There Can be Miracles: Choosing Happiness

Wanna know something awesome? Right now, there is a sweet, tiny little baby sleeping about ten feet away from me. And this particular baby was created out of love, not lust. I've been thinking about this a lot lately... about how amazing it is to have this child in my life because my husband and I love each other so much and wanted to bring a baby into this world to share our love with and raise together. She is here not because of a drunken night or as the result of an impulse, but because our hearts were so full of love that they started to overflow and we needed another vessel for the rest of it. And that's our baby Emma! I feel such an intense love for her like I've never felt before because she's not only my child, but she's my husband's child too. And she looks a lot like him! Alright... sorry for all the mush. Silly hormones!!
Now for the important part, the Emma update... in typical bulleted form!!

The doctor called early this morning but with a great report! Emma continued to tolerate her feeds and has done excellent- her belly is still small and soft and she seems to be happy and comfortable. Her head ultrasound was unremarkable- no brain bleeds! Woohoo! She was also ready to be transitioned into a crib again and would hopefully start to be transitioned to breast milk when she's up to full feeds of her special formula- which will happen by the end of the week if all continues to go well. He did mention something about seeing if she has issues with the lactose in the breast milk... I reeeeaaaaaallllllyyyyy hope she isn't intolerant of breastmilk! I know that formula feeding isn't the worst thing in the world, but I don't want her to have to be on formula, especially since I have about two gallons (probably an exaggeration, but maybe not!) of frozen breast milk just waiting to be eaten by her. So we'll see how that goes. She's also being weaned off of caffeine- today was her last day of being "jacked up on dew" as hubby and I say. Her heart rate has been good with very few brady's, so the doctor felt she has grown out of it and didn't need the caffeine any more. She's also continued to breathe just fine. I asked if he thought it was just a coincidence that she stopped tolerating feeds when she was moved into the crib, and cited what the other doctor had previously said about waiting for her to tolerate full feeds before taking her out of the isolette. The doctor told me that it was just a coincidence and that the other doctor just didn't want her to burn extra calories trying to keep herself warm at that point. Now that she's 34 weeks and over 2kg, she doesn't need the isolette anymore and she was only put back in there because of her tummy issues.
So at this point, she just needs to eat- we have to figure out if she can tolerate the breast milk or if she'll need to be on formula, and she also has to take all of her feeds from the bottle/breast. And that's it! Her weight is good, she stools/pees well, she's gaining weight steadily, her brady's have tapered off, no more caffeine, she's been breathing just fine without assistance for a while now, and she has no issues regulating her temperature on her own (she's back on room temp air. She's still in an isolette instead of a crib, but the heater isn't on and the top stays open. The nurse says it's better because they can turn on the heater during bath time and it has a built in scale. She'll stay in it until the second floor needs it, at which point she'll go back in her crib)... she's doing so well!! She was given her first two bottles this morning and took to them very well, so I was able to bottle feed her this afternoon. She easily sucked down 9mL's in a flash! And then she got sleepy and went into an EleCare coma with the bottle in her mouth... daddy fed her at 5pm and she got about 8mL's down before she apparently got bored. Actually, I think she was so preoccupied with staring into her daddy's eyes that she forgot what she was doing. She then zonked out and slept with her mouth open again. So stinkin' cute!
I'm trying not to get too excited about her coming home soon, but it feels like we're headed down the right path now. I had read and heard about 34 weeks being the "magic" week when things start to work better and babies are able to master things like the suck/swallow/breathe concept. And it seems to hold true for my Emma! She has made great strides and her parents are more than proud of her :)
Have I ever mentioned that I love my daughter? Because I do. SO. Much. I just feel so blessed, which is interesting after everything that has happened... I guess it would be easy to feel cursed and play the victim after having struggled with infertility, being hospitalized for 4 weeks, and then having a 32wk preemie that's been in the NICU. But that 32wk 4 pound preemie is the biggest blessing in my life and has brought so much happiness for me and my family. And she has also brought hubby and I closer, which I didn't even think was possible since we were so close and so happy before we had her. We grow closer through adversity instead of adversity ripping us apart... it's nice to have someone like him by my side. So instead of crying "why me?!" I'm choosing happiness. I'm choosing to be grateful for my beautiful NICU baby, wires and all. Because she will come home one day and I can watch her grow in amazement, sans the isolette, alarms, and PICC line.
I told hubby that it's a shame that we're only having one baby because we apparently make cute babies! People still try to tell me that I'll probably cave and get pregnant again, and that I'll want another baby down the road. Obviously I'll want another but... I'm not doing this again. We were so lucky this time that she stayed in the oven until 32 weeks, because if she had been born at 28, things would have been so much worse. And I know that next time, they'll be extra cautious and put in a cerclage and have me on bed rest early... I can handle that. What I can't handle is the guilt I would feel if I had another preemie, especially if that baby were even earlier than Emma was. Or the guilt I would feel if something even worse happened and that baby didn't survive or really struggled. My body just doesn't handle pregnancy very well and it would be very selfish of me to try to have another baby. Okay, future Kelly? So if you're reading this and thinking at all about having another baby, DON'T DO IT! lol

Is it picture time? It is!!!