Free Me Freesia

I could really go for a nice, thick, juicy steak. Or some chorizo... mmmmm. Which is unusual, since I've really felt unimpressed with food for the last couple of weeks. Not even just unimpressed with the hospital food, but unimpressed with food in general, despite the fact that I still have an adequate appetite. When we went on our "babymoon" to Orlando for Memorial day this year, we ate dinner at the Mexican restaurant in Epcot and had the most delicious chorizo I've ever had in my life and have been craving it since. And of course, we had just bought some from Publix the weekend before I was admitted to the hospital as I had intended to make some chorizo with yellow rice for dinner one night. UGH! If only we had it for dinner before I was imprisoned!
I had a few amazing moments last night... time to embarrass hubby ;) He arrived last night in his firefighter uniform (the whole collared shirt, work pants, and boots getup) with pizza in hand and a smile on his face. I knew he was bringing the pizza but forgot that he was coming straight from work and would therefore show up in his uniform. It was the best moment of my life. lol. So we ate dinner together and later watched "America's Got Talent." I've been dying for some warm, familiar human contact so I laid next to him and cuddled with him for a little bit. It's an indescribable feeling- after three weeks of being mostly alone and having all sorts of different nurses and techs touching my belly, checking my reflexes, flexing my feet to check for blood clots, taking my blood pressure, sticking a thermometer in my mouth, etc., it's very very very nice to be able to cuddle, feel, and smell someone familiar. At one point I took a deep breath into his shoulder just to absorb the smell of home and husband, which prompted him to do an armpit check as he thought I was indicating that he smelled bad. Ha... little did he know how wonderful he smelled to me. If it wasn't for this massive belly, I would have curled up in his lap with my head on his shoulder like I used to do when I needed comfort- it's the advantage of being small. This morning, we went downstairs to the coffee shop and I got a mango smoothie and a pastry and we both had our breakfast in the cafeteria. It was a welcomed change of scenery. We then went into the garden for a few minutes so I could soak up some sun again :)
Monitoring went well again last night, this morning, and tonight. The OB did her rounds while we were on our breakfast adventure but spotted us on our way back to my room and followed us in to meet with us. She scared me because she said I had one contraction on the monitor last night that I felt but 6 that I didn't... I was way confused. The RN later said that the OB must have confused me with someone else because that wasn't the case. Whew! We later met with the specialist (hereby referred to as the MFM- maternal and fetal medicine). It happened to be one of the two that I happen to think are some of the best doctors I've ever encountered in my life, and I'll add that I think my primary care doctor is absolutely fantastic and I have a high standard for doctors. Anyways, the MFM pulled up a chair next to my bed and asked what questions I had. I asked him if he saw the results of my 24 hour urine and knew that my contractions have slowed down, and he said he did and was very pleased. I then asked if I could go home, and he said no. Somewhat surprisingly, I felt my heart sink and had the sensation that I could begin to cry at any moment. I held it together though; I hate crying in front of people. He reminded me that pre-e is a progressive disease and is very dangerous. The game plan remains the same- continue my imprisonment until delivery. I should have an ultrasound on Thursday to see how much she's grown and we'll do another 24 hour urine at the end of the week to see how that's going.
I didn't think I'd break down, but I did. As soon as the MFM left, I started to cry from sheer disappointment because I guess I let myself get my hopes up from the recent good news. Before I begin whining, let me just say that I completely understand how much worse things could be and that there are so many people who are much worse off. I get that. 100%. And I'm not trying to say that my struggle is any worse than anyone else's. But it's the hand I've been dealt and it's not always easy to cope with. Anyways: I'm glad I had hubby here to comfort me, but I was pretty bummed for the rest of the day. I started thinking about the fact that I've been here for three weeks already and that it could be well more than another three weeks before I leave. And to top it off, life as I know it will never be the same- I can't go back and have a few more days of my former life before we transition into parenthood. From what I understand, it can be quite trying to recover from hospital bed rest, especially while trying to adjust to having a new baby at home or in the NICU. I can already feel the effects on my body- the furthest I've walked in the last three weeks has been from a wheelchair outside of a doorway into my room/the ultrasound room. It was relatively difficult to stand on one leg long enough to prop up my other leg on the shower chair and shave the bottom half of it. So I'm going to have some physical challenges to handle as my body resumes normal activity after weeks of being on bedrest. Who would have thought that lying in bed and doing mostly nothing all day for weeks on end would be so mentally and physically difficult?
I just want to go home.
What I need to do, though, is stop trying to ask why and stop trying to decide if I really should still be here or not. It's not my call... and the ultimate goal is a healthy Emma. I must remember that. And I also have to remember that I have to take this one day at a time- I get entirely too overwhelmed when I think about the possibility of having another 3, 4, 5, or however many weeks ahead of me in this place. Ironically, the shampoo and conditioner that came with the care bag from High Risk Hope is called "Free Me Freesia." Very appropriate.
Emma has been doing well though... she's such a feisty, crazy baby! She spent all day pounding on my bladder, hiccuping, and jumping all around. It's not very comfortable, but I'm soaking up every minute of this experience. It makes me sad sometimes to think that my one and only pregnancy will soon come to an end, but then I think of all of the exciting things that come with mommyhood and I realize that the pregnancy, while special, is nothing compared to how I'll feel with my little sweet pea in my arms.