When you Believe

Just keep swimming... that's the plan, at least. I'll keep swimming so Emma can, more literally, keep swimming. The OB discussed last night's "episode" of contractions with me this morning. I had asked her how often they would check my cervical length and she basically said there's no point, since my last one measured about 8-9mm and is, in essence, gone. She said that these episodes of contractions are likely making it disappear more and more each time, which scared me and caught me off guard. I guess I just thought that my contractions were no big deal since they have responded to the terb shots so far, but apparently I was wrong.
This morning started out alright- hubby and I slept until about 8:30am (but don't be fooled, we were definitely woken up just before 6 and at 6 for meds) and then I ordered some breakfast. I was on the monitor for two hours again because Emma was sleepy and wasn't getting her accels like they wanted to see. The nurse mentioned that she thought the standard was a little too high for Emma based on her gestational age, so she wasn't too concerned. I ended up falling asleep while on the monitor- for some reason I was really sleepy this morning! So the nurse finally just took me off the monitor until the OB came in, at which point the OB agreed that Emma looked fine and we didn't need a BPP (ultrasound) today. I'm just getting the feeling that the time is near and that I'm going to have this baby in the next couple of weeks. I don't know if it's because the perinatologist mentioned yesterday that it would be great to get another two weeks out of this pregnancy or because of having contractions two days in a row. Either way, I just have this feeling that I hope is wrong. My realistic goal is for another two weeks, but I really want to go another four weeks before I have her. She's got a much better chance of being alright at 34 weeks than she does at 32, although even at 32 weeks she has a good shot of having fewer complications.
I took a nice hot shower and ate some lunch before hubby took me for a spin in the wheelchair, and I was quickly disappointed to find that it was raining so I couldn't go outside for some fresh air. So we opted to sit on the third floor in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows looking out over the main road. We talked and joked around... I can't imagine going through this with someone other than him. He makes me laugh every single day of my life and is so caring and sweet to me. And the fact that he's endured this major disruption and stress and spends time in a hospital doing nothing with me just shows how much he really does care about me...
He left to go home so he could bring some more food to his parents' house for our dog and get a good night's sleep so he can get some stuff done around the house tomorrow before he goes back to work again on Monday. I always cry when he leaves. Not because I'm upset with him for leaving, but because every fiber of my being wants to go with him. We Skyped for a bit while he was at his parents' house so I could see my puppy... she's so cute I can't even stand it. But I broke down afterwards. I just want to go home. Some days it gets to me more than others, and tonight was one of those moments. It's such an impossible situation to understand until you live it... while I want to go home, I also don't. Because I'll get to go home when Emma is born, and I don't want her to be born soon. It's very overwhelming to think of being here for another four weeks, or even two weeks for that matter. Luckily the first two weeks (wow, I can't believe it's almost been that long!) have gone by pretty quickly. But I'm just not ready to be a mommy yet, so I need to stay as long as possible, even if that means growing more and more homesick every day. And even if that means missing my own baby shower, or not seeing my puppy for another month or more. I know I can do it, I just wish I didn't have to. But my baby's health is the most important thing to me!
So the name of my blog comes from a song I listened to repeatedly when I was a teenager. It's from "The Prince of Egypt" and Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston sang a version of it that they played on the radio. I don't know why, but it popped into my head when I was creating this blog, so I decided to go with it. Here are the lyrics:

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could


There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe


In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe


They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
A small but still resilient voice
Says hope is very near

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
somehow you will
You will when you believe

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe...in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believe


So in a sappy moment, I played that song on my phone via youtube and put the speaker on my belly so Emma could hear. She wiggled all around in the beginning and after it was over. Actually, hubby called in the middle and when the music stopped, she had a fit. I sobbed throughout the whole thing... blame it on the hormones and homesickness.

Tonight's monitoring was alright... the contraction monitor was placed too high so it didn't pick up the first three contractions I had. So I moved it a little and it picked up the last two, but the nurse didn't seem concerned (actually I think she doesn't believe me that I'm having these contractions). She told me to let her know if I was having six or more in an hour. On my seventh contraction in 68 minutes, I was about to call but she came in at that moment. I told her about the contractions and that the last one was crampy and my back was sore. She didn't seem overly concerned and said I'd know when I was really in labor... well, isn't the point that we don't get to real labor? Because at that point, we're screwed. If we can stop this early labor, we're buying more time before delivery. So needless to say, I'm a little frustrated- my contractions are the same tonight as they were last night, and last night the OB was paged and I got a shot of terb. Tonight, it's a non-issue. So I drank a ton of fluids again, but I'm still contracting. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.
To end on a good note: I got a foam egg crate mattress pad put on my bed tonight, with fresh sheets to boot! It's so much more comfortable now that I can't feel the metal bar directly under my lower back. That combined with a nice back massage from hubby and I'm feeling a little more relaxed (physically). And I'm feeling alright emotionally too- I actually consider myself to be very emotionally stable right now for being just shy of 7 months pregnant and being confined to this sterile prison. I'm only having meltdowns every couple of days, and they're more like episodes of just letting go of the emotions and processing what's really going on. There's a lot of fear, frustration, disappointment, stress, and and confusion involved with this, so it's only natural that I let it out every once in a while. So to me, I'm doing pretty alright :)