Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Backward

Today was a rough day... thank goodness there's a box of Georgetown Cupcakes in my freezer. Perfect for a day like today... thank you Kathlene ;)

Aaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd here we go:

• My parents came to pick me up today to take me to see Emma. It saved me from having to drive down there and they were also able to see her for a little bit... which was so nice of them because my house is the exact opposite of being on the way to the hospital from their house. Like a total idiot, I decided to get some additional sleep after my 8:30am pumping, so I slept from 9am-11am. Which caused me to have to rush around in complete idiot fashion to get ready... by the time my parents arrived, I had showered and pumped and that was about it. But they got to see the disaster of a room that we refer to as Emma's nursery (still haven't finished putting everything away- we really need a closet organizer stat!) and my mom helped wash my pumping supplies while I packed my bags. I figured I'd pack an overnight bag just in case Emma's x-ray was good and they allowed me to restart her "sham" feeds. 
• On the way to the hospital, the doctor called. Her belly hadn't improved and she still had tons of gas, so they were going to continue to hold off on her feeds until the issue resolved. He also mentioned that he felt it would be beneficial to start a PICC line so they don't have to keep redoing her IV lines every few days. For those who aren't familiar, a PICC line is basically like an IV, except the catheter is very long and goes into her heart through an artery. It can be left in place for up to a month, but carries more risks than a traditional IV line. After consulting with hubby, we decided it was the best thing to do, despite the fact that neither of us wanted her to go through something like that. The doctor assured me that the procedure wouldn't be any more painful for her than a regular IV, but I know better than that. Otherwise, her vitals have been good, including her temperature. She seems to be doing well other than her belly... I can't help but think that they were too ambitious in putting her into a crib. The day she was moved to the third floor, the nurse mentioned putting her into a crib. But the next day, the doctor said that she needed to be tolerating full feeds first- that she needed to focus on digesting and tolerating her feeds before she started using energy to stay warm. It seemed like the nurses took it upon themselves to put her in a crib, and I think she was just not able to use energy to digest and keep up her temperature at the same time.
• When we got to the hospital, she was sound asleep in her crib. We dropped off my bags and then grabbed a bite to eat, then went back up into the room in time for hands-on. I got to show off my skills of changing a diaper on a squirmy preemie... they had to put her IV in her head so they changed her into a shirt instead of her onesie. The nurse said we could put her in another onesie, but I showed her the button-front shirt I had and we put that on her. It was just too cute. I showed the nurse the matching pants, and a little while later she said we could put those on her as well. Here she is with her shirt on:

And with her complete outfit:  

• I held her for a bit and my parents got to watch her look around with her dark blue eyes and make some adorable faces. Yep- blue eyes. I initially thought they were brown, but they are actually a very dark blue. So we'll just have to patiently wait to see what color her eyes end up being. Anyways- since she's gassy, she smiled a whole ton and if she hadn't already completely won over her grandparents, she sure did today. But I know she already stole their hearts from the beginning... my dad told me how happy he was since Emma was born and we all ended up crying (except for the baby... go figure, the adults cried and the baby didn't. lol). It was a very touching and tender moment and one that I'll never forget. They had difficulty leaving- it's really tough to take your eyes off of her amazing face, especially when she's smiling, cooing, and puckering up those tiny little lips. 
• The PICC team came in a little later to look around for a good vein to start her line. Just that process got Emma really riled up and upset. She cried and fussed and was not a fan of being stroked with an alcohol pad while her arm was held down. The one nurse asked if the doctor had ordered sedation, which he didn't, so Emma's nurse called to ask. The doctor said he'd write an order if they needed it. After they were done looking at her, we did her hands-on. She put her arms down by her side and balled up her hands into fists when the nurse was trying to get her belly measurement (which she doesn't like for some reason). It was sadly cute- she looked like she was so angry! She was then put in an isolette again so she was nice and toasty for the procedure- when she was unwrapped and undressed for them to find a vein, she got a little cold and they had trouble finding a good vein. One of the PICC team nurses said the night shift would have to do it because Emma needed time to warm up- apparently her small veins dilated and her big ones receded since she was cold, and they didn't want to risk putting it in the wrong vein. Also, I found out that Emma's nurse suggested the PICC line because they had to attempt her IV line seven times during the day, ending in putting it in her head. So there she sat in her isolette, which was reminiscent of days past. Her nurse (my absolute favorite daytime nurse. She's awesome) and I stood on either side of the isolette and talked a little bit, when the nurse noticed a loop suddenly forming on her belly. It's basically when you can see the outline of part of her intestines through her skin because the intestine becomes full or distended. Just as she was pointing it out, Emma had a brady. And then her breathing became labored. We both just stood there in silence staring at her for a few minutes... the nurse then told me that we both needed to walk away so our anxiety didn't rise. She called the doctor and I went to lie down, but I became very emotional. In fact, I was fighting back tears for most of the afternoon after the PICC team came in.
• The doctor came to check her out and said she looked alright- her belly was still soft and her oxygen sat was good despite her slightly labored breathing. He said they'd be repeating her belly x-ray tomorrow morning.
• Hubby came later and we had dinner together, but not before he gave me a huge hug in the hallway of the hospital where we met up. I needed a hug from him all day, so I was so relieved to finally get one. We went up to the room after eating and I helped with the 8:00 hands-on. She's at least peeing well and each diaper has a little smear of poop on it. So I guess she's just a slow pooper? Great- I'll have lots of diapers to change! Neither of us got to hold her because the PICC team was supposed to come in soon. Hubby started to get uneasy about the procedure, as did I. We hung out for a little while and hubby sat and stared at her while I pumped behind the curtain. 
• As we neared our home, I broke down again. I had also had a breakdown after her brady event. It's just difficult to see her have such a setback, on top of the fact that she just seemed to be so bothered and in so much pain from her gassy belly all day. She was tensing up in my arms and kept arching her back and squirming when I put her back into her crib. When we got home, I lost it even more as hubby wrapped his arms around me and told me that everything is going to be ok. He held me while I sobbed... I just feel so awful leaving her there. I want to be by her side 24/7 and technically I could... so I feel even worse coming home. Especially when I knew they were going to do a procedure on her that would hurt her. I should have been there to console her afterward... ugh. I shouldn't have left tonight. She needed me... I just don't want her there anymore! I don't want her to be alone and surrounded by sterile equipment and nurses while alarms go off and people come in and out. I know how awful it was for me to be in the hospital- she's defenseless and doesn't understand. What a horrible way to start your life... I'm so torn and heartbroken. 
• To make my emotional matters worse, I called earlier to find out how her PICC procedure went, only to find out that she screamed and flailed the whole time. They were in there for about an hour and I'm not sure how much of that time was used to attempt the line or how far they went in attempting. But they couldn't get it, so they decided to wait until tomorrow when an order can be put in to sedate her and then they'll try again. So of course, I lost it again. Just the thought of my baby screaming and crying... and I wasn't here to make her feel better. If I was there, I could have held her to console her after they were done. But instead, she was just put back in her box. I'm sure the nurse consoled her, but it's not the same. I feel so guilty! My poor baby girl... she doesn't deserve this!
• I was told by the night shift nurse the other night that they have an over abundance of milk for her, so I'm not supposed to bring any more in until they tell me to. So I felt like I would be able to pump and dump once or twice, so hubby bought a bottle of wine yesterday. I had one glass last night, but felt like I was going to fall asleep while standing from getting so little sleep the night before. So I figured I would have another glass tonight to see if it would help calm my nerves about everything that has happened today.
• *sigh* This is how I felt while I was in the hospital- I had my game face on most of the time and tried to grab the situation by the horns. But being human, I had moments when the reality of the situation would sink in and I would break down. So despite being in a bad head space today and having great difficulty coping with everything, I know I'll bounce back and continue to move forward with my eyes on the prize of having my baby home with me. I have to... there's no other way to make it through.
• Tomorrow we're heading to Babies R Us to take advantage of their big sale and buy the rest (well most of it) of the stuff we need for Emma. I ordered her car seat, stroller, and extra car seat base from Amazon last night, so it'll come in on Tuesday. Yay baby stuff!

Here's Emma sound asleep in my arms:

 And here's her board from today: