The guppy's progress: Well... we're still trucking along. She's still having bradys every day and I just wish this would be over with already! I know I've said it many times before, but it's so awful to feel her go limp, watch her eyes roll back in her head, and watch her turn blue. I want us to move past this and never look back. And a lot of times, she seems to be very sleepy afterward and I have to wonder how much of a toll it takes on her body- she must feel pretty crappy afterwards. She's such a trooper though!
We went to the doctor today, and she's up to 6lb 14oz! But I think we need to subtract a few ounces- she was weighed with her clothes, cardiorespiratory monitor belt, and diaper on. And I think her diaper was wet, so she's probably in the range of about 6lb 10oz to 6lb 12oz. The nurse couldn't believe it, though- she's growing so quickly! The doctor even kind of pressed us about how often we're feeding her and whether or not we're waking her up to feed her every three hours at night. We're seriously not shoving food down her throat- she's just a very hungry guppy!
We discussed her ongoing bradys and the events that lead up to them, and the doctor felt certain that it's a result of some pretty serious reflux and some minor aspiration. Not the kind of aspiration in which you strive to do something great, but the kind in which something foreign, like food, enters the lungs. Yea, the bad kind of aspiration. I asked about the swallow study, but she said there wasn't much of a point in doing it now because her symptoms are very indicative of reflux and it's best to just start her on meds and see if it helps. We now have meds in hand and are hoping it gives her some relief- she just grunts, strains, and arches her back after feeds and sounds congested from the junk coming back up into her throat. Poor baby! I mean, poor guppy! lol
I'm also very proud of her progress- she's definitely starting to focus on things in her visual field. I was wearing a black tank top with white writing on it and some white pants last night. Her daddy was holding her on the couch and she was wide awake, and when I walked by, she focused on me and followed me as I moved. Woohoo! It's difficult to do tummy time with her because of her reflux and spitting up, but I found out that it's almost as good to hold her upright with her head on my shoulder/chest. The purpose of tummy time is to help her build the muscles in her neck so she can start to hold up her head on her own, and she's supposed to start pushing herself up with her arms and holding her head up on her own for a few seconds. And she's doing it! I know it's easier when she's upright versus when she's actually on her tummy, but she'll use her arms to push off of my chest and will hold up her head and turn it from side to side. Such a big girl!
Mommy stuff: We also had our lactation consultation today. There's definitely hope for her to breastfeed- the big issue at this point is going to be my stamina and willpower because it is going to take a lot of work and consistency. I'm already exhausted and overwhelmed. I have to draw from my inner strength, but my reserves seem to be dwindling as I've been withdrawing funds from the inner strength account since the beginning of my hospital stay two months ago. Yep- this whole thing has been going on for two whole months already! Yikes. So the new task at hand is to try to breast feed with every feed and pump afterward and hope that I don't die in the process. And to top it off, I have to go back to work next week. I've been on the verge of giving up on pumping for about a week now. But now it's time to kick it into overdrive and give it my all in the hopes that she'll start breastfeeding and we can ditch this silly pumping stuff. That would be wonderful. It's an overwhelming task, but I'm going to give it an honest try. Wish me luck!
Like I said, I'm already exhausted and overwhelmed- I had another mini mommy meltdown this morning. I was up until about 2:30 last night from feeding the baby, holding the baby, pumping, and cleaning pump parts. I slept until 4am (she slept so soundly too! To the point where I got up to make sure her monitor was still working and she was actually still breathing), when it was time to get up and pump while hubby fed the baby. But my guppy didn't want to go back to sleep and was wide awake and fussy... so I had to get up and try to soothe her because not only can I not just leave her lying there when she's fussing like that, but I also can't sleep unless she's sleeping too. So I was up with her until about 5am, when she was calm enough to sleep. But she was still grunting and fussing, so I couldn't sleep- I tried giving her the gripe water we have, but she was way too sleepy at that point to suck it out of the pacifier. We have this awesome pacifier that's specifically for giving liquid meds- you fill up a little reservoir with the medication, snap it shut, and she sucks the liquid out of the pacifier. It's great, as long as the baby actually sucks on it. So it was a no-go, and I walked away from the pack n play feeling defeated and assuming that she'd just continue to fuss until it was time to feed her again. But just like that, she stopped fussing after my attempt at giving her the gripe water. I'll take it!
I fell asleep around 6am and then it was time to get up again at 7am to feed her. This is when the meltdown started- I was just so tired. I rested my head on hubby's shoulders and whined about the fact that I was so sleepy. He asked if she was even ready to eat since she was so quiet, and I told him that I looked on the monitor and she was acting hungry. I stumbled into the kitchen and prepared her bottle and sobbed like an idiot. And of course, she was sound asleep and no longer looking hungry. She was too sleepy to eat but half of her bottle, so I surrendered, put her back in bed, and stumbled back to bed myself. I slept for another two hours or so before I had to get up to go to my office... this is when things started to get interesting.
I convinced myself last night that I was getting fired- why else would my program director need me to come into the office while I'm on leave? What could he have possibly needed to talk to me about that couldn't have been done over the phone? I nervously drove to the office and then proceeded to convince myself that the receptionist flashed me a look of pity when I walked in. I knew it- I was getting fired. I should have brought a box to put all of my stuff in. But then something amazing happened... everyone assembled in the conference room, at which point my supervisor walked in with a bag and explained that someone in the office had won the "above and beyond" award from the lead agency, which just so happened to be me! I was flattered, but more than anything, I was relieved to still be employed. And then the best part- there was a check that came along with the award. A sizeable check. One that really helps with the financial burden of not working for two months... it was a serious blessing. These are the moments that make me realize that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and that everything was meant to happen- to be chosen out of everyone in the lead agency for this award right at this time when we needed it the most is more than just an awesome coincidence if you ask me.
So speaking of blessings... so many amazing things have come out of this experience. I happened to meet someone who I truly believe is an angel on earth and is one of the kindest, most caring and selfless people I've ever come across. It takes a very special person to be so supportive and encouraging to someone they've never met and to recruit their friends and family to pray for that person. And she just so happened to take some absolutely amazing pictures of my Emma yesterday... I hope she doesn't mind me posting a few :)
Amazing, right? It was an awesome day :)
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