Colic. Ugh.

Wanna know how awesome my week has been? I started this blog post about three days ago and I'm just now getting around to finishing it. The culprit? Colic. Read on...
*this part was written a few days ago:

Coffee has become an additional food group for me... for those who know me well, you know that I'm caffeine sensitive and coffee has long been my nemesis. I took a few sips (ok, gulps) of a Mountain Dew before retiring to bed last night and hubby asked if that was a good idea... I'm so sleep deprived that I was able to fall asleep at just about the same time my head hit the pillow. Luckily for me, hubby did the late night feed so I could get a few consecutive hours of sleep, and took two feeds this morning so I could get even more sleep. Wahoo! I think I got more sleep last night than the last three nights combined, and it was wonderful.

I have a confession to make: I used to judge parents who had babies with flat heads. Blame it on being a social worker- I was indoctrined to think that a flat head meant that the parents didn't hold the baby enough and left him/her lying down or in a car seat all day. In dependency, flat head= bad parent. And... my baby has a flat head. So now I realize the err of my judgment, as Emma is certainly held a lot and isn't left to be babysat by her crib or a bouncy seat. Aside from the fact that preemies are very susceptible to flat spots on their heads, my little snuggle bear happens to strongly prefer to sleep with her head facing to the right, whether we put her to sleep with her head facing to the left or not. In fact, I've propped up one side of the little "newborn napper" in her pack-n-play to see if that would encourage her to face the left. Nope. Emma: 1, Mommy: 0. Bah! So we've ordered the Boppy Noggin Nest, which is supposed to help correct the issue. Prior to being a mommy, I thought the Boppy brand was probably one of those overpriced hyped up brands that wasn't actually worth it. But let me say this, as someone who clearly isn't getting paid for it, that the Boppy stuff is awesome. We have the boppy pillow, which I literally cannot live without. Then we bought the Boppy Newborn Lounger, which is great to use when we're not at home so she doesn't have to sit in her carseat and for when I need to do something (usually work) and don't have time to hold her upright in my arms for 30 minutes after feeding her. But she doesn't sleep in it ;) Anyways- we'll see how the Noggin Nest works out... and these things were all surprisingly cheaper than the same products from other brands. I heart Boppy.

I also happen to love what I believe to be the Walmart brand (Parent's Choice) bibs. The tags don't have the brand on them, but I think I recall them being Parent's Choice. Regardless, they're perfect for my messy bottle baby because they're absorbent terry cloth. More expensive isn't always best!

We've had a rough couple of days... sadly, Emma appears to be growing more and more colicky as the days wear on. It was textbook colic the first night- after her early evening feed, she became completely inconsolable and cried and screamed like she was in a significant amount of discomfort. Nothing we can do makes it better- we just have to wait until she wears herself out so she can sleep. The first night, she had a bout of colic for about two or three hours and then I was finally able to nurse her to sleep. Last night, the first bout lasted a shorter amount of time, but she's had an episode after pretty much every feed since. She just cries and screams, then calms down, then cries and screams... over and over until she's so tired she finally falls asleep. I could see it coming from a mile away yesterday- after I fed her in the afternoon, she seemed a bit fussy and it took her much longer than usual to fall asleep. We ordered pizza and wings and hunkered down for a night of screaming. It breaks my heart, because she just looks up at me like she's saying "mommy, help!" But I can't help. We've tried everything, too- bouncing, walking, rocking, diaper pats, shushing, lying her down, swaddling, swinging, tummy time. I imagine we're going to try driving around the neighborhood tonight. Maybe it'll rain this evening so it'll be cool enough to put her in the stroller and take a walk. We'll see...

This working from home thing is not all it's cracked up to be... it's exhausting and stressful. I spend my whole day feeding the baby, holding the baby, working, repeat. And because I have to get in my eight hours of work each day, this ends up lasting about twelve hours total. I have no time to do anything I actually want to do, and by the time the weekend rolls around, I have to catch up on laundry and house cleaning. Heck, I barely even have time to shower or brush my teeth. Or eat.

The bradys came back, but still not as bad as they had been. I'm so ready for her to be off her monitor, though. It really sucks that sitting in her nursery with her is a treat- I'm ready to be able to carry her around the house without having to unplug her and carry her monitor with me. Although it is nice that she can sleep soundly in her pack n play and I dont' have to worry about whether or not she's breathing. But that's why we have our Snuza Halo! It clips onto her diaper and will alarm if she stops breathing. I had Emma at the office with me one day and a coworker and I were joking around about us keeping her on a monitor forever, just so I don't ever have to worry about whether or not she's breathing. My coworker joked that she would be a teenager going on a date and would have to take her monitor off in the car when she was out of my sight. That'll never happen- she's not allowed to date until she's married ;) lol. I know most first time moms are paranoid about SIDS, but after all we've been through... I can't even think about it. Speaking of SIDS- we're getting too comfortable with her being on the monitor in the respect that we've broken some SIDS rules, like putting her to sleep on her belly a couple of times and having a rolled up blanket in her bassinet with her.

*Aaaaaaaaannnnndddd commence blogging in the present tense!*

I really do think we're dealing with colic here... I know the "rule of threes" which means three or more hours of crying per day, three or more days per week, for at least three weeks... and it hasn't been three weeks. In fact, it's only been one. One week that has almost been the death of me. So she technically isn't considered to be truly colicky for another two weeks, but I highly doubt I'll be around by that time as I'm fairly certain new mommies in my situation perish prior to the end of those three weeks. I think there's something about infant crying that causes premature death for moms. Or something like that. Anyways, I've done tons and tons of research, as is typical 90210 fashion (side note: no one calls me 90210 anymore! I miss my old Baycare child welfare peeps. They were the only ones who truly get me. Hmph) and I've noticed a few things: for one, it seems that the majority of people believe that a breastfeeding mom's diet has everything to do with gas and colic. In the age of modern research, it would appear that this has been proven false. Also, there's a big push lately about milk protein allergies in babies, to the point where pediatricians put breastfeeding moms on strict no-dairy diets and put formula-fed infants on crazy expensive formula that no one can possibly afford. It turns out that a milk protein allergy is very rare, though, but you wouldn't know it by the eleventy billion forum posts by moms who are driving themselves nuts on a dairy-free diet or pinching pennies to afford their $25/can formula. My conclusion: we still don't know what causes colic, and we're just trying to adjust the one thing we have control over, which is the diet of the baby either via the mom's diet when breastfeeding or by changing the formula. There's little else we can control with a screaming little one who can't tell us what hurts.

That's my challenge... I just can't figure out which end hurts. Or maybe it's her middle that hurts? I'm guessing it's one of the ends- either gas or reflux. Good lord, it could be both for all I know. I do know that she tenses up, does little baby crunches (she's going to have a rockin' six pack soon), turns bright red, screams/cries/whimpers, and starts flailing her little arms and kicking her chunky legs. The arm flailing usually results in some serious mommy abuse as she generally starts punching me in the chest with her free arm while I'm holding her. Generally one arm is mostly pinned between her and I, and luckily that one is rendered useless in her attacks on me. She also grabs hold of my hair and pulls pretty darned hard. Have I mentioned that she has raptor nails? And that those nails scratch the crap out of my arm and chest while she's nursing? At this point, it would be natural to ask what I ever did to her to deserve this, but I know the answer to that question: my body pretty much waged war on her while I was pregnant. So her little baby punches are warranted, in my opinion, and certainly nothing compared to having the living daylights squeezed out of you by a uterus all day long.

My mom came over today to watch Emma for a few hours while I did a deposition for work. It was the first time anyone other than hubby and I watched her, so needless to say I was quite anxious. Add to that the fact that I have had two super stressful days at work this week and Emma didn't let me sleep last night, and I almost had a complete nervous breakdown this morning. In fact, I had a mommy meltdown the other day and a big mommy meltdown in the wee hours of the morning. Emma finally went to bed at midnight and I stumbled into bed myself- unbrushed teeth, no shower, and I had to pee. But I went straight to bed. At 2:30, she woke me up to feed her, and that was the end of sleeping for this mommy. She would not, for any reason, calm down or go back to sleep. I tried everything that usually works for her, and a lot of things that usually don't work for her. Nothing made her sleepy enough to go to bed. I ended up feeding her 2oz of formula every hour because she would keep getting hungry but wouldn't eat more than that at one time. I started melting down around 4:00, and hubby offered to help. I refused because he had to be up at 6am. By 5am, I was done. I just couldn't do it anymore... hubby came out to hold her and I practically ran into the room, shut the door, and cried myself to sleep. I felt like a failure, a bad mommy, and the overall sense of complete exhaustion made me want to crawl into a hole for the next three years. Oh, and we had Chinese takeout for dinner and I felt super nauseous and shaky the whole time. Woohoo.

My mom arrived at 8am and I briefly told her about my night. She made that empathetic face that moms are so good at. I got myself ready and gave her the instructions on the cardiorespiratory monitor and showed her where we keep everything. I finally got up the courage to leave but felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack during the whole country drive. So many cows. I called the instant I was finished with my deposition and my mom cheerfully told me that Emma was just fine and was lying down in her pack n play taking a nap. She propped her up so she was lying on her side, and she was happy as a sleepy clam. My mom told me to take my time getting home, she had it covered. I brought home a sandwich for us to share while the baby napped. My mom strongly urged me to lie down for a little bit before my phone conference but I figured I'd fall into a deep coma and wouldn't emerge until it was far too late. But I did retire to my room and laid in bed during the conference. I could hear my mom talking to the baby pretty much the whole time, and when I was done, she said she had fed her and Emma was doing just fine. My mom was in the process of some pretty serious baby entertaining and then it happened. Emma flashed her first real smile. Right at her grandma, who couldn't have been happier. Thank God I was there to see her do it :)

And this is where I leave you. There's so much more to say, but I need to take a shower and rinse off this funk before I settle in for a long night of baby soothing and not sleeping. Kind of like the not sleeping that happens with Emma's Boppy stuff.