Getting the Boxing Gloves Ready

Sometimes when the big things suck so bad, you have to take joy in the little things. Right now, there's no changing the fact that I'm in the hospital, on strict bed rest, and will likely have a very premature baby in the NICU for a long time. But what I can change is my attitude and outlook on everything... beginning with finding joy anywhere I can.
So today hasn't started out awful... despite another night with very interrupted sleep (vitals every four hours, meds every six, sometimes a little early on meds and vitals, and the sometime-after-seven-AM visit from my day shift nurse and tech), my monitoring went well this morning. I'm still having contractions, but they weren't bad enough to need the evil turbutaline sulfate or a flush of fluids... Emma also wasn't moving quite as much as they would have liked, so they gave me juice and put me on my side, which did the trick! The contractions subsided and she started her ninja kicks again... I never knew the power of apple juice prior to today. So, finally, I made it off the monitor without having to have the doctor paged or have some sort of treatment or follow up. Hooray victory! And good job, my little Emma- keep kicking me as hard as you can. I'm enjoying every little jab, I promise!
There were a few good moments yesterday, too. They decided to take me off the IV fluids yesterday afternoon and I could have hugged the perinatologist, the perinatologist ARNP, and the RN that were in my room at the time (let's hope all of this attention doesn't go to my head). It was such a headache to tote my IV stand to the bathroom every hour, especially in the middle of the night. And the electrical outlet in the bathroom was broken for the first couple of days, so I couldn't just leave it plugged into the bathroom all day, causing me to have to plug it into an outlet in the room. So every time I needed to pee, I had to unplug it, wrap the cord around it so it didn't drag on the floor, and plug it back in when I was done. So to be free of that thing was amazing. AND I didn't have to have them unplug it from my arm when it was time to take a shower. The stand is still sitting in my room mocking me, but I'm mocking it right back. FREEDOM!
So the silliest of my small joys has got to be in the little blue and white box sitting on the table next to my bed. Breast pads. Again, I almost hugged my RN when she brought them to me... I've started leaking milk (well, colostrum) quite bad and it's not pleasant. Sorry to any men reading this that may be adverse to strange pregnant bodily functions! I was going to have my mom purchase some and bring them to me (because you know breast pads are in the same category as tampons... that category being "things that make men extremely uncomfortable to buy") but the hospital is able to supply them. I've never been so happy about something like this.
On another note, an MD or ARNP (can't remember which credentials she had) from the NICU came to visit me at 7am today. I was still groggy but I'm glad she talked to me. She gave me the low-down on the NICU and the complications with preemies. It was scary to be told about intraventricular hemorrhages and the idea that she may need a ventilator, but I had researched a lot of this prior so it wasn't a complete shock to me. It felt good to be informed... I know she'll be in the NICU so I'm getting ready for that. I'm putting on my metaphorical boxing gloves and I'm ready to fight, and I'm hoping Emma will do the same. Put on those gloves baby girl!
I felt like my journey through infertility force fed taught me some valuable lessons about faith, patience, and the overall idea that everything happens for a reason. Just before we conceived our miracle, I realized so many things- God's delay is not God's denial. There were different plans for my life than the ones I laid out for myself. It all happened how it was supposed to. I also learned how to be happy for others when circumstances in my life make me want to curl into a ball and hibernate for a long time. Just because things are tough for me, doesn't mean I can't feel joyful for others and it surely doesn't give me the right to be envious or have any ill-feelings towards anyone else. Apparently that's a difficult thing for some people to grasp, because there was a good handful of people who just couldn't bring themselves to be happy for me when I got pregnant. It bothered me for a bit, but I'm over it now. It is very humbling and encouraging to me that there are so many people who have reached out to pray, offer support, and and give me well-wishes. I never realized how many people cared about me and I'm so overwhelmed by the outpouring of support. It's also interesting that some people haven't said a thing about it, but again, I'm getting over that.
There's no justice in things like this- that the crack heads of New Port Richey can pop out seven healthy children that they don't want to take care of. That people can sneeze wrong and get pregnant. That babies can be born addicted to drugs and medications and be put into foster care. That I had to go through so much to get pregnant, and now have to face the reality that my baby may never come home with me. HOWEVER. It doesn't have to be just. It just is what it is... and I can't change it, so I should probably not dwell on it and whine about it. Even if something goes drastically wrong, I've been given an amazing six months with my baby girl in my belly and I've felt very blessed. I know for certain that I'll make it through to the other side, I just don't know what that other side will look like. But I'll make it through, and I also know that I'll be stronger because of it. My life has just changed more than it ever has but I'm as ready as I can be.
So, in the unfortunately not famous words of Boy Scout Bill... "that's that for that! Is that not it? It is!"