If I had written a blog post yesterday, the bulk of it would have been along the lines of "why did I have a baby again?" and "I'm throwing in the towel on breastfeeding" and "iohygbkwjetblwkher." That last part would have been random mumblings resulting from sheer exhaustion. Yea. Yesterday was rough.
It all started the other night when I didn't get any kind of real sleep. Then I had to be up and about early in the morning so I could start working before the real excitement began- Emma's Auntie Lauren came over for a bit as did the respiratory therapist to download the data from the cardiorespiratory monitor. Having my BFF over gave me the opportunity to get a few things done (like changing my clothes and brushing my teeth... lol. but seriously.) and send out some more emails for work. When she left, I had enough time to get some more work done (are we seeing a pattern here? work work work work work) and join a conference call. My mom came over while I was on the call and I scrambled to get ready to take Emma to the doctor. It was my first trip out into the real world without hubby's help... needless to say, I was nervous! My mom brought over some lasagna and bread for us to have for dinner that night- it was completely unexpected but was such a big help. It's so nice to not have to worry about dinner now that we're both back at work and exhausted.
So my mom went with me to the appointment so someone could sit with Emma in the back seat. I still wasn't completely comfortable with venturing out on my own- I'm just so terrified that her alarm will go off while I'm driving by myself. The appointment went well overall... but here's the part about giving up on breastfeeding. I'll admit it- I was seriously hoping that the doctor would tell me that the whole breastfeeding thing wasn't working out and I could just move on and start her on formula. I know... bad mommy. But I've been so overwhelmed. She nurses for ten minutes, then pulls off. I give her the other side, and she nurses for ten minutes, then pulls off. Then she starts flailing and trying to eat her hands because she's still starving, yet if I try to get her to latch again, she gets very angry and refuses. So I was having to give her a bottle of stored breastmilk, which was further depleting my supply because I'm not able to pump as much as I had been. Not even close. And that added to the frustration- at some point, I would run out of stored milk and if she still needed to be supplemented with a bottle, then what would I do?! Also, it was overwhelming to think of nursing her every time. I know a lot of women do it, but I guess the idea of nursing AND bottle feeding AND pumping (to keep up some sort of supply of stored milk) every time was way overwhelming to me. Even just nursing and bottle feeding was a lot to deal with- she has to be held upright for a while after feeding so it's not like I could nurse her, put her back in bed, and then dive into bed myself. It's a process. A big, long, tiring process that leaves me with about an hour to an hour and a half to sleep before I have to get up again to feed her. Now that hubby has to leave for work at 6:30am, I'm taking over all of the middle of the night feedings. Again- I know all nursing moms do that.
So I left the appointment realizing that the doctor basically told me to just continue doing what I was already doing, with one exception- I can start supplementing her nursing sessions with formula if she's still hungry. And we can give her formula feeds throughout the day, but I need to try to nurse her at least four times per day to maintain some kind of milk supply in case she doesn't tolerate formula- we don't want my supply to dry up and find out that she can't handle formula. I did some research today and realized that some breastmilk is better than nothing and as long as I can nurse a few times per day, she's getting some good benefits and I feel so much better about that. So she'll be part formula fed, part breast fed. And I'm completely ok with that prospect.
She's also up to 7lb 9oz! And that was a naked weigh, so it was completely accurate. Needless to say, we can stop giving her the higher calorie formula :) She's also being switched to another medicine for her reflux- the doctor says she has every symptom of severe acid reflux so we're trying to see if we can help her feel more comfortable. Poor baby! She needs a chest x-ray to make sure she isn't aspirating and getting a bunch of junk in her lungs, and if her new meds don't help, then she'll have to see a GI doctor. *sigh* I wish she didn't have to go through this!
I nervously ventured out with Emma today without assistance. My work laptop needed to be fixed and I had to be in the office for that to happen, so like the good worker I am, I packed up the baby and drove to the office. She did so great! But maybe too great... if she had just been fussy, maybe I could have an excuse to not come into the office as much. lol. But at least I learned two things- I can go out with her by myself and she will live (and so will I), and I can also take her into the office for a bit and still get some work done. Wahoo!
I actually felt so much better after going into the office today. It's probably because it felt normal to me and I got more accomplished, which always helps. I was starting to feel like my whole life was just feeding and holding the baby, so to actually feel productive in another way was very much needed. It also reminded me that I really do like my job. And, I'm actually about to go to bed feeling alright instead of exhausted and overwhelmed like I did last night. I think I may just make it out alive. Now let's just hope that Emma doesn't decide that it's party time at 1am like she did last night. That was not fun for this mommy... I was rocking her to help her sleep when she started getting groggy, and I was so tired that I almost fell over! But I have a feeling that she'll be wide awake after I feed her in about two hours. Time to attempt to get some sleep before then.
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