So Long CPAP!

There's something in the NICU world known as "wimpy white boy syndrome." It refers to the fact that Caucasian males seem to have more difficulty overall as preemies. Emma is the exact opposite... I like to think she has "warrior princess syndrome."

Where to begin?!

I'm so proud of my little Emma bear. She's so tough and feisty and I just know that she's going to do well through all of this. While on bedrest, I had many moments of sheer terror because I was so worried about the possibility of her not making it through this ordeal, either in my belly or after she was born. But I'm so proud- she stayed in my belly for four weeks after my preterm labor started and I know my womb wasn't the most welcoming place for her since I was contracting all the time. 

When we saw her yesterday afternoon, we noticed that there was a little cloth over her face. Emma's nurse was on her break and the covering nurse said she wasn't sure why the cloth was there but didn't think it needed to be, so she removed it. When our nurse returned, she said she had used the cloth to hold down Emma's arms because she kept yanking her CPAP mask off of her face and the feeding tube out of her mouth. That's my girl! I think she was telling them that she was done with her CPAP and didn't need it anymore... 

The neonatologist came up to my room this morning to give us Emma's overnight update. He said she had another stable night, but still had a few incidents of brady's (where her heartrate drops... hereafter known as B's. and A's are for apnea) and was given more caffeine. He said she would be taken off the CPAP and placed on a nasal cannula within about a half hour of when he met with us, and that they could pump up the flow on the cannula if needed so she hopefully wouldn't have to return to the CPAP. She had also been fed what little of my breastmilk I had produced and tolerated it well. She did become jaundiced, so she was on the bilirubin light. I know that's typical for preemies and even common in full term babies, so I wasn't worried about it. Hubby was a little more upset about it, which I understand because it seems like a step backwards. But it's to be expected and it's not really a big issue at this point. So overall, it was another good night for my little fighter!

My OB came in shortly thereafter, and the one who delivered Emma was on call today. It was good to see her... she again congratulated me on making it through everything and getting another four weeks out of my pregnancy. She enthusiastically told me again that she was proud of me. And again joked around about telling my husband that he would have about 5 hours to get to me when I went into labor. She then told me that I could be discharged today and she would write up the orders so I could go home. I'm supposed to rest for two weeks, and slowly resume light activity for the two following weeks. At six weeks, she wants me to begin working out... after being on bedrest for four weeks, she wants to make sure I can get into a more active lifestyle so I don't sink into being sedentary. She said she doesn't want my body to get used to low levels of activity and I agree completely! But it's going to be a long and tough journey to not only get used to being a new mom, but to recover from bedrest and having such low muscle tone.

Speaking of low muscle tone, I was discharged pretty quickly as they were low on rooms and I was so ready to not be chained to a room. We packed everything up, loaded up the car, and the "fun" began: we had to go to the vital statistics office in the hospital to get her birth certificate, then we ate lunch and had to go rent a breast pump. The lady in that office was so chatty that a 15 minute process took so much longer. It felt like hours... she was nice, but I certainly did not need to know about all of her children, her deliveries, the cruise she went on last year and the one she's going on this year, what her husband wore for a Halloween contest, that one of her kids is moving out... that's no exaggeration. Those are literally some parts of the conversation. Some. Then the phone rang. I've never been so happy for a phone to ring. We just couldn't get out of that place! She just kept talking and talking and there was never a good point to segue into us walking out the door. If I hadn't had a baby two days ago, I would have just bolted out the door. lol We then went to the NICU and I was so sore from all of that walking. In the last month, I've walked only short distances and stood for short periods of time so it was quite a shock to my body that I was suddenly trekking from one end of the hospital to the other and back again. Oh, and did I mention that we left the paperwork for her birth certificate in the car? So I had to walk all the way back to the car to get it while hubby got a coffee. My poor feet! And my back is slowly trying to shift back into a different position now that I'm not carrying around all of that extra weight in my belly so it was killing me by the time we made it to Emma's room.

We finally got to Emma's room after what felt like three years. And SURPRISE! Not only was she off the CPAP, but there was no nasal cannula in sight! She was breathing all on her own with absolutely no assistance! We finally got to see her cute little button nose, although the top half of her face was now covered with her "hater blockers" AKA the eye cover to protect her from the bright bilirubin light. They're also referred to as her "too cool for school shades." Her nurse today was apparently relatively new but seemed quite knowledgeable and was very friendly. I appreciated that he asked for second opinions from other nurses on some things if he wasn't sure and I felt like he was competent despite being new. It also made me feel good because I imagine they're only assigning him to the healthier and more stable babies while he's still new. He said there was an order for kangaroo care, in which I hold Emma against my bare chest, and he thought it was a good idea to do it today. I told him I really wanted to hold her, but only if it would be good for her. If she needed to rest, it could happen another time. He assured me that both of us would greatly benefit from kangaroo-ing (yep, it's now a verb) and encouraged me to do it. While I was pumping, hubby noticed that Emma's little tummy was quite distended, which the nurse pointed out when we arrived and told us that it wasn't because of anything bad. The nurse drew out Emma's stomach contents and there was 6mL of substance in her belly. The nurse said it was likely just residual milk from her feeds, but hubby pointed out that I had only given about 5mL of breast milk total. The nurse then said there could have been mucus mixed in, so he called another nurse to look at it. She told him to discard it instead of putting it back in her tummy. The neonatologist came in shortly thereafter and checked her out and said she seemed to be just fine and it was probably some residual from feeds. She's obviously not blocked up because she had stool in her little (and I mean little) diaper. The nurse then asked if I wanted to change her diaper, but then offered to let me watch him do it if I preferred. I was way too scared to just jump in and do it with that mess of wires and tubes coming off of her and out of her bellybutton... so he showed me how to change her diaper. Interestingly, it's absolutely no different than changing a regular newborn's diaper, you just have to be mindful of the gadgets and gizmos. I don't really know what I was expecting it to be like, but at least it's not anything beyond what I'm already used to!

The nurse then started doubting himself about the kangaroo care because she still has a line in her umbilical artery. Since it's in an artery, she could bleed profusely if it gets dislodged or pulled out. He asked around and told me we could still do it, but then another nurse spoke with him in the hallway and he came back and told me that it should probably wait until that line is removed. I had already changed into my button-up kangaroo shirt by that point. The nurse apologized repeatedly and both hubby and I told him that it's fine- we are really way more concerned about what is best for Emma, not what makes us feel good. I went into the bathroom to change into my regular clothes, and burst out into tears. It was just so heartwrenching to realize that I can't hold my own baby yet. I can't hold her whenever I want, I can't comfort her when she's upset... the nurse pricked her heel for a blood glucose test before the diaper change and she wailed! It was good to hear her cry so loud because that's a good sign that her lungs are relatively strong. But I couldn't handle it- I almost started crying. I jumped up and stood next to her isolette and asked if I could hold her hand and was told I could. But that's all I can do for her when she cries- I can't hold her in my arms so she knows I'm here and that everything will be ok. Luckily she calmed down quickly, but I was still so upset. So anyways... I was really upset while changing out of my k-care shirt but reminded myself that this too shall pass. Hopefully her umbilical line will come out within the next couple of days.

The nurse then told us that he would turn off her light and take off her eye cover so we could see her whole face. She's even more beautiful than I remember from the day she was born... I'm so in love with her! We got some pictures of her little face... she has some really dark hair on her head! I can't tell if she has light or dark eyes because she doesn't open them much and when she does, it's only for a split second and she doesn't open them wide. Then the best part- the nurse said he could take the top off of her isolette for a few minutes if we wanted to give her kisses. My heart skipped a beat- could I really be able to give her a kiss for the first time?! And that's precisely what happened... hubby got the whole thing on video. She made some little noises when I kissed her, although I think she may have just been cold. But it was an amazing feeling and I kissed her forehead about four times... then hubby leaned in for a little peck on the forehead too. I was doing a serious happy dance on the inside. The feeling was indescribable.

So then I came home! I was in so much pain and was completely exhausted by the time we got here. We settled in a little and I pumped, then took a nap while hubby went to get the puppy. Before I fell asleep, I broke down. This just doesn't feel right... I thought I'd be so happy to be home, but it's not right. My baby isn't with me. The last time I was home, she was in my belly and now she's an hour away in a plastic box with tubes and wires all over her. I cried myself to sleep. After I got up, I broke down again and hubby comforted me the best her could... I was just exhausted, emotional, and dealing with a lot of pain. I'm feeling better now though. It's very tough and these crazy hormones just magnify all of these emotions I'm feeling. So my night has consisted of settling in and pumping. Because she was so early, I'm barely producing anything at all. In fact, most times I don't get anything from pumping and I practically jumped for joy after getting 2mL tonight. But I've been assured that my milk will come in and this is totally normal. So onwards I go... just me and my pump. lol

So here are some pictures:

These first ones are from yesterday, 7/10:

^She was done having her picture taken on this last one. The light that helps the camera focus was bothering her and she kicked her feet out to let us know she was annoyed. 

And here are some pictures from today:

 Getting a tan!

 Below is her isolette

And here is her precious little face!

 We're going to have to photoshop out the glare, but isn't she amazing?!

Her head is so tiny! Don't be fooled by these pictures- I have literally have child-sized hands.

Alright, time to go to bed. I have to be up in two hours to pump. Yay!!!