What You Don't Expect When You're Expecting

Since the release of the movie, I'm sure most people are familiar with the whole "What to Expect When You're Expecting" thing. I never read the book myself as I opted for something more factual and scientific and purchased the Mayo Clinic book on pregnancy. As Emma's homecoming approached, I began freaking out about caring for a preemie at home, so I bought a book on preemies. On the back of that book, it mentions something about how the book discusses the things you don't expect when you're expecting... well, here's my list of what I didn't expect (welcome back, bullets!):

• Firstly, I didn't expect that, at age 24, I'd have such difficulty just getting pregnant in the first place.
• Going to the doctor for a routine appointment and ultrasound and being sent directly to the hospital after having a completely normal and uneventful pregnancy prior to that point.
• That I'd live in a hospital for a little more than four weeks, and spend another three weeks living between the hospital and home.
• I surely didn't expect to feel like my body was going to try to betray my dreams of having a family from the very beginning. From not being able to conceive to not being able to sustain a full-term pregnancy, I felt like I was in a battle against my own body.
• That my water would break with no warning while I felt just fine otherwise and the tests were showing that my issues were resolving. 
• To have set a new family record for fastest delivery. Growing up, my mom told me many times about how I was practically born in the car because her labor was so fast. By the time she got to the hospital and got into a room to be prepped, I was making my entrance into the world. I was the fastest labor of her three children... but I beat her record! 
• That my darling little angel would come flying into this world so fast that I would have to have completely natural labor (I still can't believe I did that!).
• To watch my tiny little baby be whisked away immediately to be worked on by a crowd of people in the corner of the room where I couldn't see her.
• That I would feel so helpless and conflicted as my baby spent three weeks in the hospital being poked, prodded, and hooked up to a whole bunch of wires and machines.
• That I would be so scared to bring my baby home for fear that something bad would happen to such a tiny, fragile little being.
• That I would watch her turn blue in my arms multiple times per day and have to try desperately to bring her back to consciousness.

I still feel sometimes like I'm waiting to wake up in my bed, still pregnant- and that all of this was some kind of crazy, drawn out dream. But it's not- it's the reality of my life now. I've always felt that everything happens for a reason and that we're only handed the things in life that we're capable of handling, whether we think we can or not. Yet I wonder how strong God thinks I am- this has been a whirlwind and I have plenty of moments of being emotionally and physically exhausted. But I'm still alive, so I guess I'm capable of handling it... I haven't died from exhaustion or fear yet! But this has been very trying... I can't wait until she's old enough that I can tell her how much of a fighter she has been and everything that we've gone through as a family.

Her bradys have returned, but I'm starting to see some patterns. She really has two kinds- one that results from a loss of coordination of suck/swallow/breathe and one that results from her choking. I can now start to identify when she loses her coordination and try to stop her before she loses consciousness. It doesn't always work, but at least I can try. It appears that, in both situations, the doctor was right- it would appear that her reflex is triggered in which her airway closes up to prevent anything from getting into her lungs, which prevents her from breathing and slows her heart rate to a near halt. Regardless, it's still terrifying and it feels like an eternity before she comes back around. Meanwhile, I'm trying to stay calm as I'm patting and rubbing her back as she turns blue. I just hope this doesn't last much longer. It's such a stressful situation, and I don't feel comfortable leaving her in anyone's care until this is resolved. Not only because my mommy instinct makes me terrified that something bad would happen in my absence (could someone else revive her if she brady'd?) but because I would hate to freak someone out that badly and put them in that situation. It's such a helpless and scary time.

Otherwise, things have been going alright. I'm so tired, though. It's tough to feel refreshed when you can only sleep in increments of about 1 1/2- 2 hours. And by the way- please don't call or text prior to 1pm. The only time I can get any kind of sleep is in the late morning and I usually don't get up until around 12:30 or 1pm. It's like being in college again, except I'm spending my nights pumping (UGH!) and feeding/changing/snuggling my baby instead of hanging out with friends and getting into college-kid shenanigans. 

Speaking of pumping... have I mentioned that I hate it? My friends who have had kids before me have told me about how difficult it is to breastfeed in the beginning and how they all wanted to give up at some point. I always kept that in the back of my mind because I wanted to breastfeed, so I wanted to be sure to prepare myself for the point when I wanted to give up. But no one tells you (maybe I should have included this in the bullets above) about how desperately you want to give up when your baby doesn't want to breastfeed and you have to pump to provide her with breast milk. So instead of waking up, changing her, breastfeeding, and everyone returning to bed, it ends up being waking up, changing her, preparing her bottle, feeding her, pumping, washing the pump parts, packaging up the milk to freeze, and then finally going back to bed. And repeat. At least every other feed is taken by hubby, so I can at least get up, pump, wash, package the milk, and go back to bed. But I really want to give up every night. I remember hitting a wall like this while she was still in the NICU and I was getting up to pump every night, so hopefully this too shall pass and I won't have such a difficult time with it after I get used to this. I hope.

Sheesh, I feel like such a Debbie Downer suddenly! I didn't intend to be so negative, but I guess that's just my headspace tonight. I really am glad to have her home and I'm slowly becoming more confident with my mommy skills. I'm also trying to spend more time with her, but it's tough when she just needs to sleep and eat. I did try to give her some tummy time this evening, but she was tired and thought it was just sleeping on her tummy time. lol. I just love her sweet little face though! 

Here's her 4 week picture. It's not very good, but it's not easy to get a picture of a wiggly, hungry baby who likes to instantly roll on her side when you lie her on her back. But we'll get better at taking these pictures!