a year, I don't qualify for FMLA yet and only have about two weeks of PTO time, a good portion of which was already used for last week. BUT. That wonderful plan was a no-go and I'm not allowed to work from home the hospital, despite having a doctor's note stating that I'm medically cleared to do so. So I have to use my PTO and go out on short term disability, which will only cover me for 6 weeks at 60% of my pay. That's a huge pay cut that we can't afford. And if I happen to not deliver within that six weeks (which I hope I don't!), then I have to be on leave without pay from that point forward and we just can't afford to lose my income right now. Especially with the enormous hospital bills headed our way. When I do deliver, I'm not certain that I can get another 6 weeks of disability for the delivery- I thought I could, but the lady with HR said she didn't think it worked that way. I also still have to pay my incredibly expensive medical insurance premium monthly while I'm on a reduced income. So that was a big setback for me and I'm really stressed out about how we're going to make all of this work. Obviously I need to focus on being well and keeping this baby cooking, but it's really looming in the back of my mind that I'm pretty much hung out to dry on this one. I've worked hard to have a nearly perfect credit rating (and so has my husband) and to be financially stable, and it sucks to see that it could all get washed down the drain so quickly for a medical reason. I did almost everything I could: I paid for short term disability (I'm really kicking myself for not getting the long-term disability now), AFLAC, medical insurance, etc. And yet this is going to be a huge financial struggle. BUT. We'll make it through somehow...
Emma is going nuts right now- my belly is just rolling around and jumping all over the place!
And to close, I have to give a huge thanks to my amazing friends and family that have reached out to me during this trying time. It has definitely helped me stay positive... from my wonderful relatives in North Carolina, whom I miss so much, to my local family and friends who have been praying for me and checking in. And to those who have sent me funny texts and posted pictures and such on my facebook to cheer me up- you all know who you are, and you're the best! I owe you all big time :)
And I just remembered my pie... om nom nom...

Orchids and Razors

Today was not a bad day...
I'm getting used to the routine, especially in the morning of 6am meds, sleep a little more, have breakfast, get put on the monitors, and talk to the OB at some point. I'm only supposed to be monitored for about 20-30 minutes at a time, but my stubborn little baby and my stubborn uterus usually result in me being on the monitors for about an hour or so. This morning was no exception as I had no contractions but Emma's heart rate wasn't doing what it was supposed to (fluctuating for a certain amount of time), despite the fact that she was rolling and wiggling all over the place. She is SUCH a wiggle worm sometimes- my whole belly jumps, twitches, and rolls around. I wonder what she's doing in there sometimes, but more on that in a minute... anyways, because her heart rate wouldn't fluctuate despite me being on my side and drinking juice, I had to have another biophysical profile done (hereafter dubbed the "BPP"). It's just an ultrasound to check to make sure she's alright, and it lasts up to 30 minutes. I had one the other day when I was having contractions and she wasn't moving around, but the tech today explained it to me a little more in depth today, possibly because she realized (like I did) that this will probably not be the last BPP I'll have. So within that 30 minutes, they score the baby on certain things like movement, respirations, and some other things that I'm not certain of. And yes, I said respirations- even though she's not really breathing yet, she's practicing breathing in amniotic fluid and it's an important thing to see before she's born. The BPP I had the other day resulted in a score of 6/8 during the whole 30 minutes, which was not good. It was mostly due to her lack of movement- the most she did the whole time was to flex her wrist. So while they weren't overly concerned about it, it didn't look good to have a 6/8 BPP in my chart. Well, today was redemption day for miss Emma, who scored an 8/8 quite quickly. The tech was very happy about it, and so was I... the tech even made sure to announce Emma's good score to the nurse as we returned to my floor. During the ultrasound, the tech showed us Emma's face from the front and I swear she looks JUST like her Daddy! She has some adorable little cheeks. The most amazing part was when she started opening and closing her mouth as if she was chomping on something... we all had a good laugh and the tech replayed it for us. I almost cried- it's truly breathtaking to see her in there despite everything that's going on. It gives me the strength to keep trucking through this hospital stay because I know the ultimate goal is to take home my baby girl and never let her go. But she was being a little ham and trying to roll away and hide from the ultrasound machine... she's so cute that I can't stand it. Tonight's monitoring went much better and I was off the monitor after about 35 minutes :)
When I met with the doctor this morning, she approved for me to have a 30 minute wheelchair ride every day! It's the little treats like this that make my day.
I also had visitors for the first time, starting with my amazing in-laws this afternoon. They brought me some birthday presents and other things to make my stay more comfortable. Then my parents came to visit and brought me some more goodies and kept me company for a bit. My mom bought me one of those fancy shmancy crochet kits (the ones that don't use the traditional two needles... it's pretty impossible to explain in writing so I'll just leave it at that. Google away if you want.) and some pink and white yarn, so I'm going to take a crack at making a baby hat starting tomorrow. Hopefully it isn't a disaster.
My husband stayed with me last night and most of today... he's such a trooper. This has to be so difficult on him because he's just as helpless as I am, but he still has to make sure the chores are done at home and he still has to work. I'm trying to work too, obviously from my hospital bed, but he still has to go in for 11 hours a day for 4 days per week. And then drive an hour to the hospital. And do our laundry, mow the lawn, go grocery shopping... I feel so awful for him. But he's my strong man and he's handling things well as we're both getting used to this unique and unexpected situation. He'll be back tomorrow night since he has Tuesday off, and then he'll come again on Friday night and stay with me again.
In other news, I finally have a razor. I've been here since Tuesday and being of partial German descent, I'm looking like a bit of a mess. The husband brought me some tweezers and nail clippers yesterday so I was able to rid myself of the awesome unibrow that I was growing. Since my mom brought me some razors tonight, I can tackle the man legs and European armpits I've been sporting for a few days.
I ordered a sandwich for lunch, which came on a plate complete with a beautiful purple orchid. Anyone who knows me well knows that orchids are my favorite flower by far and I'm just obsessed with them. So that was a nice little surprise :)
So I'm starting to adjust to this insane situation by taking everything one day at a time. I'm not going to overwhelm myself thinking about tomorrow or next week. Although I am looking forward to seeing the doctor in the morning since my nurse tonight suggested that there's no reason for me to still have an IV line in my arm and the doctor could write an order for it to be taken out. She noticed that it looks uncomfortable and, well... I agree! So hopefully they can take it out tomorrow and I can be free of these evil tubes sticking out of my arm.

Getting the Boxing Gloves Ready

Sometimes when the big things suck so bad, you have to take joy in the little things. Right now, there's no changing the fact that I'm in the hospital, on strict bed rest, and will likely have a very premature baby in the NICU for a long time. But what I can change is my attitude and outlook on everything... beginning with finding joy anywhere I can.
So today hasn't started out awful... despite another night with very interrupted sleep (vitals every four hours, meds every six, sometimes a little early on meds and vitals, and the sometime-after-seven-AM visit from my day shift nurse and tech), my monitoring went well this morning. I'm still having contractions, but they weren't bad enough to need the evil turbutaline sulfate or a flush of fluids... Emma also wasn't moving quite as much as they would have liked, so they gave me juice and put me on my side, which did the trick! The contractions subsided and she started her ninja kicks again... I never knew the power of apple juice prior to today. So, finally, I made it off the monitor without having to have the doctor paged or have some sort of treatment or follow up. Hooray victory! And good job, my little Emma- keep kicking me as hard as you can. I'm enjoying every little jab, I promise!
There were a few good moments yesterday, too. They decided to take me off the IV fluids yesterday afternoon and I could have hugged the perinatologist, the perinatologist ARNP, and the RN that were in my room at the time (let's hope all of this attention doesn't go to my head). It was such a headache to tote my IV stand to the bathroom every hour, especially in the middle of the night. And the electrical outlet in the bathroom was broken for the first couple of days, so I couldn't just leave it plugged into the bathroom all day, causing me to have to plug it into an outlet in the room. So every time I needed to pee, I had to unplug it, wrap the cord around it so it didn't drag on the floor, and plug it back in when I was done. So to be free of that thing was amazing. AND I didn't have to have them unplug it from my arm when it was time to take a shower. The stand is still sitting in my room mocking me, but I'm mocking it right back. FREEDOM!
So the silliest of my small joys has got to be in the little blue and white box sitting on the table next to my bed. Breast pads. Again, I almost hugged my RN when she brought them to me... I've started leaking milk (well, colostrum) quite bad and it's not pleasant. Sorry to any men reading this that may be adverse to strange pregnant bodily functions! I was going to have my mom purchase some and bring them to me (because you know breast pads are in the same category as tampons... that category being "things that make men extremely uncomfortable to buy") but the hospital is able to supply them. I've never been so happy about something like this.
On another note, an MD or ARNP (can't remember which credentials she had) from the NICU came to visit me at 7am today. I was still groggy but I'm glad she talked to me. She gave me the low-down on the NICU and the complications with preemies. It was scary to be told about intraventricular hemorrhages and the idea that she may need a ventilator, but I had researched a lot of this prior so it wasn't a complete shock to me. It felt good to be informed... I know she'll be in the NICU so I'm getting ready for that. I'm putting on my metaphorical boxing gloves and I'm ready to fight, and I'm hoping Emma will do the same. Put on those gloves baby girl!
I felt like my journey through infertility force fed taught me some valuable lessons about faith, patience, and the overall idea that everything happens for a reason. Just before we conceived our miracle, I realized so many things- God's delay is not God's denial. There were different plans for my life than the ones I laid out for myself. It all happened how it was supposed to. I also learned how to be happy for others when circumstances in my life make me want to curl into a ball and hibernate for a long time. Just because things are tough for me, doesn't mean I can't feel joyful for others and it surely doesn't give me the right to be envious or have any ill-feelings towards anyone else. Apparently that's a difficult thing for some people to grasp, because there was a good handful of people who just couldn't bring themselves to be happy for me when I got pregnant. It bothered me for a bit, but I'm over it now. It is very humbling and encouraging to me that there are so many people who have reached out to pray, offer support, and and give me well-wishes. I never realized how many people cared about me and I'm so overwhelmed by the outpouring of support. It's also interesting that some people haven't said a thing about it, but again, I'm getting over that.
There's no justice in things like this- that the crack heads of New Port Richey can pop out seven healthy children that they don't want to take care of. That people can sneeze wrong and get pregnant. That babies can be born addicted to drugs and medications and be put into foster care. That I had to go through so much to get pregnant, and now have to face the reality that my baby may never come home with me. HOWEVER. It doesn't have to be just. It just is what it is... and I can't change it, so I should probably not dwell on it and whine about it. Even if something goes drastically wrong, I've been given an amazing six months with my baby girl in my belly and I've felt very blessed. I know for certain that I'll make it through to the other side, I just don't know what that other side will look like. But I'll make it through, and I also know that I'll be stronger because of it. My life has just changed more than it ever has but I'm as ready as I can be.
So, in the unfortunately not famous words of Boy Scout Bill... "that's that for that! Is that not it? It is!"

The Best Laid Plans

You know what they say about the best laid plans... and since I'm such a planner, you'd think I would be well aware of how much things can take you completely off guard when you least expect it.
Getting pregnant was the first of those well-laid plans that went astray. I knew I may have difficulty because of my endometriosis, but I had no idea that I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome. That was some devastating news and really threw a wrench (and lots of fertility meds and some surgery too) in our plans. But, we finally conceived in December of 2011.
Everything was picture-perfect for a while. I have a history of high blood pressure (thanks, genetics!) so they monitored me very closely, but everything went very well. I made it through the dreaded first trimester without puking and was able to eat everything in sight, so despite being quite nauseous, I actually felt quite well. And I HATE praying to the porcelain god, so I felt a little accomplished at making it through the first trimester. That seems like such a long time ago now... my how quickly things change.
So everything continued to go well: my blood pressure stayed alright and all of my testing came back with good results. Every ultrasound was perfect and our little baby, Emma, looked fantastic. It was more than I ever could have asked for- finally, after our long journey to conceive, we had good news.
June 12th was my 28 week OB appointment and the first of my serial growth ultrasounds to make sure that Emma was growing properly. She looked perfect again but then... everything changed. My cervix shortened to 1cm and suddenly the discussions turned to hospital admission and bed rest. It all happened so quickly and my head was spinning- my OB said I'd likely be in the hospital for a day or two to be monitored and then I'd have to go home for bed rest. I was devastated, but didn't even have time to be. We stopped at Chick-Fil-A (OMG pregnancy craving) on the way to the hospital and then were immediately checked in and admitted when we arrived to St. Joe's Women's. I still couldn't believe what was happening and I hate the unknown. I used to drive my parents crazy as a kid because I had to know everything.
They attempted to start an IV but had difficulty getting a line in, so I was poked twice to no avail. To top that off, those pokes were really painful and after the second attempt, I lost it and started crying. The nurse was comforting and understanding and told me to let it all out. She got another nurse and they started a line in my hand, and then everything started to happen and sink in. I got hooked up to a monitor and started some meds to calm down the preterm labor- I had been having cramps for the prior two days but didn't think much of it because it was irregular and not painful. They gave me the first of two steroid shots directly in my booty and I almost died. It hurt so bad! But the shots are supposed to help Emma's lungs develop quicker, so if she is born early, she has a better chance at surviving. So despite the horrific pain, it was worth it.
I've never been in the hospital overnight. I've had three outpatient surgeries, and outpatient procedure, and a few short trips to the ER, so this is so foreign to me. Everything went well the first day and night, although I started getting some contractions the second morning. I had to do the dreaded 24 hour urine collection for the third time since I've been pregnant. Let me tell you, there is NOTHING fun about saving all of your pee pee for a whole 24 hours... it's gross, annoying, and it makes me cranky. And since I'm in the hospital, they had me on fluids which made me have to pee every 30-60 minutes, even in the middle of the night. I just wanted to go home. I had an ultrasound and again, my cervix was short but Emma looked great.
The OB met with me the next day and said she wanted me to stay another day for monitoring and so we could get all of our test results back. She also wanted to do a fetal fibronectin test the following morning to test for an enzyme that's released when the amniotic sac starts detaching from the uterine wall. So I hunkered down for another night in the hospital. It's not easy to sleep when there are nurses coming in every few hours for vitals and meds, on top of having to pee all the time.
The next morning, all hell broke loose. I woke up with some pain and pressure really low, which led to contractions. I watched the monitor and they were coming quickly and getting more intense. The little ones I had before got up into the 30's and 40's and these were shooting up to the 70's-90's. The nurse rushed in and told me I had to take some meds right away. She gave me a shot in the arm that made my heart race and made my whole body start to shake. We had unplugged my IV since it was giving us fits after my morning shower and I said I didn't want more fluids until I spoke with the doctor. She tried hooking it up again, but there was a blockage in my hand and she had to start another line. My right hand didn't look good, so she opted to stick it in my left inner elbow on the condition that I'd be a good girl and not bend my arm. It was a deal- I surely wasn't interested in being poked and prodded again, especially now that I was scared, shaking, and I felt like my heart was coming out of my chest. So she got in the line, and administered another type of med that made me shake even worse and my whole body turned bright red. I had already become accustomed to the tourist sunburn look since the pills I had been taking since I got to the hospital made my whole body turn a lovely shade of hot pink, so this additional redness was just an enhancement to my new skin tone. My contractions calmed down and I slowly started to feel better, but now Emma wasn't moving. In fact, she hadn't moved all morning. Her heart beat was fine, but it wasn't fluctuating like it should and she was just not doing anything. They sent me for an ultrasound, and she still wasn't moving. The perinatologist came in and explained that, basically, things weren't dire but they weren't great. I would be staying in the hospital until I delivered, which could be days or weeks. No one would know for sure. AND, I had been diagnosed with pre-eclampisa since my 24 hour urine collection came back with bad results. I felt so deflated.
Once we got up to our room, I lost it again. And I cried, and cried, and cried. This was never what I had intended... I felt such a sense of loss and fear. Will Emma be ok? How long will she be in the NICU? How long will it be before I have to deliver her? Will I be ok? How will we handle all of these medical bills? I couldn't talk to anyone other than my mother, and at that, I spent a good length of that time just sobbing on the phone, completely unable to utter any real words.
I took the rest of the night to come to terms with what was going on. The OB offered me a glimmer of hope about going home, saying that the pre-eclampsia was in the beginning stages and could possibly be monitored and managed at home, but it was still up in the air. But then the perinatologist told me otherwise, saying that I'm probably not going home pregnant. I'm still not over the shock, and it still hasn't completely sunk in. I took a nice hot shower this afternoon and realized that things have changed more than I realized. Instead of having time to prepare for her birth, get everything ready, and to mentally get ready for labor and being a mommy for real, I realized that I picked up and left one morning for a routine doctor's appointment and won't be back home until after Emma is born, whenever that will be. So I left my life just how it was, and it will never, ever be the same again.
We're taking everything one day at a time, hoping that the pre-e doesn't get worse and that she doesn't decide to come any time soon. I'm only 28 weeks and five days pregnant. So she has about a 95% chance of survival if she were born now, but would require a lengthy NICU stay. And of course there's that chance that she won't make it, which is a thought I can't even bear to entertain for a second. Luckily, this hospital recently opened a brand-new NICU with all private suites, so we can stay in her room right along with her 24/7 after she's born.
There's a lot of unknown right now and I'm terrified of what could happen but I'm trying desperately, with every fiber of my being, to stay positive and take things one step at a time. We're hoping to keep her in the womb for a few more weeks if possible but there's no way to tell if that'll happen. That enzyme test came back positive, so there's an increased risk that I'll deliver within two weeks, but again- no one knows for sure. So we'll have to sit and wait. Which is something I don't do very well in these types of situations. In the meantime, I'm gathering as much information as I can to prepare for what lies ahead and reading stories of others' journeys for inspiration and hope. I'm trying to mentally prepare for being a NICU mom and for the ups and downs that are surely in my future. Life right now is just one step at a time.