Fussy Pants

I've figured it out: cheese puffs. That is precisely the smell emanating from my darling little Emma. I knew it smelled oddly familiar, although I have to add that the version coming from the baby is much less appetizing than the processed, powdered cheese product covered puffs that come in a fifteen gallon sized bag for $1.

I got some things accomplished today... words that haven't really come out of my mouth or been typed by these fingers for quite some time now. All thanks to some help from hubby and a strong cup of coffee. It all started when hubby took over dealing with angry baby this morning and let me sleep like a college kid (see, Emma's not the only college kid in this house!) until 1pm. Not that I got a ton of sleep by any means, as I barely slept before 8am and was awakened many times between 8am and 1pm. But those few hours of sleep gave me the energy I needed to finally catch up on chores. Hubby also helped with the chores throughout the day as we took turns trying to soothe angry baby. So I managed to get some laundry done, finally seal, stamp, and send out the thank-you cards (yep, the same ones I've been working on for two and a half months now), and clip coupons.

Now let me tell you, these last few days have been hell. Emma has been increasingly fussy and we just can't figure out what it is other than some gas. But even then, I'm not completely convinced that it's the only thing contributing to this extremely fussy baby. She's not screaming all day, aside from her typical colicky behavior in the evening, but she's just fussy. She can't sleep calmly or quietly for longer than about a half hour at a time, at which point she starts wiggling around, grunting, squealing, and making a bunch of noise. Typically with eyes still shut, until she wakes herself up completely and begins to get increasingly upset until she cries. She started doing this earlier in the week, when she would wake up about an hour after her early morning feed and would fuss, so I would get up and rock her back to sleep and all would be well. Now it happens every hour all night long, but I'm having great difficulty getting her back to sleep at all. She did it all day long, too. We even put her in her swing, which usually puts her into a deep, coma-like sleep, but she still woke up and fussed. She was just lulled back to sleep by the swing instead of one of us having to pick her up and soothe her. So she may just end up sleeping in her swing tonight, although that makes me nervous for some reason. Probably because her motion sensing clip won't work in the swing, so the fear of her magically dying in the absence of a monitor creeps back into my mind.

I'm tempted to turn the baby monitor off tonight. I have to wonder if she's alright to just fuss a bit at night and if it's more harmful to me than her. With my bedroom door and her bedroom door open, I can easily hear her if she starts to cry, but it's harder to hear the fussing. Maybe she's just fine to fuss it out, and if she gets upset enough, I'll hear her and be able to tend to her. I have the monitor on now as I type while sitting in bed, and she's been fussing for the last ten minutes off and on. But for once, her fussing spells are shorter and she's actually sleeping in between them. Her little arms and legs just flail all over the place and I'm waiting for her to wake herself up.

So tonight, we shall try the following:

pacifier

swaddle with arms in (even though she typically doesn't like it and is a warm baby, we're going to try)

swing

stand on our heads

cry

Would I be a bad mom for turning off the monitor so I can sleep through her fussing? It's not like she would be crying alone all night, but there's nothing I can do when she's mostly asleep and just making a bunch of noise and moving all around. Right?

We did have some wonderful play time today, though. She is way too stinkin cute for her own good... hence the reason why she gets attacked with kisses all day. Even on her puke-y cheek. Diaper changes have become quite the interesting part of our day- sometimes she's so hungry that she cries pretty much the whole time. But lately she's been able to calm down enough to turn it into a chance to socialize and play. She has a pink puppy (thank, Kelly and Chris!) that I prop up on the side of the changing table of her pack n play and she smiles at that puppy like it's her best friend. She also smiles at me, which melts my heart. And now she's cooing and making cute little noises when she gets so happy that she can't hold it inside anymore, which also melts my heart. She woke up this afternoon and I thought she was hungry, but it turns out she was just pooping (and consequently wasn't finished, which I didn't realize until I was in the middle of changing her diaper. And formula-fed baby poop is super gross). So she was then awake but not angry from being hungry, so play time ensued. She smiled and cooed at her puppy for a bit, then I put her on the floor on a blanket and the real puppy came to play. Riley, the real puppy, thinks Emma is her new pal. A new pal that may be a chew toy... I have to watch her because she thinks flailing baby hands are play toys and I'm worried she's going to nibble on them one day. But for now, she just licks Emma's hands and sometimes her face, although I try to prevent the latter from happening as much as possible. But Emma smiles and coos at Riley, and Riley licks and sniffs Emma. But Riley gets a little too excited and tries pawing at Emma as if Emma is capable of petting her, so I usually have to swat Riley away at that point. Emma also apparently likes Riley's fluffy tail when it wags near her face... so play time today was extra cute and I could watch this kid smile and coo all day long. Jeez, how am I going to be when she can say "mommy?" 

Now she's getting more fussy. We're bordering on upset... it may be nearing the time when I try to employ the first of my things-to-try-tonight tactics: the pacifier. She usually only takes it when she's hungry, but she's been using it more often today. So I'll give that a try.

The one good thing about her fussing is that I know she's still alive if she's grunting. I'm so terrified of SIDS. She doesn't have her motion sensing clip on her diaper right now because hubby didn't put it on her before he fed her and I ended up holding her until I put her in her crib. But I was certainly not going to wake her up to put her clip on her after she finally went down quietly in her crib. So I started checking her monitor like a nutcase to see if she was breathing. Once she started fussing about a half hour later, the need to be a nutcase subsided. I've gotten plenty of condescending looks from experienced moms when I mention that I'm following the SIDS recommendations as much as possible (no loose blankets, stuffed animals, pillows, bumper pads, sleep positioners, etc in the crib and only back sleeping is allowed). But these are all parents who have kids who made it past the age when SIDS occurs, so of course they can call me silly for being a nutcase. They survived the phase, whether they followed the rules or not. But I could care less if they think I'm crazy. I'll be crazy for a year if that means I'll get to watch my kid grow up. And I'll be damned if something happens because of a stupid blanket or letting her sleep on her tummy.

I'm not quite sure if she's even able to get into a deep sleep anymore. She seems to be breathing a little too fast to be in a deep sleep, and I know she can't be sleeping too deeply if she's flailing and grunting so often. This can't be healthy for her.

It's going to be a long night.

But I have pictures!

Baby shorts!

Her pretty dress that she wore to visit Grandpa :) 

Emma and Riley, BFFs 

Look at me! I can hold up my head!

Emma the College Kid

Despite the ongoing lack of sleep and an increasingly fussy baby, there were lots of positive moments this week and I'm feeling quite okay overall. For those of you not familiar with me in my personal life, I'm an adoptions case manager. One of the best parts of my job is when I get to find a family for kids that are waiting to be placed for adoption... I had the privilege and enormous responsibility of finding a family for a sibling group of two amazing children the moment I returned to work from leave. I jumped right in and found what seems to be the perfect set of parents for them. I supervised a second visit between the children and the parents yesterday evening and almost found myself misty-eyed at the fact that this match has turned out so well. I'm such a sap these days. I also fought back tears a few times during my 13 1/2 hour road trip with a seventeen year old troubled teen and her baby. This is a kid who has bounced around in foster care for years and is one of those tragic stories we hear of all too often... at one point, she hated my guts and probably wanted me dead. She even saved my name in her phone as "piece of sh** case worker." Since becoming pregnant, she changed her attitude and started listening to me (finally!) and has grown and matured so much... during our road trip to look at apartments for her across the state, she started opening up to me about a lot of things that I never thought she'd say. I thought, my God, this kid trusts me. I ended my day with her on the receiving end of a hug and an "I love you, Miss Kelly." I wish everyone could understand the magnitude of that... this kid is notorious throughout our circuit because of her history and behavior. And here she is, using the word love. Directed at her piece of sh** case worker ;) It was a huge accomplishment to say the least, and again- I fought back tears. So to say that my job ended up being quite rewarding this week is an understatement- it makes all of the stressful days worthwhile.

So enough of my bleeding heart social worker talk. Onto the Emma monster. Still colicky. Still cheesy. Still really freakin' adorable. Today even included some sentimental firsts- I drove her to my parents' house for the first time so my mom could watch her while I got some work done without interruption (well, minimal interruption. At least I had two free hands) and I could get out of the house for a bit. My parents happen to still live in the same house they lived in when I was born, and for many years prior to that as well. So I had the rare opportunity to hold my daughter in what used to be my nursery when I was a baby, which was also the room that I grew up in. It was pretty surreal. Then we took her to my dad's store to surprise him and I dressed her up in a pretty yellow and orange dress that I've been dying to see her in. My dad was super excited to see her as he hadn't seen her since shortly after she came home from the NICU. She was probably about 6lbs then, and now she's over 10... before we left, she had been asleep for about 30 minutes when we woke her up to change her and pack her up into the car so I was worried that she'd be a grump. But no... she was a ham. A complete and total ham. She showed her grandpa how she can hold up her head, smile, coo, and look around at everything near her. She even looked directly at him and flashed her gummy little grin. She was just happy and content the whole time and made her grandpa (and mommy too!) very proud. It was super adorable. She always is.

We had two nights this week of 2:30am party time. I swear she's a college kid sometimes- she likes to party from 2:30am to 6am and then sleep for most of the morning after that. It's not fun when you have to work the next morning and there's no way on earth that you're going to get her to sleep when she doesn't want to. She's also been super fussy in her sleep, prompting me to get up every hour for the last couple of nights to rock her until she's asleep enough to put her back down. We're trying to transition her into her crib, and it's not going so well because she certainly isn't the biggest fan of it. She has too much freedom to roll around and it keeps her awake or startles her out of a sound sleep... I'm trying to figure out the safest way of making her more comfortable in her crib without causing a SIDS risk. *sigh*

Emma and the puppy have become best friends now and had quite the little play session on Wednesday (9/26). I put Emma on her playmat and she was all excited and happy, at which point the puppy came over to sniff and play. Emma just stared at the puppy and smiled, and the puppy decided it would be fun to lick the baby's face, hands, and feet. Basically, any exposed skin was getting the dog tongue treatment and it made the baby smile even more. Then the puppy realized that the baby was enjoying this, so puppy rolled over on her side next to the baby as if the baby was capable of petting her belly. Silly dog. She really hasn't a clue that not everything on earth will/can pet her belly. But she'll sure try to make that happen. So now they're the best of friends and I think it's so adorable that the puppy has accepted her so well. I was worried she'd be jealous... oh, and Emma also took a liking to my parents' dog today and flashed the same amused smile at their dog a few times this afternoon. So apparently she likes dogs.

Developmentally, she's doing amazing. She's meeting most of the milestones for her actual age and is progressing more and more every day. Physically, she seems to be doing wonderfully and is getting so strong, especially when it comes to holding up her head. She'll be walking in no time ;) lol.

And finally, I'm so glad she's off her monitor! And thank God for the Snuza Halo, because I can actually sleep without worrying about whether or not she's still breathing. Ok, fine. I still worry. But not to the point where I'm posted up next to her crib silently listening for breath sounds. I love my wireless baby.

So I guess that's it for now. I have a headache so I'm not able to form very many coherent thoughts right now. I also have to give the baby a bath so I can hopefully get her in bed at a reasonable time tonight and crash myself. I'm so exhausted, I don't know how I'm even able to type right now.

Emma v2.0

My last post talked about weaning ourselves from Emma's monitor. Consider us weaned.

We went to the pediatrician today for Emma's 2 month well child/first round of shots visit. First let me say this: I love our pediatrician's office. There's a nurse there that just adores Emma and is always super friendly and happy. On top of that, the pediatrician is amazing and also seems to adore Emma. Anyone who loves my baby is a-ok in my book. So the nurse brought us back and told us how anxious she was to get the baby on the scale and see how much she's grown, adding that it looked like I was feeding her Miracle Gro or something. I chuckled to myself because I made a comment about her being my Miracle Gro baby in one of my previous posts. While hubby was undressing the baby and unhooking her from the monitor, the nurse again commented on how big she looks... I told her Emma was wearing a 3 month size outfit, and briefly told her about all of Emma's milestone achievements. We got her on the scale and I was hoping she'd be at least 9 1/2 pounds- I figured her growth would have slowed down now that she's not on her rice cereal anymore. Oh, how wrong I was. She weighed in at TEN pounds 3oz!!! I had another victory lap urge, but this time I resisted the urge for the fact that it would have been a little awkward and inappropriate in a doctor's office. Hmph. I can never get in a good victory lap these days. She's actually on the growth chart for her actual age now- she had been measuring in less than the fifth percentile at her last appointment. Now she's up to the 25th percentile for her actual age and is in the 86th percentile for her adjusted age (2 weeks and 4 days). At this rate, she should be measuring on target for her actual age by her 4th month! It's incredible progress, and the nurse said she has never seen a preemie make progress like this before. I'm such a proud momma! The only milestones she hasn't met yet (for her actual age) are laughing and cooing. She's on the verge of laughing at times, so it won't be long before her toothless grin is accompanied by a little chuckle. Keep in mind, she's technically only 2 weeks old. Anything that goes by her actual age instead of her adjusted age is pretty huge- so she's basically about a month and a half to two months ahead of her adjusted age with most of her milestones and about a month ahead in weight. Does that make sense? In short, she's amazing.

I told the nurse that we've been feeding her Enfamil Gentlease and that I'm nursing her as often as she'll let me, but she's not really getting enough for it to count towards her daily food intake. We went back into the exam room where she asked me some developmental questions and left until the doctor came in. Emma eagerly took a bottle and finished just in time for the doctor to come in. We asked her if we could have Emma taken off the monitor, with the expectation that she'd be hesitant, especially since Emma had an event just this morning. But much to our surprise, she wholeheartedly agreed with our position on the monitor right away. With no hesitation, she said she would write the order to discontinue the monitor and told us that she wondered about how helpful/necessary it is to send a preemie home with a monitor in the first place. So with that, our Emma was upgraded to the wireless version: Emma v2.0.

Tonight will be our first night without her monitor on her. It's sitting on the floor next to her pack n play but we aren't even going to use it for sleeping time anymore- we're done. The belt that holds the leads on her body has been irritating her skin and it's just a pain in the butt in general. But we don't have to worry about that anymore! However, we have been using her Snuza Halo today while she's napping for some peace of mind. Without it, I'd need a heavy dose of Xanax to keep me calm because I still felt some strong anxiety even with that thing clipped on her. I checked it a few times to make sure it was still working. Again- I can't shake the feeling that she's going to stop breathing and die if she doesn't have a working monitor on her.

Speaking of which, this SIDS thing is some serious business. I know many parents don't follow every recommendation and cave when they have a screaming baby that just wants to lie on their tummy/side. But, to be blunt, I'll be damned if something happens to this baby that could have easily been prevented. After everything we've been through, the last thing I want is to lose this miracle over poor sleeping conditions.

I've realized in the past few months just how much of a miracle she really is. Not only was I never supposed to be pregnant, but she was delivered so early. Without modern medicine, none of this would have happened. I still think it's cruel irony that someone who wanted to be a mother so badly that it hurt was not meant to have children. I know that phrase is a big no-no in the infertility community- don't ever tell an infertile that she's not meant to have children. Also don't tell her to just relax and she'll get pregnant, or start adoption proceedings because she'll then get pregnant. Trust me on the latter one- I'm an adoptions worker. I work with lots of families who have adopted and, surprise! None of them magically got pregnant. Anyways, the point of this little rabbit trail is this: there are things you don't say to an infertile. In the case of the "not meant to be pregnant" phrase: let that woman come to that conclusion on her own. If someone had said that to me while I was in the throes of infertility treatments, I probably would have punched them directly in the throat. But now, looking back, I realize that it's true; I'm not meant to be pregnant. So the fact that  there's a sweet little baby girl hiccuping and breathing while sitting on my husband's lap a few feet away from me is nothing short of a miracle.

I love baby bath time. I'm trying to make it a point to bathe her every night if she seems up for it, partly because I love giving her a bath and partly because I'm trying to slowly form a bedtime routine with her. Right now it's bath, swaddle, bottle, bed. She seems to like it so far. Actually, she loves her bath and my hands have been appreciating the moisturizing Aveeno baby wash since I've been washing and using hand sanitizer so often lately. She's also had a few good nights lately- she still gets very fussy in the evening but we've discovered that she calms down quite a bit if we give her something to occupy her, and at times she realizes a little while after she stops eating that she was still a little hungry. In fact, her playmat seems to make her drunk with happiness... she sat under it for about an hour the other night and hubby reported that she was happy as a clam. Prior to that, she was crying and fussing. It's like magic. All week, she slept in increments of 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 hours at night, which is a major improvement from before. Previously, she would eat every 3 hours, and sometimes more frequently than that at night. So by the time she was done eating, she'd sleep for about 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 hours and then be up again to eat, rendering me quite exhausted. But now she'll sleep for about 4 to 4 1/2 hours after her bath/swaddle/bottle/bed and then typically another 3 1/2 hours after that. She's awake more during the day, and I think that accounts for some of her better nighttime sleeping habits. Granted, I'm waiting for the day when she suddenly reverses this and decides it's more fun to act like a college kid and stay up all night and sleep all day. It's going to happen. I know it.

Picture time. It's the best part of this blog, obviously.

 Here's the magical playmat and the baby in a trance.

 She happens to have a Grammy who not only has a great sense of style, but finds awesome clothes for good prices. This also happens to be a three month sized outfit!

See how much my baby has grown?! The first picture was taken not long after she came home, and she was wearing preemie sized footie pj's. The second picture was taken today, 9/21, and her legs are scrunched up a bit more than they were in the first picture. Also notice the lack of wires! She was around 18 1/2" in the first picture and today she measured 21". Miracle Gro miracle ;)

Monitor Weaning

Holy baby vomit. Or should I say, holy projectile baby vomit. There was no warning either- she wasn't overfed or overstimulated. She was just cuddling with me in her nursery after she refused a second ounce of formula. It was a little early for her to eat, but she didn't want to stay asleep after I put her in her pack n play and began acting hungry. So there I sat, in my glider, when suddenly... whoosh. It was like a warm fountain of baby vomit that gushed directly from her mouth all over my neck, shoulder, chest, arm, and the glider. It was cool. Not. But hey- I made sure to get a shower tonight! Make that two... one just happened to be stinkier than the other.

Dare I say it- last night was a good night and today was a good day. I know what that means, though- it means tonight is going to be horrific and I'm going to stumble into my in-laws' house tomorrow half asleep as I drop her off for the afternoon so I can work in the field. Hubby went to bed early after having an exhausting night the night before, and I woke Emma up at 10:00 for a bath. I gave her a bottle and she drifted off to sleep, and managed to stay asleep for four hours. When she woke me up at 3:30 for another bottle, I was shocked when I realized what time it was. She ended up having an erratic feeding schedule today, going no more than 2 1/2 hours between feeds which is unusual for her. She's usually an every-three-hour feeder, like clockwork. Despite her frequent meals, she was pretty even tempered and there was no screaming involved during the day. She's been excessively fussy tonight after puking all over me, though. I think I have the right to be excessively fussy too, since I was showered in baby vomit and had to sit there all sticky and stinky while hubby finished up washing dishes so he could take her while I showered. Regardless, I think I'm in for a long night of fussiness and no sleep. Hooray!

Oh, god. My dog smells awful. Poor thing.

I think it's pretty darned awesome that Emma seems to be so much more aware of things now. She actually stares at things, follows things, and reacts at times. The best part is that she's aware of us now- she knows who we are and likes looking at us, especially when we feed her. I can't help but look on in awe when I realize that there are new synapses forming in that little brain of hers every second of the day as she looks, learns, and grows. That would be the neuroscience dork part of me... it's fascinating, you have to admit! Sadly, I can't imagine that I'm going to be able to go back and get my Master's degree after all. At least not any time soon... unless someone who's independently wealthy would like to finance my tuition for me. Hah. Wishful thinking.

Her doctor's appointment is on Friday... so we may walk out with a script to d/c the monitor. I'm excited about not having that darned thing tied to the baby. I'm also excited that she won't have to wear that belt that the sensors attach to- it's cheese factory number 2, with factory number 1 being her neck. I got her extra clean in her bath last night so she was only mildly ripe today. Anyways, I have this completely illogical fear of her being off the monitor... while I really want her off of it, I really don't at the same time. I understand that the monitor merely tells us when something happens, but for some reason I feel like it's preventing something from happening. I know it's not, but I have this feeling that she'll just stop breathing if she's not on her monitor. Ugh. She's had wires and leads hooked up to her for 10 weeks and suddenly we're faced with the prospect of her having nothing. Well, nothing except for the movement/respiration monitor we bought off of Amazon ;) because I'm super paranoid like that. But good God, can you blame me?! After all we've been through, I'll be darned if I don't do everything within reason to keep this miracle alive and watch her grow. Even if it means being a crazy mom who clips a motion sensor on her kid's pj's at night when she's already in elementary school. lol. *sigh* I'm trying to wean myself of the monitor- I tried letting her nap in her crib this afternoon without it, with me sitting in the glider next to the crib working. But she wouldn't stay in the crib and realized that she was hungry- go figure. I tried, though!

Speaking of weaning... I think our breastfeeding days are numbered. She doesn't want to nurse anymore and really fights me about it. I can sometimes get her to go for it, but she lasts for no more than about 7 minutes and won't take the second side. I'm not going to give up, though- I'll let her determine when we're done. I'm guessing that my supply will dwindle to nothing if she continues to refuse to nurse but until then, I'll keep trying with her.

Pictures, go!

"No pictures today, please. I'm feeling fat." 

 Her first real nap in her crib on 9/15

 After much fussing and rolling around, she got in her usual comfortable sleeping position.

 She's still pretty tiny, even though she seems huge to me!

Fighting to stay awake, but it was a losing battle.

Alright- I may attempt to hop in bed for a short bit before it's time to feed her again. It's probably a terrible idea, but apparently I'm really good at making awful decisions so I'm just going to go with it and see what happens. Because... science. The end.

Let's Do the Time Warp Again

This may end up being an epic blog post... but not epic due to content, rather, epic due to length. If you're yet to have children, it'll probably leave you realizing how awesome and free your life is and how lucky you are to be able to sleep. If you've had children already, it'll likely have you saying "ah, I remember those days." And if you're like me and have a new baby, you'll probably be nodding your head and mumbling under your breath "preach on, girl." Definitely mumbling though- can't wake the baby!

Having a new baby puts you in some sort of time warp, at least if you're a mom. Dads seem to be somewhat immune to the effect. But it seems like I can set out with the best of intentions for my day and plenty of time to accomplish it to boot, but I will never ever accomplish anything I plan to do. If I'm lucky, I may cross one thing off my list and partially cross off another. I don't know what it is, really... when you do the math, it appears that there are hours of free time every day to get stuff done- I mean it only takes about an hour to feed her and then there are usually two hours left before the next feed. The problem is that she's colicky now and needs to be held much more than she used to, and she's much more fussy than she's ever been. Add to that the fact that she's spending more time awake during the day and you have the exact ingredients needed for the time warp. I had a bit of a temper tantrum last night when hubby went to bed because I hadn't gotten much of anything accomplished all weekend. Sunday nights are that awful time when you realize that there's a long week ahead of you. For me, it means five long days and sleepless nights before I have two days to try to squeeze in as many chores and tasks as possible. The problem is that I also try to get some sleep, but there's certainly not enough time for sleep and getting things accomplished. I finally finished laundry and ironing tonight after being about a week behind and buried in clothes covered in spit up and pee. I felt like running a victory lap around the house when I finished, but I suddenly realized how bad my back (and subsequently my legs too... stupid sciatica) was hurting. I also think there's a high probably that one of the following would happen: I would either a) trip and fall on my face b) fall flat on my face from sheer exhaustion c) run face first into a wall. Regardless, my face would get injured because that's the kind of luck I've been having lately.

Speaking of luck... what the heck, universe? Did I not pay my dues from struggling with infertility for the better part of two years, being on hospital bed rest for four weeks, and having a 32 weeker in the NICU for three weeks that came home on a monitor? Now we have to throw a screaming colicky baby in the mix?

It's turning me into a screaming, colicky mommy. I'm trying so hard to keep it together but there are many a moment when the stress, frustration, and exhaustion come out in the form of whining and the occasional temper tantrum. I'm being candid here because I feel like most parents deny having those moments out of pride. I call foul. My mom reminded me that most people who claim to have had easy babies and breezed right through the newborn days were probably lying. Liar, liar pants on fire. Not me- I apparently like to bare my soul on the blogosphere for all to read. But it's certainly therapeutic for me and hey... maybe it's a good form of birth control for some.

Her colic pattern is starting to change day-by-day. She had two nights of shorter periods of screaming/crying/fussiness and she's been either super fussy or super sleepy during the day.

Two things happened yesterday: she pooped all over hubby's shirt (it was really bad) and then she kept me up all. night. long. Well, technically it was this morning, but she got up to eat at 2:30am and didn't go back to sleep until 5:30am. I had a series of temper tantrums and meltdowns until hubby got up at 5 to take over so I could rest since I had to go into work this morning. It was horrible and I was so frustrated at not being able to get any sleep at all.

So I know I'm complaining a lot, but keep in mind that the complaining is reserved for the exhaustion and lack of getting things done. This little screaming, farting, laundry maker is my whole life and the center of my universe. She's so stinking cute that I shower her with kisses all day long, and sometimes it really seems to annoy her. She had better get used to it because those cheeks are so kissable that there's no way I'm ever going to stop. I also love how she's so reactive now- she clearly focuses in on things and it's interesting to see what holds her attention and what bores her to death. It's also so awesome when she focuses in on my face and stares into my eyes... I'm fascinated with the fact that she knows who I am and recognizes me now. She's yet to flash a full smile at me- I've gotten a half smile so far. My shirt has gotten a full smile. Go figure.

She spent the day at Grammy and Pop's house today... it was the first time that she's been left with someone other than myself or hubby at a place other than home. And only the second time ever that she's been babysat. I'm just so thankful to have family that are so willing to help out and enjoy spending time with my fussy baby!

Our next trip to the pediatrician is on Friday (9/21). We're going to have a conversation about getting her off the monitor- fingers crossed! I think she's gone 8 days without a brady now, but I don't think we need the monitor regardless. We know when she's brady-ing, monitor or no monitor, and she doesn't get them unless we're feeding her and she chokes. Only a few times has she choked on spitup while she wasn't eating, but those events are few and far between and she apparently is able to breathe again without our assistance. At this point, the monitor is just peace of mind that she's still alive when she's sleeping peacefully. We have to wean ourselves at some point... and it is really nice to utilize her nursery to feed her, especially now that we moved the TV from the bedroom in there. And my Little Castle glider is a little slice of heaven. One that shall soon be covered in baby vomit, much like the rest of my house.

I am so excited for Christmas this year! I know Emma won't have a clue as to what is going on, but I think it'll be so magical for our little family to have our first Christmas together. I just love that we're a family of three now. And that the third member of our family is the most adorable and squeezably cute little baby that has ever existed!

Colic. Ugh.

Wanna know how awesome my week has been? I started this blog post about three days ago and I'm just now getting around to finishing it. The culprit? Colic. Read on...
*this part was written a few days ago:

Coffee has become an additional food group for me... for those who know me well, you know that I'm caffeine sensitive and coffee has long been my nemesis. I took a few sips (ok, gulps) of a Mountain Dew before retiring to bed last night and hubby asked if that was a good idea... I'm so sleep deprived that I was able to fall asleep at just about the same time my head hit the pillow. Luckily for me, hubby did the late night feed so I could get a few consecutive hours of sleep, and took two feeds this morning so I could get even more sleep. Wahoo! I think I got more sleep last night than the last three nights combined, and it was wonderful.

I have a confession to make: I used to judge parents who had babies with flat heads. Blame it on being a social worker- I was indoctrined to think that a flat head meant that the parents didn't hold the baby enough and left him/her lying down or in a car seat all day. In dependency, flat head= bad parent. And... my baby has a flat head. So now I realize the err of my judgment, as Emma is certainly held a lot and isn't left to be babysat by her crib or a bouncy seat. Aside from the fact that preemies are very susceptible to flat spots on their heads, my little snuggle bear happens to strongly prefer to sleep with her head facing to the right, whether we put her to sleep with her head facing to the left or not. In fact, I've propped up one side of the little "newborn napper" in her pack-n-play to see if that would encourage her to face the left. Nope. Emma: 1, Mommy: 0. Bah! So we've ordered the Boppy Noggin Nest, which is supposed to help correct the issue. Prior to being a mommy, I thought the Boppy brand was probably one of those overpriced hyped up brands that wasn't actually worth it. But let me say this, as someone who clearly isn't getting paid for it, that the Boppy stuff is awesome. We have the boppy pillow, which I literally cannot live without. Then we bought the Boppy Newborn Lounger, which is great to use when we're not at home so she doesn't have to sit in her carseat and for when I need to do something (usually work) and don't have time to hold her upright in my arms for 30 minutes after feeding her. But she doesn't sleep in it ;) Anyways- we'll see how the Noggin Nest works out... and these things were all surprisingly cheaper than the same products from other brands. I heart Boppy.

I also happen to love what I believe to be the Walmart brand (Parent's Choice) bibs. The tags don't have the brand on them, but I think I recall them being Parent's Choice. Regardless, they're perfect for my messy bottle baby because they're absorbent terry cloth. More expensive isn't always best!

We've had a rough couple of days... sadly, Emma appears to be growing more and more colicky as the days wear on. It was textbook colic the first night- after her early evening feed, she became completely inconsolable and cried and screamed like she was in a significant amount of discomfort. Nothing we can do makes it better- we just have to wait until she wears herself out so she can sleep. The first night, she had a bout of colic for about two or three hours and then I was finally able to nurse her to sleep. Last night, the first bout lasted a shorter amount of time, but she's had an episode after pretty much every feed since. She just cries and screams, then calms down, then cries and screams... over and over until she's so tired she finally falls asleep. I could see it coming from a mile away yesterday- after I fed her in the afternoon, she seemed a bit fussy and it took her much longer than usual to fall asleep. We ordered pizza and wings and hunkered down for a night of screaming. It breaks my heart, because she just looks up at me like she's saying "mommy, help!" But I can't help. We've tried everything, too- bouncing, walking, rocking, diaper pats, shushing, lying her down, swaddling, swinging, tummy time. I imagine we're going to try driving around the neighborhood tonight. Maybe it'll rain this evening so it'll be cool enough to put her in the stroller and take a walk. We'll see...

This working from home thing is not all it's cracked up to be... it's exhausting and stressful. I spend my whole day feeding the baby, holding the baby, working, repeat. And because I have to get in my eight hours of work each day, this ends up lasting about twelve hours total. I have no time to do anything I actually want to do, and by the time the weekend rolls around, I have to catch up on laundry and house cleaning. Heck, I barely even have time to shower or brush my teeth. Or eat.

The bradys came back, but still not as bad as they had been. I'm so ready for her to be off her monitor, though. It really sucks that sitting in her nursery with her is a treat- I'm ready to be able to carry her around the house without having to unplug her and carry her monitor with me. Although it is nice that she can sleep soundly in her pack n play and I dont' have to worry about whether or not she's breathing. But that's why we have our Snuza Halo! It clips onto her diaper and will alarm if she stops breathing. I had Emma at the office with me one day and a coworker and I were joking around about us keeping her on a monitor forever, just so I don't ever have to worry about whether or not she's breathing. My coworker joked that she would be a teenager going on a date and would have to take her monitor off in the car when she was out of my sight. That'll never happen- she's not allowed to date until she's married ;) lol. I know most first time moms are paranoid about SIDS, but after all we've been through... I can't even think about it. Speaking of SIDS- we're getting too comfortable with her being on the monitor in the respect that we've broken some SIDS rules, like putting her to sleep on her belly a couple of times and having a rolled up blanket in her bassinet with her.

*Aaaaaaaaannnnndddd commence blogging in the present tense!*

I really do think we're dealing with colic here... I know the "rule of threes" which means three or more hours of crying per day, three or more days per week, for at least three weeks... and it hasn't been three weeks. In fact, it's only been one. One week that has almost been the death of me. So she technically isn't considered to be truly colicky for another two weeks, but I highly doubt I'll be around by that time as I'm fairly certain new mommies in my situation perish prior to the end of those three weeks. I think there's something about infant crying that causes premature death for moms. Or something like that. Anyways, I've done tons and tons of research, as is typical 90210 fashion (side note: no one calls me 90210 anymore! I miss my old Baycare child welfare peeps. They were the only ones who truly get me. Hmph) and I've noticed a few things: for one, it seems that the majority of people believe that a breastfeeding mom's diet has everything to do with gas and colic. In the age of modern research, it would appear that this has been proven false. Also, there's a big push lately about milk protein allergies in babies, to the point where pediatricians put breastfeeding moms on strict no-dairy diets and put formula-fed infants on crazy expensive formula that no one can possibly afford. It turns out that a milk protein allergy is very rare, though, but you wouldn't know it by the eleventy billion forum posts by moms who are driving themselves nuts on a dairy-free diet or pinching pennies to afford their $25/can formula. My conclusion: we still don't know what causes colic, and we're just trying to adjust the one thing we have control over, which is the diet of the baby either via the mom's diet when breastfeeding or by changing the formula. There's little else we can control with a screaming little one who can't tell us what hurts.

That's my challenge... I just can't figure out which end hurts. Or maybe it's her middle that hurts? I'm guessing it's one of the ends- either gas or reflux. Good lord, it could be both for all I know. I do know that she tenses up, does little baby crunches (she's going to have a rockin' six pack soon), turns bright red, screams/cries/whimpers, and starts flailing her little arms and kicking her chunky legs. The arm flailing usually results in some serious mommy abuse as she generally starts punching me in the chest with her free arm while I'm holding her. Generally one arm is mostly pinned between her and I, and luckily that one is rendered useless in her attacks on me. She also grabs hold of my hair and pulls pretty darned hard. Have I mentioned that she has raptor nails? And that those nails scratch the crap out of my arm and chest while she's nursing? At this point, it would be natural to ask what I ever did to her to deserve this, but I know the answer to that question: my body pretty much waged war on her while I was pregnant. So her little baby punches are warranted, in my opinion, and certainly nothing compared to having the living daylights squeezed out of you by a uterus all day long.

My mom came over today to watch Emma for a few hours while I did a deposition for work. It was the first time anyone other than hubby and I watched her, so needless to say I was quite anxious. Add to that the fact that I have had two super stressful days at work this week and Emma didn't let me sleep last night, and I almost had a complete nervous breakdown this morning. In fact, I had a mommy meltdown the other day and a big mommy meltdown in the wee hours of the morning. Emma finally went to bed at midnight and I stumbled into bed myself- unbrushed teeth, no shower, and I had to pee. But I went straight to bed. At 2:30, she woke me up to feed her, and that was the end of sleeping for this mommy. She would not, for any reason, calm down or go back to sleep. I tried everything that usually works for her, and a lot of things that usually don't work for her. Nothing made her sleepy enough to go to bed. I ended up feeding her 2oz of formula every hour because she would keep getting hungry but wouldn't eat more than that at one time. I started melting down around 4:00, and hubby offered to help. I refused because he had to be up at 6am. By 5am, I was done. I just couldn't do it anymore... hubby came out to hold her and I practically ran into the room, shut the door, and cried myself to sleep. I felt like a failure, a bad mommy, and the overall sense of complete exhaustion made me want to crawl into a hole for the next three years. Oh, and we had Chinese takeout for dinner and I felt super nauseous and shaky the whole time. Woohoo.

My mom arrived at 8am and I briefly told her about my night. She made that empathetic face that moms are so good at. I got myself ready and gave her the instructions on the cardiorespiratory monitor and showed her where we keep everything. I finally got up the courage to leave but felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack during the whole country drive. So many cows. I called the instant I was finished with my deposition and my mom cheerfully told me that Emma was just fine and was lying down in her pack n play taking a nap. She propped her up so she was lying on her side, and she was happy as a sleepy clam. My mom told me to take my time getting home, she had it covered. I brought home a sandwich for us to share while the baby napped. My mom strongly urged me to lie down for a little bit before my phone conference but I figured I'd fall into a deep coma and wouldn't emerge until it was far too late. But I did retire to my room and laid in bed during the conference. I could hear my mom talking to the baby pretty much the whole time, and when I was done, she said she had fed her and Emma was doing just fine. My mom was in the process of some pretty serious baby entertaining and then it happened. Emma flashed her first real smile. Right at her grandma, who couldn't have been happier. Thank God I was there to see her do it :)

And this is where I leave you. There's so much more to say, but I need to take a shower and rinse off this funk before I settle in for a long night of baby soothing and not sleeping. Kind of like the not sleeping that happens with Emma's Boppy stuff.

Cheesy Fatty Poopy Pants

Finally. Finally I have finished my thank-you cards from the baby shower... almost two months after the fact. But I feel like people should understand, and if there are any hard feelings, then maybe their priorities are backwards? I'm just so glad I don't have to worry about it again... hooray! Now to buy stamps so I can mail them out!

I hesitate to say it, because you know how awesome I am when it comes to jinxing myself, but Emma has had a really great couple of days. She seems to be feeling better in some ways and her brady's have continued to be few and far between. She had one random one this morning when she spit up and choked while I was carrying her from the couch to her pack n play to put her back in bed. Otherwise, she's been doing so well with her bradys. Her reflux seems to be a smidge better too- she's not arching her back, grunting, and turning red quite so much after she eats. Although she has been bottle feeding like a complete moron lately... lol. But for some reason, she almost forgets to swallow or something and half of the formula dribbles out of her mouth and down the front of her. Even with the gratuitous use of a bib, she still gets crusty onesies and a serious case of milk neck. And milk neck leads directly into cheesiness. She has been acting a bit weird lately- she's been crying when she poops (poor baby!) and just today she would cry from being so hungry, yet she would suddenly be too sleepy to eat. I would be more worried if she hadn't eaten so much and been awake so much yesterday.

I've discovered that she hates having her nose suctioned out, but good lord this kid has some gigantic boogers. Like semi-truck sized.

She smells like cheese most of the time. It's not so bad when she's at cheddar level, but once we reach feta, it's definitely bath time. Last night, we dubbed her "cheesy fatty poopy pants." And that pretty much sums her up, minus the grunting.

I woke up this morning loving my daughter. It was time for her to eat again, so I tried to nurse her, yet she refused. After she finished her bottle, I held her as I usually do but this time she was very calm and alert. I looked down at her and she started gazing at my face and then we locked eyes. And we both sat there staring into each other's eyes, mine welling up with tears. Everything changed in that moment. Love doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about her. And now I feel like she sees me, she knows who I am, and she loves me back. Being a mommy just went to a whole new level for me.

So I've learned that there are some things that never fail:
When I sit down and start nursing/bottle feeding the baby, the dog has to go outside. Like, she'll pee/poop on the carpet if she doesn't go out. She practically does the potty dance (AKA the piddly-jig) and you can just tell that she has to go or she'll explode.

I can put Emma in bed after feeding her in the middle of the night and she'll be so calm, quiet, and completely asleep. But at some point between the time I turn off the faucet after washing her bottle and when my head hits the pillow, she'll start fussing and making noise. It's practically a guarantee, to the point where I worry if she's still quiet by the time I get to the bedroom door.

If I sit down to write out thank-you cards (which I don't have to do anymore! Yay!), the baby will be instantly hungry. Even if I fed her two minutes ago.

If I forget to put her burp cloth/cloth diaper up against my shirt, she'll puke all over me. If I remember it, she won't puke at all.
*end list* :)

Yesterday was her due date! So we finally get to drop her gestational age, and she now only has her actual age and her adjusted age, which will remain until she's two years old. It's just so strange to think about everything that has transpired, especially now that we're sinking into a routine with her and getting used to her being here with us. But to think back to when she was struggling to breathe, when she had so many tubes and wires coming off of her tiny, fragile body, and when my heart ached for her to come home so I could hold her in my arms. Now we just need to ditch this monitor and all will be well!

We had a busy day yesterday, starting with her due date photos with my friend, who happens to be an amazing photographer. We had just enough time to get ready and packed and head to my in-laws' house for dinner... I love going over there because they're so much fun to talk to and we always have a great time. It's also really nice to get out of the house and have someone else hold the baby so we can move about freely :)

Aaaaaannnnndddd pictures!

 She's like a grumpy old man if she hasn't had her coffee.

 She's a tiny philosopher.

 "Tell me I'm beautiful."

 Trying the upside down football hold for gas. She looks amused in this picture, but she really wasn't.

 Mommy and baby hands :)

After her bath. She's so darned cute in a hooded towel!