Homecoming Day

*The majority of this was written yesteray, 8/1. Since I didn't get around to finishing it until now, I'm just going to leave it as is... so while reading this, keep in mind that it was written one day ago. That is all ;)

I can't even count the number of times I've cried over the last two days. They've been tears of happiness, fear, relief, and sadness. The sadness part is because of the fact that, while things are going just about as well as they can, it sucks that we've gone through this. And it sucks that we can't have any more children. But something overshadows all of that one hundred fold: Emma. My sweet little baby angel. Who is home with us right now... hubby and I are sitting on the couch watching the Olympics while she's asleep in her pack n play just a few feet away. It's a dream come true after a seven week nightmare.


We were told yesterday that she'd likely be coming home today, so I was mostly mentally prepared. I started my crying fits yesterday as I started to realize that this whole thing was finally coming to a close and I could leave the hospital behind. We were trained on the monitor last night and then ran to Babies R Us to get a few last things that we needed to prepare for her homecoming and enjoyed our last restaurant dinner before becoming "real" parents. It was Applebee's... meh. Neither of us are big fans, but it was right next to Babies R Us and we were starving.

Anyways, I'm glad I stayed overnight with Emma for a few reasons: mostly because I developed some faith in her home monitor, and also because I wanted to be there one last time. I have this thing where I like to try to soak things in as they're ending and this was no exception. Not that I'm going to miss it by any means, but this whole thing was a very life-changing situation. She had a few Brady's last night that were related to her feeding again, and her hospital monitor would alarm first, followed shortly thereafter by her home monitor. The reason for that is because the alarm threshold for the hospital monitor is set differently, so it will go off if her heart rate drops below 90 while her home alarm will go off if it drops below 80. For the same reason, I was fearful of her home alarm going off for her shallow breathing, which would happen in the hospital frequently. It was never an issue because her oxygen sat stayed fine as did her heart rate... but luckily the threshold on the home monitor is much lower so it never went off for her breathing, even when the hospital monitor did. So I woke up this morning feeling as if this home monitor may just work out alright after all. Despite her being a squirmy baby, her belt that holds the leads for the monitor has stayed on well and we haven't had any issues with a poor connection yet. I'm sure it'll happen, but we're pretty well prepared I think. However, the alarm is quite startling- like a loud smoke detector. If that thing goes off unexpectedly in the middle of the night, I'm sure we'll all have a massive heart attack.

Last night, the night shift nurse started getting me prepared for her discharge and it finally started to sink in that she would be coming home. I just kept thinking "This really is it... she's coming home." The nurse gave me some going home goodies and talked to me for a little bit about what to expect and what to do at home, and then I turned in for the night (around 3:30am). I skipped the 5am feeding in order to get some sleep before the big day. When I woke up this morning, I got myself ready and then spoke with the doctor. I asked if she was ready to come home today, to which he replied "are you ready for her to come home?" I told him I'm ready as I'll ever be, and he said he would discharge her. Then we started to talk about her homecoming and he gave me some info about her care and what to do/not to do. After he was done, I started getting things packed up and ready to go.

I cried in the bathroom- I couldn't believe this was finally happening. Memories flooded in from the last two years- the heartache of our fertility issues, the excitement of finding out I was pregnant... everything that lead up to this one big day when we finally get to bring home our precious miracle. It's been a long time coming. I called hubby and told him to come get us, and I could hear the excitement in his voice. I had knots in my stomach from the excitement and nervousness as I continued to pack everything up and began the process of leaving the hospital once and for all. When hubby arrived, the nurse gave us our discharge instructions and went over the whole "don't shake your baby" and "when to call the doctor" information. I could barely focus on what she was saying at times because it seemed so surreal to me after everything that we've been through.  I took a bunch of pictures of Emma, her room, and anything else I could think of just so I can remember all of this down the road. I don't ever want to forget it- this journey has taught me so much and strengthened me  in ways I didn't expect.

And finally, after much fussing, packing, and preparing, it was time to leave. We unhooked Emma from the hospital monitors (free at last!), got her dressed in her homecoming outfit, and went over the room one more time to make sure we hadn't forgotten anything. And then it was time... we bundled her up in a blanket and I held her while a tech pushed us in a wheelchair out the door, with hubby in tow, pushing a cart with all of our belongings. As the double doors of the NICU opened to let us out, I fought back tears again. It was really, truly, finally happening. I actually fought back tears from that point until we got into the car, and as we began to pull away from the hospital, they made their way out. We were finally going home.

I cried here and there on the way home. But mostly, I stared at the beautiful, sweet, tiny little baby in the carseat next to me. This is when I started to appreciate the monitor sitting on the floor at my feet. The blinking green lights told me that she was, in fact, breathing and that her heart was beating even when she seemed so still and peaceful. I didn't have to worry if she was ok- I knew she was ok. As much as I'd like for my baby to not be on a leash attached to the monitor, the peace of mind is priceless. Had it not been for the monitor, I would have been a wreck all day long.

When we got her home, it was time for a feed and a diaper change. Somehow we pulled it off, despite everything we needed to accomplish the task being divided up between numerous bags strewn across the living room floor. We quickly found out that he pack n play wouldn't fit between the footboard of the bed and the wall, nor would it fit through the bedroom doorway. Hubby folded it up and brought it out into the living room, and we put her in the little "newborn napper" to sleep. And she slept so soundly, like I've never seen her do before. It was almost like she was so relieved to be home and she could finally relax... and again, thank goodness for the monitor. If it wasn't for that, I would have been hovering over the pack n play listening for her breaths since she hardly ever sleeps that quietly. I was actually able to let her sleep while I cleaned up a bit and then took a quick nap.

*And this is where I left off from yesterday, so from this point forward, it's being written on 8/2*

Our first night as a family went well. She had some back-to-back Brady's during her 8pm feed last night and her 11am feed this morning, but that has been it so far *knock on wood*. Hubby and I are trying to split up her feedings by taking turns and it seems to be working out well so far, although I'm sure our routine and system will be tweaked as we go along. She only took about 45mL's from her 8pm feed as that was all that I put in her bottle- the doctor said that 43 is considered a full feed and she can take up to 50. So I figured 45 would suffice... apparently not. She still acted hungry even after her feed and stayed up for two hours afterwards. I tried to get her to go to sleep, but she kept acting hungry. Hubby had the brilliant idea for me to try to breast feed her, which I did, and she tried a little but was still hungry. It was our first "what the heck should we do?!" moment. The NICU nurses and doctor told us to try to stick to her every-three-hours schedule as much as possible, but never told us what to do if she was hungry less than an hour after her feed! That was also lesson #1 that we learned- just fill the bottle to 60mL's and let her take what she wants. As it turns out, she usually wants all 60- what a hungry little baby!

Due to my pumping schedule, I stayed up until after her 2am feed. I tried to go to bed to get some rest before I had to be up to pump again, but I didn't feel comfortable sleeping in bed. Since we have some logistical issues with her pack n play, we decided to leave it in the living room near our bedroom door and shut off the air purifier in our bedroom so we can hear her cry. But suddenly, at 2:30am, I lost all faith that I'd be able to actually hear her, so I threw some blankets on the couch and crashed there. I probably dozed in and out for the two hours before her next feed/my pumping time as she is a noisy sleeper and stirs and grunts pretty frequently. After the hungry baby incident from earlier in the evening, I was so worried all night that she was grunting because she was starving again. I know, I know... first time mom. I'll learn ;)

I'm getting more comfortable with her now and I know when her sleep grunts actually mean something more than her trying to fart or just being generally grunty. Grunty is not a word. Oh well... she had her first pediatrician appointment this afternoon and had her belly button chemically cauterized because it was still oozing and the area surrounding was getting red. She is now 5lb 5oz (3oz in one day! She's getting so big now) and about 18 1/2" long, which is over an inch of growth since she was born three weeks ago. She's the incredible growing plug-in baby! She goes back in a week for a weight check and possibly her first vaccine(s).

So that's where we're at- just trying to settle in and get used to being real parents. It still feels surreal, like we're just playing house and that soon she'll go back to her real home and we'll go back to our previous lives. But it's not... she's all ours. Hopefully we'll start having visitors soon... we just wanted some time to settle down, wrap our heads around having her home, get everything set up/cleaned up, and spend some time finally just being a family. Together in our own home. *sigh* It's been a long time coming- we've waited over two years for this moment.

Pictures? Maybe tomorrow. I need to pump and pass out for a bit.