Mommy Meltdowns

"Finding Nemo" was playing on the TV at the doctor's office today... "just keep swimming" was an appropriate mantra for last night.

I had the first of what will likely be many "mommy meltdowns" last night. As the evening wore on, she got progressively gassy and started to appear to be significantly bothered by it. This gave way to full-on despair. When I wrote my blog post last night, I predicted that it would be a long, tough night and I was correct. She went about five hours with very little sleep, despite me trying everything I could think of to soothe her. I bicycled her legs, held her upright, put her in her bouncy seat... the bouncy seat plus pacifier worked for a little bit, but she was still in obvious pain. She was sucking vigorously and breathing fast and would tense up and grunt. But at least she wasn't crying for a bit. But then she became upset again and I had to find something else. So I put her in her pack n play and dragged her swing down the hallway from her bedroom into the living room. Keep in mind that she's a plug-in baby, so it's a hassle to move her from room to room. The living room has become the baby room for now. Anyways, I struggled to set up the swing and figure out how to plug it into the wall, all the while she was fussing and crying from pain. I got her into the swing, only to find that I couldn't get the shoulder harness straps right. So I did the unthinkable- I only strapped the abdominal part of the harness and let her swing in it. Since she had never been in her swing before and she was only half-strapped in, I took up bunk on the couch. I know, I know... I'm an overly cautious first-time-mom. Obviously she wasn't going to just jump out of the swing if the shoulder straps weren't snapped. I get that. But there's this paranoia that sets in and I can't ignore it- especially not after everything we've been through. I'll work it out though ;)

So there I laid on the couch, hoping and praying (repeatedly) that my baby would calm down and wouldn't be in so much pain. The swing lulled her to sleep, but she still grunted and fussed every couple of minutes. But again, at least she wasn't crying or screaming. And just as I started to doze off... time to feed the baby!!!! My state of being at the time reminded me of a "Mythbusters" episode in which they tested the theory that driving while sleep deprived is just as dangerous as driving drunk. I think it turned out that driving while sleep deprived was even more dangerous than driving while slightly intoxicated... I completely understand that now. I stumbled into the kitchen to get her bottle ready. Thank God it was a formula feed, so there was less time involved in warming it up. We're using the stone-age method of warming bottles by using a cup filled with hot water, so we have to keep going back, shaking the bottle to distribute the warmth, check temperature, repeat until warm. And with breast milk straight from the refrigerator, this process takes much longer than it does with the room-temperature formula. So I made up her bottle, and managed to feed her. Poor thing was farting the whole time, but luckily didn't Brady. After this feed, she calmed down a bit and I put her to bed. She was calm enough that I was able to go lie back down in my own bed for a little bit and got some rest- I'd hesitate to call it sleep.

By the time her next feed rolled around, I woke up hubby since it was his turn to feed her, and I decided to stay in bed and skip pumping. OMG! Bad mommy. No, seriously... bad mommy! My supply has been dwindling since I'm not eating/sleeping/drinking enough and skipping a pumping session was not a good idea. But I was just too tired to get up. In fact, I had a mommy meltdown in the kitchen last night because I was on the brink of giving up with the whole pumping thing. I used to get four ounces in fifteen minutes (which was actually an oversupply) and now I'm lucky to get an ounce and a half, yet she eats two ounces or more per feeding right now. So I went from over supply to under supply. Awesome. So after pumping and barely getting an ounce, I was ready to throw my pumping parts into the trash and put up the white flag because this whole thing is getting ridiculous. But I pumped again about six hours after my super early morning pumping session, and unfortunately had to go another six hours between pumping sessions later in the day due to her doctor's appointment. As if my milk supply wasn't royally screwed up already, alas! It's now screwed up even more! I think... we'll see. I read something about "power pumping" sessions so I'm trying that now in the hopes that I can increase my supply without taking medications or herbal stuff. I read that the herbal stuff can cause gas in babies, and after last night, I'm not getting within ten feet of anything that may make her gassier. For. Real.

So I had a meltdown last night and sobbed while I fed her. Then I sobbed again in the kitchen after pumping and realizing how little milk I had produced. It was a rough night!

I called the doctor this morning to see if there was anything they suggested to help with her gas since we've tried gas drops and found out that they do absolutely nothing for intestinal gas, which is what she has. When the nurse called back later, she said we needed to come in since Emma's belly was distended, just to be safe. We were supposed to go in tomorrow morning at 8:30am for a weight check anyways, so we just went in one day early. The doctor was great and said that Emma is obviously very gassy but didn't seem to have any actual medical issues of concern, so we were relieved at that. The concern with preemies is an intestinal infection that kills the intestinal tissue and can be fatal if left untreated, and sometimes even if treated. So we have to be safe with her. The doctor said it's pretty typical and doesn't think it has anything to do with anything other than her being a tiny baby- it's not what I'm eating, what I'm not eating, or what we are/aren't doing. She's just gassy. It happens. She recommended Colic Calm since it's FDA regulated, all-natural, and works well. Also- Emma is 6lb 1oz already! Holy big baby! Last Thursday she was 5lb 5oz, so in six days she gained 12 ounces. Atta girl :)

We bought the Colic Calm, and it seems to be working well. She was gassy all day today but now she's resting peacefully. So peacefully that she was too tired to finish her bottle after going four hours between feeds. And then two and a half hours later, she was too tired to take much of her bottle. She took about a third of it before tuckering out and calling it quits. But she needs to rest- she has had a rough 24 hours and didn't get much sleep. She's growing so well that I don't mind her having a few lazy feeds here and there. She'll let us know if she's hungry, that's for sure. I'm just thankful that she's finally resting and I'm clinging to the hope that she'll rest well throughout the night and I can finally get some sleep!

Our poor puppy is starting to have some issues with this whole thing, and I can't blame her. She was the center of our universe for so long, and then suddenly she gets left with my in-laws for four weeks while I was in the hospital. We joke that my in-laws' house is "summer camp" for the puppy because she loves going over there. They own her brother and one other dog of the same breed and my puppy is definitely queen bee when she's there. She takes over right away and claims the head of the bed at night, ensuring that her brother is exiled to the foot of the bed. Poor thing. Anyways- suddenly she's brought home and our schedule is so different, as I was spending time at the NICU and hubby was working and also spending time at the NICU. And then we brought home this thing that makes weird noises and smells funny. And we pay so much attention to this noisy, smelly thing that sits in our laps on the couch multiple times per day and takes up a whole lot of our time and I think puppy just doesn't understand. We've been making it a point to pay extra attention to puppy, but she's starting to get a little jealous. Puppy is also apparently very terrified of the brady alarm, which we learned tonight. I figured I'd snuggle with puppy while hubby fed Emma, but when Emma brady'd, puppy freaked out. She climbed into my lap and shook for quite some time and just looked terrified for a while... we wonder if the noise is scary for her. It sounds just like the smoke detector, which gets set off every time hubby makes steak using the cast iron pan on the stove and we noticed that she always runs and either hides or wants to go outside when that happens. We always thought it was the smoke bothering her, but maybe it's just the noise. Poor puppy!!

My to-do list: eat. Sleep. Drink more water. Laundry. Increase milk supply. Oh, and I'm screwed with my time-off and short term disability at work. My short term disability plan gives six weeks of pay for maternity leave. Yet there's a two week elimination period, which I was aware of. Basically, you can't start getting benefits until two weeks after you're considered disabled... I'm not sure of the logic behind that. But anyways, I assumed that this meant that I wouldn't be eligible for my maternity pay until two weeks after her birth. Nope- they take those two weeks out of the six total weeks for maternity pay, leaving you with only four weeks of maternity pay. So why wouldn't they just tell you that you get four weeks of maternity leave pay?! Makes no sense. Oy.

I learned a lesson today. Well, actually I made a silly mistake at the wrong time that ended in a mini-disaster. Hubby called while I was holding Emma after her formula feed after we got home from her appointment. He had run out to the grocery store and needed to know if we needed potatoes, so I propped Emma up in the corner of the couch so I could (quickly) run into the kitchen to see if we had potatoes. When I went to pick Emma back up, her head tilted back for a second as I lifted her, and it was just long enough for her to spit up -a lot- and due to the tilt of her head, it ran into her nose and up her cheek and spilled all over the couch. It was like a Neosure volcano, and the poor thing looked so pathetic with that film of formula all over her sweet little face. After I cleaned her up and suctioned out her face and nose, I wiped down the couch and chuckled for a second at what I had just done. Lesson learned. Omg.