NICU Mom Guilt

I wish I could come up with an amusing opening for this post, but the witty part of my brain has shut down to conserve energy for the more vital functions of my brain like, say, ensuring that I'm breathing and that my heart is beating. That is to say, I'm exhausted.
I'll do my best to keep this post from being overly dramatic and emotional, but I really have had a rough night. The NICU mom guilt comes out of nowhere and with no warning and slaps me in the face when I least expect it. Tonight being one of those times. Mix that with the post partum emotions and we have a recipe for lots of tears and inner conflict. I'm trying to ride it out... I'll be a little candid here because, while this blog serves the wonderful purpose of keeping my friends and family updated on Emma's progress, it also has two other key purposes: helping me sort everything out, and giving me something to reflect back upon down the road when all of this is just a memory. So I don't want to leave out these bits of the journey because, well, they are a part of this crazy roller coaster of NICU life and I surely can't pretend that I'm just making my way through with an upbeat attitude at all times. I'm human. Sometimes I'm strong, other times I'm weak, and since I'm female, many times I cry. So I guess this post in conjunction with my most recent post just goes to show how my emotions can fluctuate so dramatically day to day. I'm still choosing happiness- I'm still so grateful for my baby and staying away from feeling like a victim. But this guilt thing is in a league of its own.
So about the "NICU mom guilt." I did a quick interweb search and realized that this is a real thing felt by many, if not most, NICU moms regardless of why their baby is in the NICU or how long their stay is/was. Although the guilt comes in many forms and because of many things, it still feels absolutely awful. My guilt is for her even being there. Alright, alright... I know... there was nothing more I could do and I had no control over my body and my malfunctioning uterus (ugh, I've really grown to resent that particular organ for a multitude reasons). But it doesn't make me feel any less awful for the fact that I couldn't keep her safe in the safest place she could be. I said many times during my pregnancy that I wished I could keep her in my belly forever because I knew she was safe and all of her needs were being met. And now she lies in a box with wires all over her. The biggest part of my guilt- and the part that stings the most- is for her being there alone right now. Or being there alone ever. It didn't hit me until now, which probably has to do with the fact that I stayed with her last night. I've always felt bad leaving, but now I feel beyond bad... I feel... I don't know. Sick over it, I guess. Like a really bad mommy for leaving my baby so I can come home. It doesn't feel right to sit down for dinner, do the laundry, take a nap... knowing that she's there without me. And knowing that I am fully able to be with her 24/7.
That's the struggle- I've been encouraged by all of the nurses and the social worker to be at home when I can and get some rest because it's not good or healthy to stay with her 24/7. I have to take care of myself- something that I've not always been good at. But after being with her last night, I just don't feel right about this anymore. It seems like every night I'm there, she needs me. Now that she's not in her isolette anymore, I can comfort her when she's upset and hold her when she needs it. She was slightly fussy last night about 30-60 minutes before her hands on/feeding time and it makes me sad to think that she's probably like that tonight and there's no one there to comfort her. I know the nurses comfort the babies at times, but usually only if they are crying. And she wasn't crying- but she was awake, squirming, and fussing.
I'm trying my best to strike some kind of balance and to commit to staying overnight every other night. If I was able to get some kind of sleep there, I would stay overnight every night. But I have to wake up a half hour before hands-on time so I can pump and clean the pump parts before it's time to change her diaper, take her temperature, let the nurse do her assessment, and then feed her. And now that she's being bottle fed, feeding her means actually feeding her like she's a real baby which takes a lot more time and effort than hooking up a syringe of formula or breast milk to a pump and having it systematically pump said liquid into her tummy through her NG tube. Not that I'm at all complaining about her being bottle fed, because I love the bonding time with her (another reason why I feel so guilty not being there!) and I'm so glad she's getting closer to coming home, but the process takes much longer than it used to. So by the time all is said and done, I have about an hour and a half before it's time to get up and do it all over again. Now, I know that all of the moms reading this are thinking "yep, that's exactly what it'll be like when she comes home too!" I get that. Message received. But at home, I don't have to struggle to fall asleep on a rock-solid "bed" that's small even for my petite frame to sleep on while alarms are going off and there's talking and commotion in the hallway. Oh, and my only privacy comes from a curtain, because there's a large picture window at the front of the room and the door is mostly glass. So the room is far from dark. Emma also has a tendency to breathe very slowly at times or shallow enough that the monitor registers her breaths as being very slow, so her alarm will go off. Which obviously jars me from any sleep I may get because her alarm sounds the same for slow breathing or for a brady. If she alarms for her breathing, it's not a big deal because her oxygen sat level never goes down and her heart rate stays up so the nurses never even come into the room about it. But it still wakes me up. So generally, I'm lucky to accumulate about 2 1/2 to 3 hours of sleep while I'm there. It's exhausting. So I'm finding it difficult to weigh out the benefits and drawbacks of staying every night- is it that much better for her that it's worth the super lack of sleep for me? Or is it that much better for both of us if I'm rested so that I'm ready to be supermom when she comes home? Hmph. This isn't easy.
Alright, enough of the Eeyore stuff. Update time!

• Emma is a little show-off with her bottle. Babies are typically supposed to be able to start coordinating the suck/swallow/breathe reflex around 34 weeks, and she was 34 weeks as of two days ago. Since her first bottle feed yesterday, she's had no issues coordinating all of that. In fact, she's been taking her full bottle of formula- up to 25mL's (which is 5mL's shy of 1oz)- in about five minutes since last night. This morning, she tuckered out early and only took about 10mL's and dribbled most of what she sucked out. But she had been awake for an hour prior and feverishly sucking on her pacifier during that time, so I figured she would be too tired to take the full bottle. But she tried! I'm very proud of her :) She hasn't had to practice her suck/swallow/breathe at all, she got it down-pat from the beginning!
• Even on the Elecare, which is the gentlest formula around, she's starting to have some issues. She has spit up a few times but seems to be making some progress with that whole situation. I know that spitting up is typical and she doesn't seem to be doing it to an excess. But she's having residuals, which isn't great. After three hours, she had only digested about 19mL's of her 25mL feed from 5pm. I know that's most of her feed, but she really should be digesting all of it in that amount of time. That makes me somewhat more comfortable with the fact that she may not be intolerant of my breast milk after all, but I'm worried that her tummy is still very immature and needs much more time in order to work properly, all of which will keep her in the NICU longer. I just want her healthy and at home. And the digestion issues are the only things holding her back now. 
• She's off the caffeine and seems to be doing just fine without it now. They had been giving it to her for her brady's, but the doctor thinks she's grown out of the brady's now so she had her last dose yesterday morning. No more morning cup of joe for her! 
• The night shift nurse from last night told me the best story ever. She said she came to check on Emma the night before, only to find that Emma had ripped her NG tube out of her nose and had a hold of it with both hands- one on either side of her mouth- and was gnawing on it. Yep- she was literally chewing on her feeding tube that she removed from her nose. The nurse said that she has been a NICU nurse for five years and has never seen anything like it. That's my girl! She'll have a good sense of humor just like mommy and daddy :)
• The nurse also gave me some glimmers of hope... she said that Emma could go home in a few days if she continued to do so well with her bottle feeds. I reminded her that the doctor wants her to try the breast milk again, and she said that would only add on a day or two to her stay if it went well. Obviously I don't think she'll be coming home in a few days because she seems to be starting to have issues digesting her formula and if it continues, they'll have to stop increasing her feeds until she tolerates what she's getting now. But she's about 15mL's away from full feeds and they are increasing her by 5mL's twice per day. So if they don't have to stop increasing her feeds, then she should be up to full feeds in about a day and a half, so they will probably start the breast milk in two days. But that's only if things go exceptionally well. But miracles do happen! She's living proof!
• The last of her cord came off last night- Emma officially has a belly button! And what a coincidence- mommy officially has her belly button back! Lol. 
• My dairy cow status has been elevated. One nurse told me that most of the moms on the floor would be jealous if they saw my stash of milk in the freezer. I was originally told not to bring what I pump at home but that they would keep what I pump while I'm there. Well now I can't leave them anything, and they would like for me to take some home because I have four bins full of milk. I don't know how big the bins are, but apparently I'm monopolizing the space in the freezer. The day shift nurse today told me that I have enough stored there to feed the whole floor for a week. Clearly a hyperbole, but all of these statements boost my milk ego just a little more each time ;) And I have two gallon-sized Ziploc bags in my own freezer that are full of stored milk... I believe the time is drawing near for us to invest in a chest freezer to put in the garage. Oh the irony of a chest freezer to store my breast milk in. Hardy har har...

By now you can probably predict that it's picture time!

 Big yawn! (it's difficult to get a non-blurry picture of a squirmy baby with my phone)

 Ugh, another blurry picture. But this is the face she makes when she's done with her bottle and doesn't want it back- I don't think the jaws of life could even open up this mouth. 

 Showing off her pretty onesie.

 Kissy face :)

Aaaaaaaannnnnnnddddd she's out.