The Light Becomes Brighter

Greetings from the NICU! I'm sitting here (pumping of course) on the eve of what should hopefully be Emma's homecoming, and I'm feeling so many different emotions that I can't really sort them out very efficiently. Hopefully this blog will help a bit with that...

Doctor's report: The doctor called bright and early yesterday morning with some good and less than good news (I hesitate to call it bad news). He said that she's been eating well, but continued to choke on her food which caused her to have Brady's. She had also lost some weight. The plan was to thicken her food with rice cereal and give her a high calorie formula twice per day to see if she would start gaining weight again. If all went well, she could come home in 3-5 days. Because of her feeding related Brady's, she would be coming home on a cardiorespiratory monitor that monitors her heart rate and respirations. I felt a sense of relief when he said that because it felt so scary for her to just be sent home after being on these monitors that told us the instant her heart rate dropped. My biggest fear is finding her cold and blue in her bed... at least now we have something that will alert us before that happens.
When the doctor called this morning, he reported that she had gained a few ounces since yesterday and had a good night, so she would be ready to come home tomorrow (well, today since I'm now on my second session of working on this blog post while pumping and it's now 3am)! Of course that was contingent upon her having another good night and no major issues. He suggested that I room-in with her tonight since she would have her home monitor all hooked up.

And how does all of this make me feel? I'm terrified. Excited. Relieved. Nervous. I didn't realize how much of a comfort it has been to know that there are a multitude of nurses and a few ARNP's available at all times in case something happens... I just wanted her home. But home is scary- there aren't qualified professionals to assist if something out of the ordinary occurs. There's no one sitting outside of her window that can answer any questions I may have. The security blanket of the NICU will be left behind and the responsibility for her care will rest upon our shoulders and our shoulders alone... two first-time parents with a five pound preemie on a home cardiorespiratory monitor. Scared doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about that. But I'm also so happy to finally be leaving this place as yesterday (the 31st) marked the seventh week of this whole ordeal. Seven weeks. I had a very emotional day as all of the memories of the past seven weeks flooded in and I realized just how much we've really been through in that amount of time, which seems so long at first but so short for everything that has happened. I remembered the ultrasound when we found out about my short cervix, the drive to the hospital, finding out I wouldn't be going home pregnant, being monitored twice per day, feeling her kick in my belly and not knowing how much longer I'd experience that, getting shots of terb for contractions, my water breaking, going into labor, delivering her, hearing her cry, seeing her for the first time, seeing her in the NICU for the first time, spending nights with her, holding her for the first time, feeding her for the first time... and now a whole new set of memories and firsts will come. But for now, we're closing a chapter of our lives that we will never forget. Many of these memories will fade over time, but the lessons we learned will last a lifetime. As a couple, we've definitely grown closer to one another and have a bond that's even stronger than it's ever been before. I didn't even know that was possible...
So I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now. I didn't think I'd be sad to be leaving this place, but it became a second home that I wanted to leave, yet at the same time I was comforted by the security it provided. This place became a safe haven in a way. And tomorrow, we'll load the baby and her monitor into the car and watch the buildings become smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror.
I'll hopefully be able to write up some thank you cards for the nurses before I leave tomorrow. There are two in particular that will have their own personalized cards because they were just so amazing and really went above and beyond for us. The one night shift nurse that made Emma's little footprint cards left us the most amazing thing ever. When I arrived at the hospital yesterday with my parents, there was a card sitting on Emma's car seat addressed to "my mommy and daddy." It was an anniversary card (hubby and I are celebrating our 4 year wedding anniversary on Friday) from our sweet little Emma, complete with her footprints in it. I almost cried. It was so sweet and thoughtful. I had just mentioned in passing that our anniversary was coming up and that I was hopeful she would be home by then or would be coming home that day. She must have made a mental note about it... but it really made my day. I can't say enough about the excellent care we've gotten throughout this whole journey. I used to work for this company so I know how much they pride themselves in customer and patient satisfaction and it really shows. Way to go, Baycare!

Milk- it does the body good. And the sofa... and the walls... and the floor. You can just call me the milk-tard. I really need to get myself under control here, as I've somehow managed to spill milk everywhere. I've knocked over bottles after pumping, with one hitting the wall and splashing milk all over the wall and the carpet. I've soaked the NICU bed (thank goodness it's a waterproof material!) twice in one night. Once from a leaky storage bag and once from leaning over too far while pumping into one of the storage bags (great idea, Medela, to make a storage bag with an adapter for the pump. You just hook the bag onto the adapter and pump directly into the bag. The only problem is, it's not completely enclosed. So if you're a milk-tard like me, you'll lean over and almost all of the milk will pour out and onto the NICU bed). At 4:30am one time, I ended up forgetting to hook the storage bag onto the adapter and began pumping into my lap. Yep. That's how awesome I am.
My supply has been reduced by half... I guess it's from some poor pumping habits for a few days. I'm not overly concerned, though, because I'm still pumping a little more each time than one of her feeds. So it's not like I'm not producing enough, but I think I need to try to reestablish a better supply. Hopefully she'll be strong enough soon to start trying to breastfeed more. Right now, I think she would tire out too much from trying and wouldn't be able to take her full bottle afterwards, and she needs to eat more than she needs to try to breastfeed. So I shall continue to pump, probably for the rest of my life.

Emma's progress: Overall, she's doing well. She's still having Brady's with her feeds, either from choking (which has only happened once or twice since they thickened her food with the rice cereal) or from spitting up- I think she actually aspirates and so does the doctor and nurses. We're pretty sure she has reflux, which is common with preemies. She spits up a good amount after almost every feed. It's very scary when she has a Brady, but she hasn't changed color again like she did that one time- at least not in front of us. She apparently did with one of the nurses the other day. This is why I'm alright with the monitor- there have been a few times that she has choked or coughed and I was scared that she would Brady, but she didn't. And other times that she choked or coughed and did end up having a Brady, so I knew to sit her up and pat her back and wait until it stopped. It's still a very frightening situation. I had to have a refresher on infant CPR today and I hope to God that I never have to use that knowledge. Ever.

Sorry for no pictures today... given that it's 3:30am and I've only gotten 45 minutes of sleep so far, I think it can be excused. I took a bunch of pictures with Mr. Nikon (working on my manual focusing skills! in subpar lighting too... makes for an interesting time trying to photograph a squirmy baby) yesterday and today and will hopefully get some parting shots tomorrow.

Time for bed. Or, basically, a nap. Please pray for me that I can survive these next few weeks and that Emma does well at home. We need all the prayers we can get at this point... and again, a HUGE thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and encouraging of us through these difficult times. I hope it only gets easier from here on out.