Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Backward

I wish this whole "two steps forward, two steps backward" thing was followed by a "cha cha cha" and that is was pertaining to some kind of awesome dance I'm learning. Alas- it's not.

I somehow had some sort of boost of confidence and drive on Friday, the day after my last blog post, and ended up nursing Emma for all of her feeds that day. I supplemented with formula for the most part, but was able to nurse her every time during the day and it made me feel a lot better. But Saturday was a different story- she just didn't want to nurse for most of the day and would fight me over it. She just refused to latch and would fuss, squirm, and cry. I was devastated, as I thought we were making some progress and suddenly I felt like we were in an even worse place than we were a few days ago. So I pumped a few times, which only deflated me even more (no pun intended) because I couldn't even pump an ounce of milk. I pumped right before bed and angrily told hubby that what I pumped wasn't even worth storing, then trucked into the kitchen and washed up the pumping parts and reluctantly, upon much encouragement from hubby, poured the sad amount of milk into a bottle for later use. I then resigned to bed feeling completely defeated.

I fed her at 2:30am and she puked all over me. My shirt was soaked. I just feel so bad for her when she pukes so much because I know she's not getting as much nutrition when she loses so much of her lunch.

Yesterday (Sunday) was a bit better with the nursing, but she's still been acting a little funny. Last night, she just cried and squirmed and flailed around after I fed her and I just couldn't do anything to make her feel better. She puked all over me again, including straight down my cleavage (thanks, kid), and hubby offered to hold her while I showered and took a break from trying to console her. I was getting frustrated and sad- I hate when she's so upset. Showering really helped and I think that'll be my go-to method of coping when she's that fussy and I need a break.

Did I mention that she cries now? I'm not talking some wimpy preemie cry either. She cries. Loudly. It's as if she suddenly discovered that she has lungs and vocal chords and that, when used in conjunction with one another, they can make mommy jump to action. Hubby thought it was cute the other day for a few moments- probably due to the novelty of our formerly-four-pound-baby making such a loud noise- but I about had a fit because I don't like it when she cries!

Something magical came to the front door today- Emma's Boppy Newborn Lounger! I ordered it because I figured it would be a big help for having her upright after a feed without me having to hold her forever, thus freeing me up to work and do other things instead of being tied up holding her. Not that I don't love snuggle time with her, but mama has things to do! I think it'll also be a good work companion so she has a place to sit other than her carseat when I take her into the office. So after I nursed and bottle fed her this afternoon, I plopped her down on her lounger and she settled right down and fell asleep. Now there's this wonderful little tag on the lounger that sternly dictates that this thing is "never ever" to be used for sleeping. Right. And everyone always comes to a complete stop at every stop sign. So this soft pillow that is perfectly contoured for a little baby to snuggle right in and get comfy is only to be used for that one to two hours of the day that the baby isn't sleeping. So they can... you know... lie comfortably but not sleep. I get why that tag is there... it all boils down to liability. I'm not going to just put her to bed in the thing and then go shopping or something- I'm always near her. Somehow I think she'll be alright, but just don't tell her that I'm blatantly breaking the rules because I don't want her to think that she can break the rules too ;)

We finally got her new medication today. Insurance doesn't cover it but it's only $40 for a one month supply and if it works, it's completely worth it to me. Just add that into the "unanticipated expenses" column of the baby budget. Also add the cost of formula, as I was dead-set on exclusively breastfeeding from long before I even found out I was pregnant. But that didn't happen. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and there have been so many factors working against my breastfeeding endeavors:
First, she was in the NICU for three weeks. I wasn't able to have her latch on for about two whole weeks. When my milk supply was trying to regulate itself, I was only pumping. So my body thought it didn't need to produce so much. I also have PCOS, which I've found out can dramatically affect milk supply since it's a big disruption in hormone levels. She also started feeding from a bottle in the NICU, which made her become angry and frustrated when trying to breastfeed. Bottle= instant gratification. Booby= work. And now we're caught in this vicious cycle where she'll nurse on each side but won't get enough to feel full. So then she needs a bottle and I can't just nurse her more often so she won't want a bottle afterward. There is no denying this child food when she's hungry.

So anyways, we finally have Prevacid in hand and are hopeful that it works. Now if only we can get her to take it. We also discovered that the Similac Sensitive formula that the doctor gave us as a sample is not good with Emma's tummy. She just gets so unbelievably fussy after she's had it, so I called the doctor's office and was told that we could start her on regular newborn formula to see how she tolerates it. So here goes nothin'.

The biggest lesson I've learned over the last eleven weeks (can you believe my little miracle baby, the one we all prayed for, is already seven weeks old?!) is that I just can't plan everything out. It'll happen how it's supposed to, and I don't have control over everything. In fact, I didn't have control over my body. I didn't have control over whether or not I could breastfeed her exclusively. And I didn't have control over when she was born. I don't have control over whether or not she feels well. And I don't have control over how long it'll take to figure out what she needs for her tummy to be alright.

At the risk of jinxing this big time, I'll proudly say that Emma has gone over 24 hours without a Brady! Wahoo! She has choked while feeding multiple times, but her heart rate has stayed strong. It has dropped a little bit a few times, but not low enough to set off the alarm at least. I'll count it as progress until further notice :)