I had some of those breathtaking moments today- I got to hold my baby girl for the first time ever! Gosh, I feel like crying just thinking about it now... I can't even begin to describe how I felt, but it was almost like my heart was going to explode from an overload of joy and love.
So here's what has transpired since last night:
- My transitional milk came in last night! I was getting so frustrated and discouraged from pumping colostrum and only getting a few tiny drops (or nothing at all) each time. I knew it was normal so I wasn't worried, but it was making me upset that I couldn't give enough to feed her and that they would have to start giving her some formula soon. She has been on an IV drip of nutrients but is ready and old enough to start taking feeds of breastmilk or formula through her tube. So the fact that I couldn't produce enough to feed her was heartbreaking for me. But as the night went on last night, I was able to get more and more from each pumping session and I was so relieved! I had gone from celebrating from producing 2mL to producing 5mL's each time. Baby steps, but I'm headed in the right direction. You know when you have those moments when you realize just how much your life has changed? Yea... suddenly I'm celebrating about how much breast milk I can pump in the middle of the night. Things are so exciting now.
- So my first night home was alright... each time my alarm went off to pump, I felt like I could barely get out of bed because I'm just so worn out. Physically and emotionally. Yet I managed to stay organized with my routine and somehow I got stuff done today. I was able to contact AFLAC to request the paperwork for Emma to be added onto my plan and was pleased to find out that her monthly premium is much less than I had anticipated. I also scheduled my follow up appointment with the OB for next week and picked up a copy of my hospital records to submit for my AFLAC claim. We went and spent time with Emma, then went to Buy Buy Baby and picked up the last piece of furniture (her night stand) along with some pumping supplies and a blanket for her isolette. I also got some things tidied up around the house. AND- I felt like a big kid today as I finally put on some real clothes that are not sweatpants/yoga pants/basketball shorts and a cami/tank top/t-shirt.
- I also put on makeup for the first time in four weeks! It was also quite lovely to take a shower in my own bathroom and sleep in my own bed. With my husband next to me and my puppy at my feet, just like I longed for during those four weeks in my "studio apartment in the city." I went to bed after hubby because I was finishing my blog post (until after 1am! but I had to finish, it's my way of processing my day) and just sank into the foam and felt so relaxed and wonderful. Hubby then rolled over and put his arm around me and gave me the most wonderful, warm, loving hug ever and we snuggled like that for a little bit. He told me he was so glad I'm home. He gave me a similar hug when I came back to bed after my middle-of-the-night pumping session (is session the right word? It doesn't sound like it to me) and then we held hands while we both drifted back to sleep. It makes me even more anxious for Emma to come home and complete our little family and be surrounded by all of the love that this house holds.
- The neonatologist called this morning. I'm not quite sure if he's going to call every morning to update us, but it was nice to hear from him. He said she had another "comfortable" night and nothing had really changed. She still has some episodes of brady's but nothing worse than what she has been having. My mom pointed out to me today that she had those episodes in utero too. Otherwise, her bilirubin levels have stayed stable and she's still doing well breathing on her own. They peformed an echocardiogram on her yesterday which showed that she has a patent foramen ovale, which is a hole in her heart that is supposed to close shortly after birth. It's not all that uncommon and isn't serious- she'll be checked again in a few weeks to see if it closes on its own, which it should. The doctor also let me know that her umbilical artery line would be taken out today. He said that she would start receiving formula supplementation since I wasn't producing enough milk to feed her, at which point I proudly announced that my transitional milk came in and I was finally producing more. I told him we'd bring it with us when we came to visit in a few hours, and he said he would make sure that the nurse didn't give Emma any formula. I'm so relieved that we've passed the first 48 hours and she's still making progress. Preemies can be very unpredictable and things can change quickly, but so far she's doing so well.
- So we arrived at the NICU this afternoon and put down our bags and the nurse immediately came in and asked me if I wanted to hold her. Duh! Yes! In a flash, she was unhooking and untangling Emma so I grabbed my k-care shirt and changed in super speedy fashion. And before I knew it, my tiny little miracle was snuggled against my chest. She fussed a little at first, but then just sunk right in and seemed so content... she made little noises and wiggled just a bit here and there. Since she is on the bilirubin light, I could only hold her for a half hour but once she's off the light, I can hold her much more (as long as she tolerates it well). I knew that there was a chance that she wouldn't tolerate being held for long but I cherished every second of having her in my arms. I kissed her on the head over and over- after hubby wiped the chapstick off of my lips of course- and gently rested my cheek on top of her head. I told her repeatedly that I love her and I'm so proud of her. She grabbed my shirt with her teeny weeny little fingers and just rested there like a typical newborn would. Just a very tiny, fragile newborn. She started having some issues with her heart rate at first, so the nurse turned her head so she was looking towards my right side and this did the trick. So hubby knelt down on my right side to stare at her beautiful face, and Emma opened her eyes and looked around. Hubby softly spoke to her, and she kept opening her eyes and looking at him. It looked like he just melted. He laughed a little and took some pictures of her little eyes open...he said she also looked like she was trying to suckle as she had her mouth on my milk factory and was making a sucking motion. He said she was drooling all over me, which I thought was wonderful. I just love how much she's like a typical newborn. So there I sat, with my daughter in my arms and my husband by my side and I couldn't have been happier in that moment. I held her for about 20 minutes, at which time she started having difficulty breathing because she had sunken into a position where her head was falling forward a bit and compressing her trachea. So the alarms went off because her heart rate dropped again and the nurse changed her head position. But she started sounding funny when she was breathing, so the nurse said she should probably go back into her isolette... that was fine with me. My 20 minutes was amazing and I knew she was fine- she was just in a funky position. But I was a little scared to move her head- it's just so tiny and I didn't want to hurt her!
- I pumped right after holding her and got a decent amount that time. And tonight I got a whole 15mL's!!!!!! They said I may produce more milk after holding her, and they were right! We also put a little soft doll in her isolette with her (time for a shout out to my friend Tracey who sent it for Emma!) and bought a receiving blanket to put in her isolette that I'll sleep with tonight. That way it'll smell like me. And I'm also going to fill it with hundreds of kisses so she'll have enough to hold her over when we're not there :)
- They may try giving her a bottle next week or the week after to see where she is with her suck/swallow/breathe coordination. When she starts to get the hang of the bottle, we'll try breast feeding and I'm really looking forward to that day. I just really hope that she can learn to breast feed, which can be difficult for preemies. But even if she can't, I'll just remain married to this pump! lol.
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