2015

Moment of honesty: I struggled with the idea of writing this post this year. I figured I'd skip the yearly tradition for fear that my post would be dominated by bitterness from being in the midst of the divorce process. But I put on my big girl panties...

Here is what I will say: divorce sucks. For everyone. I have never felt such pain and heartache in my life, and it's not over yet. I have good weeks and bad weeks, days that I feel I may break and never be whole again, and days that I know I'll be alright at the end of this. I may struggle to trust someone for a very long time, and I know I will never be the same. I'm grieving the loss of my promise of forever, my visions of happily-ever-after, my financial stability, and my intact family. But I'm also gaining the chance of being truly happy, and appreciated, and loved. I have the opportunity to find myself again and not settle for anything less than what I deserve. I will trust again. I will love and be loved. And I will be happy.

After this hard part is over.

Pardon my blog French, but I've been through some shit in my life. Like hysterectomy at 27 kind of shit. And worse things that I'd rather not announce to the world, but you get the idea. I am the girl who dreamt of being a mother and had to fight to make it happen, and then watch as my hopes of having more than one child slowly slipped through my fingers and dissipated into thin air.

So I know that this too shall pass, and one day I'll look back on these dark days and be glad that they're over. I spent countless days sitting on my couch feeling helpless as my tiny preemie would turn blue and stop breathing in my hands and wondering if she'd ever take another breath. Seconds stretched out into what seemed like hours and I thought my life would freeze in those days that would clearly never end. But they did end, and now they are distant memories. These days of being stuck in torturous limbo will some day be distant memories as well. The pain will fade and the anger will be worked out... this I know for sure.

I also know that I will not roll over and wait to die. I am not that kind of person. I will, however, cry and whine. I will shout from the rooftops that what is happening to me is just not fair because it isn't fair at all. I will take melodramatic bubble baths with tears streaming down my face while listening to sad Mariah Carey songs (pass me the wine bottle, please. No need for a glass). I will lean on the shoulders of the people who choose to love me, and I will put one foot in front of the other. I will still be sarcastic and witty, I'll still smile a genuine smile because dammit, there's still a lot to smile about. I'll also curse a lot because that's just what I do.

And that's where I'm at. I'm having my struggles as a result of being hurt and I've cried more over the last week than I've cried over the last couple of years. But as I sat thinking tonight, and debating about making my New Year's post, I thought about what would be my favorite memory from the year. And when I struggled to pick just one, I realized that even though this year was shit-tastic in so many ways, there were still so many things that I had to smile about. And that's why I'm writing this tonight- to remind myself of the positives from this year. Just focus on the positives, KT.

Ahem. *cracks knuckles*

I will have to start by saying that this year was a bit of a year of self-discovery for me. I spent some time doing things alone. Took two solo trips to MD to see my best friend and thoroughly enjoyed doing things on my own. I remembered my love of being outdoors, which resulted in two mountain hiking trips, and three camping trips. And a bunch of nature walking days, and caving twice. Which all reminded me that I absolutely hate spiders, which are hell-spawn creatures that have no place in my life. I should invest in a flame thrower. And grenades. But apparently I looked darned adorable when flailing and shrieking because of a surprise spider.



"1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?

2014 answer: too many things I didn't want to do, that's for sure. But I took my first solo plane flight and first solo trip out of state! And it was marvelous.
2015 answer: rode the DC metro by myself. Picked a random bar in a strange city by myself.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
2014: I don't make New Year's resolutions, for good reason.
2015: ^^ what she said^^

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-2014:Yep! One of my best friends had her second kiddo recently and she's so stinking adorable I can't handle it.
2015: tons of people, it was the year of cute and squishy babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
2014:  "No. And I'm so completely grateful for another year without a significant loss." that was my answer from last year, and it still stands this year. Whew.
2015: another year without a loss, and I'm so grateful for that.

5. What countries did you visit?
2014: 'Merica.
2015: Yeah still America, and Chmurica. 

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
-2014 answer: "Free time. My job has consumed my life, and I'm regretting the lack of 'me time'" was my answer from last year. Completed. New job, more free time. Yay! This year's answer: I'd like to have my health back. And more happiness. Less tears.
2015: definitely would like more happiness and less tears. More time spent with people I love. More smiles. 

7. What date from 2015 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
2014: 3/11/14, my first biopsy; 3/14/14- getting the "we have your biopsy results and you need to come in as soon as possible and bring your husband" phone call; 4/24/14- my first surgery; 4/25/14- Emma has a seizure; 5/2/14- the "cancer... remission... oncologist" visit with my doctor; 6/17- my hysterectomy, 7/2- bleeding profusely and going into shock.
None of those are good dates. 2014 sucked.
2015: 8/28... the day we separated. Sigh.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
2014: I got another promotion at work! Livin' the good life now. Oh, and I didn't die. I feel like, considering the crap I went through this year, that's a huge effin' accomplishment. And I'm pretty sure I champed through my surgeries like a boss... I was up and walking around within a couple of hours of coming out of anesthesia after my hysterectomy. LIKE A BOSS. And potty training the kiddo. *bicep flex*
2015: I survived in one piece. Made some good strides with my job. Didn't murder anyone! 

9. What was your biggest failure?
2014: Being healthy? Not bleeding profusely after a surgical procedure? Finishing the damn artwork I've been working on for Emma's room.
2015: relationships.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
2014: Obvious answer here. Moving along...
2015: Illness for sure. Still no answers, and probably years of tests and doctor's appointments ahead of me yay!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
-2014: Wow these were much easier to answer last year... hmmmm. I guess my iPhone 6. 
2015: My couch? That's such an adult answer, ugh.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-2014: A lot of people, actually... my big brother, who always checked in with me to make sure I was ok, and was genuinely concerned for my health. We haven't always been close, but over the last few years he's been so supportive in my most trying times. My in-laws, who were always willing to watch the baby so we could have a break. My step-mother-in-law, who came up to our house on short notice at like 10:00 at night (when she had to work the next day!) so someone could be with the baby overnight without having to wake her up, so Josh could rush me to the cancer center while I was bleeding out (literally, omg still traumatized by that). My parents, who also helped tremendously with watching the kiddo during the week and driving up to my office to pick her up and drop her off, which was so helpful. And my mom for making an hour-long drive to my house a few times to watch the baby so I could rest and recover. Some of my coworkers, who supported me when I was sick, let me vent when I was stressed out, and made me laugh on my darkest days. 
2015: My best friend, Lauren, for always being there for me and loving the worst parts of me. For never judging me, and never making me feel like a bad person. And those who quite literally swooped in and helped me pick up my pieces, gave me shoulders to cry on, and did whatever necessary to make me smile. Everyone who sent me funny or sweet texts just to cheer me up. And all of the people near and far who texted/messaged/called me when they heard the news and offered their support and encouragement. Really, you all are amazing.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
-2014: "Let's not go there." ditto from last year.
2015: *crickets chirping* 

14. Where did most of your money go?
-2014: Medical bills. So many medical bills.
2015: bills. New tires. Responsible things.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
2014: Christmas with Emma. And never having a period again! Hah.
2015: Christmas with Emma! Even though it was bittersweet and riddled with tears. My two trips to see my BFF. And some much-needed relaxation time on some camping trips.

16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
2014: Ugh, I don't know.
2015: "Elastic Heart"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder: 2014: Sadder in some ways, happier in others, if that makes any sense. It was a really trying year in so many ways.
2015: sadder by far. 
Thinner or fatter? 2014: Maybe thinner still? I don't remember how much I weighed this time last year, but I know I haven't gained all of my weight back. Some, though! With my health issues, I went all the way down to 92 or 93 pounds. Definitely not good.
2015: Fatter. But I feel healthy and strong like the ox.
Richer or poorer? 2014: Richer. Pay increase, paid off one car. Cheaper insurance for the kiddo... but daycare. So maybe we're about even. Feels like we're ballin' though... jk jk.
2015: somewhere in between. I'm about to be broke AF though.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
2014: "Blogging. Crafting." ditto. And taking time off work that wasn't related to medical issues. 
2015: making myself a priority. Doing what makes me happy. 

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
2014: BLEEDING. omg. And being in a hospital/doctor's office/cancer center
2015: crying. Apologizing for wanting to be happy.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
2014: "Christmas Eve at my parents' house. Then gifts at home on Christmas morning. Then Christmas afternoon/evening at the in-laws' house." same routine this year. Except way more enjoyable, because Emma had so much more fun. She even did a present-opening dance Christmas Eve because she was so excited. 
2015: Same routine again. Plus lots of crying, so let's hope 2016 is a little more cheerful, eh?

21. Did you fall in love in 2015?
My cheap answer: I fell more deeply in love with my baby girl every single day ;)


22. What was your favorite TV program?
2014:   "The Office" and "Parks and Recreation" FOR SURE. 
2015: Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, Eastbound and Down

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-2014: I still don't hate anyone, but there are some people that I've willingly deleted from my life.
2015: still no hate. Anger, yes. But no hate.

24. What was the best book you read?
2014: I was slackin' on my book reading. But "Gone Girl" is pretty good so far. I'll go with that.
2015: I slacked even more on my book reading this year UGH

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
2014: I don't think I had one this year... sad! Lots of great music, but no "discovery"
2015: Sia, I guess. 

26. What did you want and get?
 2014: My new job. Effing yes.
2015: Lots of quality time with my daughter

27. What did you want and not get?
2014: Well I always want diamonds... 
2015: That's too personal of a question this year.

28. What was your favorite film?
2014:  "I'm not sure what movies I watched this year! Bah!" This is always going to be a problem for me. I really liked "The Lego Movie" (hah!) and The Hunger Games, duh.
2015: I actually really liked Ex Machina. 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
2014: I continued my streak of terrible birthdays. I was three days out from surgery. I spent the majority of the day in bed, in pain. That was it. No birthday celebrations at all this year. But hubby bought me a nice massage table that he gave to me early so we could use it before I wasn't able to lie on my tummy for weeks on end.
2015: I turned 29- my last year in my 20's. Went out to dinner. 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?

2014: To be honest, the year wasn't immeasurably satisfying. But, having my family and being alive today are wonderful things :) 
2015: pass.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
2014: "Working professional by day, mom by night" pretty much sums it up. I finally ditched the idea of putting on makeup for a quick shopping trip. I've finally made the transition to skinny jeans. And I'm definitely dressing more for my body- finding things that fit better and aren't too big on me.
2015: More dresses and pencil skirts. Which was the result of working out my legs more, and having more of a tan, so I wasn't showing off pasty chicken legs anymore lol. And yoga pants and tank tops at home ALWAYS.

32. What kept you sane?
2014: My friends, for sure. 
2015: music. Friends. Family. Being a mom (counterintuitive, I know. She drove me to the brink of insanity at times... but no matter what, I always hold it together because I have her)

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-2014: Chris Pratt. Swoon.
2015: Chris Pratt forever. And J Law.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
-2014: Marriage equality. And companies having more rights than women. Ugh.
2015: marriage equality for the win! 

35. Who did you miss?
-2014: My best friend! Saying goodbye to her was the most sad moment of the whole year. We could't let go of each other... but seeing her again was one of the most joyful moments of the year as well.
2015: My best friend again. 

36. Who was the best new person you met?
2014: Some people at work who quickly became friends. 
2015: ditto! And a few people I previously knew, that just became much closer to my heart this year.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
2014: I am in control of my own happiness. I can let something destroy me, or I can conquer it and move on.
2015: Life is too short to let anyone ruin your happiness. It is vital to be independently happy. 

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
2014: "Even the stars, they burn. Some even fall to the earth. We've got a lot to learn, but God knows we're worth it"
2015: ^^ouch! but this year... "and another one bites the dust. It's hard to lose a chosen one. You did not break me, I'm still fighting for peace. I've got thick skin and an elastic heart. But your blade might be too sharp. I'm like a rubber band and if you pull too hard, I may snap and I move fast. You won't see me fall apart. Cuz I've got an elastic heart." 

Birthday, the Third.

No.

No.... no. Nooooooo. NONONONONONONONO MY BABY IS NOT TURNING THREE TOMORROW NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Before I get to the birthday stuff. I apparently attempted to write a blog post a few months back and never finished. But what I did end up writing was worth a copy and paste:

"Mommy confession: I sometimes fantasize about having a nice, warm bonfire. Beer in hand. Maybe some marshmallows to roast... and as I gaze into the crackling fire in my mind's eye, I picture myself grabbing an Elmo and throwing his little wide-eyed face into the center of the inferno. And scene.

Elmo. Freaking Elmo. My life is consumed with Elmo. And his stupid red furry body. And his obnoxious voice. And his irritating and judgmental stare. I sometimes joke about doing a time study to see exactly how much of my life is devoted to frantically searching for the misplaced Elmo at nap/bed time."

Yea... full-on Elmo rant. That's how I roll these days.

Alright, birthday stuff.

So for the prior two birthdays, I did a little Emma Q&A but obviously she couldn't answer the questions herself. This year, I decided to ask her the questions and see what her responses would be, assuming we'd get two questions in and she'd decide she was done working for the day. I was actually quite shocked that she not only answered the questions (most of them, sometimes with some gentle coaxing and mild threats jkjkjk) but put some philosophical thought into the answers (or was she just distracted by bath crayons?) and most of her answers were pretty accurate. Oh and it's worth a mention that I videotaped it but because it was during bath time, that ish isn't going on the internet. Sorry. So anyways.... *cracks knuckles*

(here's a link to last year's post)

How old are you?
...so funny thing is, my answer last year was "this many *holds up two fingers*" and that is quite literally what she did this time. Hah!
Emma's answer: *holds up two fingers* "two" (I then asked her how old she'll be tomorrow, and she laboriously switched to hold up three fingers.)

What's your nickname?
Emma's answer: "Emma Tater" (how she says her full name)
Mommy's answer: So many things. Tater, Emmy, Em, punkin, boo, little

What is your favorite color?
Emma's answer: "Pink and purple"
Mommy's answer: Yep. Pink and purple. EVERYTHING MUST BE PINK AND PURPLE.

What is your favorite animal?
Emma's answer: "umm... uuhhhh... horse!"
Mommy's answer: What she said.

What is your favorite book?
Emma's answer: "ummmmm. Animal. Animals book"
Mommy's answer: Right now, her book of colors. She's been less interested in books lately.

What is your favorite TV show?
Emma's answer: (in a very matter of fact tone with no hesitation) "Boos Coos and Bubble Guppies" translation- Blue's Clue's and Bubble Guppies
Mommy's answer: "We sit down in our thinking chair and think.... think.... thiiiiiiink" (I could sing Blue's Clue's songs in my sleep. Actually I probably do) and yea... Bubble Guppies.

What is your favorite movie?
Emma's answer: "ummm... Monster's Game" translation: Monster's Inc.
Mommy's answer: Monster's Inc. is the only movie she's really actually watched. So I guess it's her favorite by default.

What is your favorite song?
Emma's answer: *plays with her bath crayons and refuses to answer* She finally said "Ring Around the Rosie"
Mommy's answer: Old MacDonald (I don't "neigh" like a horse in proper fashion according to her) and Ring Around the Rosie. And Mary Had a Little Lamb. And Hush Little Baby. And Wheels on the Bus.

What is your favorite drink?
Emma's answer: "umm... Apple juice"
Mommy's answer: Apple juice runs in her veins.

What is your favorite dinner?
Emma's answer: (she pretty much refused to answer this one too) "I like to eat..." *gets distracted by her bath crayons and says "surpriiiiiiise"* and finally, much later on when we revisited this question, she says "broccoli" (she hates broccoli)
Mommy's answer: Tacos. And for the love of God, do not put onions on it and do not forget lots of sour cream.

What is your favorite snack?
Emma's answer: "Yogurt"
Mommy's answer: Yogurt, fruit snacks, and anything that is a snack,

What is your favorite outfit?
Emma's answer: "Ice cream jammies"
Mommy's answer: during the day, she loves her Hello Kitty shirt and her pink skirt, or her Jelly the Pug dress. At night, she's obsessed with her princess nightgown.

What is your favorite game?
Emma's answer: reluctantly and with much coaxing, she said "Monsters"
Mommy's answer: Minecraft with daddy on the iPad. She also loves playing catch.

What is your favorite toy?
Emma's answer: "the ladybug" (again, no idea what she's talking about. Must be something at school)
Mommy's answer: the iPad.

Who is your best friend?
Emma's answer: "daddy and mommy"
Mommy's answer: I concur.

What is your favorite thing to do?
Emma's answer:
Mommy's answer: Talk incessantly. Cry unnecessarily loud when told 'no'

What's your favorite holiday?
Emma's answer: "ummm... trick or treat and holiday"
Mommy's answer: Her birthday without a doubt. Then Christmas. But this kid is obsessed with birthdays.

What is your favorite thing to take to bed with you at night?
Emma's answer: "Chubby Bunny. And Elmo"
Mommy's answer: Elmo. Chubby Bunny. Two soft blankets. The turtle blanket. And the "blanket Grammy bought" and they must be arranged properly OR ELSE.

Where is your favorite place to go?
Emma's answer: "Home"
Mommy's answer: The pool. Grammy and Pop's house. Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Where do you want to go on vacation?
Emma's answer: "To see Miss Georgie" (from the daycare)
Mommy's answer: My guess would be Disney, if she knew it existed.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Emma's answer: "a mommy and daddy"
Mommy's answer: She once told me she wants to do nothing when she grows up. Big dreams, kid.

What did you do for your birthday? (I asked her what she wants to do on her birthday since it hasn't arrived yet)
Emma's answer: "get celegrations" which means have celebrations. But I could not understand her for the life of me. She repeated it about ten times before I figured out what she was saying.
Mommy's answer: If there are balloons and cupcakes then she will be happy.

GTFO, 2014.

Nostalgic New Year's Post.... GO!

I just realized it's been nearly three months since I posted anything. It goes without saying that A LOT has changed in that time. However, I did find the beginning of a post I wrote on 10/30 and never finished:

"I don't know how I could be so absent-minded that I would forget to announce to world (yes, the world... somehow I have lots of Russian readers) that the baby had her first ever successful trip to a public potty. OMG HOW COULD I FORGET SUCH NEWS?!

I also don't know how I could forget that my child is unlike any other child that has ever existed, ever. I know, I know... every child is unique and special in their own way and blah blah blaaahhhh. But for real- take every bit of info you've ever heard on what's typical for a child and throw that crap right out the window. i.e. "after you start potty training, don't put a diaper back on the child or he/she will get confused." Ahem, nope. She appears to"

...and that's where I left off. I have no idea why I stopped blogging that night... could have been that the baby woke up, husband wanted to hang out, or... I don't know... I looked up and noticed that one of my wine glasses was out of place in the china cabinet and spent the rest of my night organizing random... no. No that never happens. More than likely, it was option 1 or 2, or I fell asleep face-down on my laptop on the couch. Picture drooling. That.

Anyways, the point I was about to make was that we put the baby (I know, I know, she's not a baby anymore but... sssssshhhhhhh) in a diaper to take her out shopping because she was still afraid of public potties and I didn't want to end up in that freak out omg my kid just peed her pants in the middle of Target moment. When we got to Target, after a few other stops, the kid said "I need to go potty." So I tried taking her and... she did it. I was blown away... and, you know, I didn't have anything with me like an extra diaper or panties or anything of the sort and she wasn't wearing her shoes so I couldn't let her feet touch the floor. So it was an awkward and unplanned process but whatevs. She peed on that damn potty like a boss. Of course we bought her a toy to celebrate. Of course. So yes, my kid is that weirdo that refused to pee in her diaper after being potty trained. Woop.

So then it became a game. Every time we'd go somewhere, she'd announce in her tiny little muppet-like voice "I need to go poooooootty." And we'd try. And sometimes she would go, and sometimes she wouldn't. Side note: you don't truly realize how absolutely gross a public potty is until you're squatting in front of one while holding a tiny two-year-old. She's sitting there thinking it's fun, and I'm trying to find a spot on the wall that doesn't have a mystery stain on it so I can focus on that and not the mystery stains. *vomit* Luckily, she quickly lost interest in going potty in public places and sometimes still gets a little scared of certain public toilets (like at the park) so she only goes if she really really has to.

So potty training: check. She still has an occasional accident and we keep her in a pull up at night and during her naps because I'm not that much of a risk-taker these days. Her pull up is soaked by morning time, so we're nowhere near nighttime potty training. Usually she's dry after her nap but again, not always and that's not a risk I want to take (i.e. short nap and changing pee sheets). I still get this little twinge of excitement when I get home from work and see that she's still wearing the same pants I sent her to school in. Score.

She has officially earned her "tiny human" badge. She is no longer a baby (nonononononono she's still a baby. SHE'S STILL A BABY) and is quite literally a tiny little person who has opinions, wants, struggles (so many struggles), likes and dislikes (more dislikes than likes, these days), an imagination, and a sense of humor. She's a hilarious kid, and intentionally does things to make us laugh. Definitely our child, no doubt.

On the boasty side of business, she knows all of her letters but still gets confused occasionally. X and K get mixed up, for instance. She can sometimes tell you "R for rabbit!" but that's more rote memorization than actually having an understanding of phonics. Thanks, VTech! She can still quantify 2, which she's been doing for a long time ("two Elmos! Two cups!") but beyond that, she hasn't gotten the hang of quantities of 3, 4 etc. Makes bedtime great... I'll go to pick out three or four books and she'll say "I want TWO books!" and I gladly oblige. Although most times I sneak in a third or fourth and she has no clue. She's been speaking in full sentences for longer than I can remember and can hold a conversation. In fact, her verbal skills are off-the-charts still. She's tiny even for a 2 1/2 year old, and often times in public people will hear her speak and will marvel at how tiny she is and how scholarly she sounds (if you ask "how are you today?" she'll answer with "I'm fine, thanks").

Oh yea, and she's almost 2 1/2. So that means: she's constantly whiny, demanding, bossy, and will argue you about the most fundamental black-and-white things. My days are filled with:

"I NEED Elmo!"
"I need to get down!"
"No, it's NOT nighttime" (when it is totally nighttime and there is no disputing it)
"I don't waaaaaaaaaant it"
"Mommy, sit in the chair right now!"

I feel like she taunts me. I dispute your logic, mommy.

One anecdote from last night: I got home from work and the hubs and bubs were already home. Hubs and I were chatting while I put my stuff away and I realized it was quiet. I asked where the baby was, and he said she was probably still exercising in her bedroom (hilarious in and of itself). We both walked into the hallway to her wing of the house (minus the laundry room, that whole part of the house is hers- bathroom, play room, bedroom. It's her palace. We need a sign for it) and as we rounded the corner, we were just in time to see her toss a piece of toilet paper into her old Baby Bjorn pink potty chair and start pulling up her pants IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY. She had gone into one of the hall closets, found her old potty chair, and decided she wanted to pee in it. My guess is that she must have put it down, pulled down her pants, peed, walked into the bathroom to get toilet paper, and then returned to finish her business. I almost cried from laughing so hard.

No one tells you that watching a tiny 2-year-old go potty and wash her hands all by herself is one of the darned cutest things you'll ever see. Aaaaaannnnnnddddddd that sounded kinda creepy. But you know what I mean, right?

Having her in daycare has been great. She's fully adjusted and while she's not always thrilled to go to school, she's blossomed in so many ways. The only not-so-great thing about daycare is the sickies that she brings home. She has single-handedly ravaged my immune system over the last month. The week before Thanksgiving, she woke up at about 6am one morning and started puking. She stopped throwing up by the end of the day, but was feverish and under the weather the next day, which was a Friday. She proceeded to have a cough for weeks afterward, and we took her to the doctor and got some antibiotics to kick the rest of it. She was such a champ at the doctor.. the ARNP said "if all of my two-year-olds were this good, my job would be so easy." She seriously was perfect, even though she was sick. Poor kid. She's finally feeling better, but still has an occasional forceful cough.

**So remember that: puking for one day, feverish and under the weather for another day or two. But still running around (aside from vomiting day) like a maniac.

This started an awful snowball effect of terrible sleep at night. She'd wake up screaming every few hours. I started out by going in and trying to soothe her... rocking her in the rocking chair until she fell back asleep did the trick. But it only got worse. I'd go into her room and she'd be crying and saying "I need a wipe!" (for her nose) or "I need to rock!" so I'd rock her to sleep. It started to get old, and I could see a habit forming. Night after night of getting up and tending to her started to wear on me. Doesn't help that I always stay up way too late to begin with, and was not feeling well myself. Once I knew she was feeling better, I bit the bullet and told her that i wasn't coming back into her room for a wipe or rocking. I eased her into it by rocking her for less time and then stopping. Remember, I never sleep trained my kid. And she's always been a great, independent sleeper. So I knew we would get back to that... I let her cry it out for a bit one night, and it worked pretty well. The next night... awful. She woke up at about 2am (I think? I can't even remember) and spent about an hour and a half crying and repeating "I neeeeeeeed a wiiiiiiipppppe." I was literally on the brink of insanity. I turned the baby monitor volume all the way down (which is still loud, dammit. They need a "mommy needs her sanity but still needs to be able to see the baby" mode) and grabbed my headphones to listen to some music. It was that bad. She was literally just saying "I need a wipe" over and over and over and over again. Forget water boarding. Give a POW my melting down two-year-old for an hour. They'll sing like a bird. But after that night, she slowly stopped getting up in the middle of the night. And all is well *knock on wood* although she fights bed time like crazy now. And sometimes gets up out of bed repeatedly after we put her to bed. But that's to be expected.

The day after she was puking, I went to work and was coughing all day long. That night, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Torturous body aches, a headache that wouldn't go away, chills, fatigue. I wanted the misery to end. Luckily, I had a doctor's appointment the next day (yay for Saturday appointments!). Because, you know, I can't not have something dramatic going on. Take a simple trip to the eye doctor, for instance. The doctor completed the exam and dropped the bomb that I have astigmatism and need to wear glasses or contacts all day. Yippee (the only silver lining is that Tiffany and Co. makes frames now so woop to that). I sat with someone who was helping me pick out frames and she took my blood pressure and.... surprise! It was 180/121. Then it lowered to 177/118. Yay! The doctor hesitated to let me leave, and urged me to go to the hospital. Hell no. It would cost me $600 just to walk through the door. And I'm guessing they would run a bunch of tests to make sure my organs were still functioning properly so I was looking at at least $1000 in medical bills just for my damn blood pressure. Thanks, but no thanks. I ended up sitting at the eye doctor's office for a while, just making small talk with him while he tried to get a hold of my primary care doctor. I finally told him I would go to one of the nearby offices for my job, work from there, and that way I can run over to my doctor if need be or go to the ER. I ended up having my blood pressure checked at the primary care doctor's office and it was still red-alert level and they also encouraged me to go to the emergency room. Again, no thanks. So they scheduled me for a Saturday appointment to talk meds with the ARNP. Thank god, because I felt like I was dying from the flu by the time Saturday rolled around. She prescribed me an anti inflammatory to help bring my fever down because Tylenol wasn't working and I can't take ibuprofen or most NSAIDS. Also gave me a blood pressure med and sent me on my way. I ran out to the car and made hubby get the paperwork and pay the copay because I thought I was going to heave. Ugh, misery. It took me almost a week to start to feel like a human being again... I'm never skipping my flu shot again. Then my cough wouldn't go away, and I'm pretty sure I ended up with bronchitis from it. Another trip to the doctor, this time with a script for a new blood pressure medication that wouldn't cost $70 a month like the previous one would. Except, it makes me sleepy so I'm not taking it anymore. Ugh. I got some meds for my cough and just when I started to feel better it happened. I felt like I had a splinter in my thumb. Then one in my ring finger too... and by the next morning (a Sunday) the bottoms of my feet had sore bumps too. I was officially sporting a Hand Foot and Mouth Disease rash. Day two was the worst. I felt like I was walking on needles, and everything I touched felt like shards of glass. Misery. Agony. Gaaaaaahhhhhh. I went home from work early and soaked in an oatmeal bath which provided a brief bit of relief. Until I got out, and my floor transformed into needles again (and OMG oatmeal baths are gross!). I then slept for a few hours. I was exhausted- the pain actually woke me up in the middle of the night the night before. That day was the worst, and after that it slowly got better. And, you guessed it- just when I started to feel better... bam. "One of the worst UTI's" the urgent care doctor has ever seen. Misery. Torture. Agony. Which all came in within the span of about 5 hours. Yay me. Go big or go home. Although, I just wanted to go home. Grrrr.

So yea. I want to crawl into a hole and hide out for a few months. Send me letters, I'll need something to read.

NOW. Obligatory New Year's post! Can I just say that I'm so excited for 2014 to be over? WORST YEAR EVER.


"1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?

- too many things I didn't want to do, that's for sure. But I took my first solo plane flight and first solo trip out of state! And it was marvelous.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- I don't make New Year's resolutions, for good reason.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
- Yep! One of my best friends had her second kiddo recently and she's so stinking adorable I can't handle it.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
- "No. And I'm so completely grateful for another year without a significant loss." that was my answer from last year, and it still stands this year. Whew.

5. What countries did you visit?
- 'Merica.

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
- "Free time. My job has consumed my life, and I'm regretting the lack of 'me time'" was my answer from last year. Completed. New job, more free time. Yay! This year's answer: I'd like to have my health back. And more happiness. Less tears.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
- 3/11/14, my first biopsy; 3/14/14- getting the "we have your biopsy results and you need to come in as soon as possible and bring your husband" phone call; 4/24/14- my first surgery; 4/25/14- Emma has a seizure; 5/2/14- the "cancer... remission... oncologist" visit with my doctor; 6/17- my hysterectomy, 7/2- bleeding profusely and going into shock.
None of those are good dates. 2014 sucked.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
- I got another promotion at work! Livin' the good life now. Oh, and I didn't die. I feel like, considering the crap I went through this year, that's a huge effin' accomplishment. And I'm pretty sure I champed through my surgeries like a boss... I was up and walking around within a couple of hours of coming out of anesthesia after my hysterectomy. LIKE A BOSS. And potty training the kiddo. *bicep flex*

9. What was your biggest failure?
- Being healthy? Not bleeding profusely after a surgical procedure? Finishing the damn artwork I've been working on for Emma's room.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
- Obvious answer here. Moving along...

11. What was the best thing you bought?
- Wow these were much easier to answer last year... hmmmm. I guess my iPhone 6. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
- A lot of people, actually... my big brother, who always checked in with me to make sure I was ok, and was genuinely concerned for my health. We haven't always been close, but over the last few years he's been so supportive in my most trying times. My in-laws, who were always willing to watch the baby so we could have a break. My step-mother-in-law, who came up to our house on short notice at like 10:00 at night (when she had to work the next day!) so someone could be with the baby overnight without having to wake her up, so Josh could rush me to the cancer center while I was bleeding out (literally, omg still traumatized by that). My parents, who also helped tremendously with watching the kiddo during the week and driving up to my office to pick her up and drop her off, which was so helpful. And my mom for making an hour-long drive to my house a few times to watch the baby so I could rest and recover. Some of my coworkers, who supported me when I was sick, let me vent when I was stressed out, and made me laugh on my darkest days. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
- "Let's not go there." ditto from last year.

14. Where did most of your money go?
-  Medical bills. So many medical bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
- Christmas with Emma. And never having a period again! Hah.

16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
-  Ugh, I don't know.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder: Sadder in some ways, happier in others, if that makes any sense. It was a really trying year in so many ways.
Thinner or fatter? Maybe thinner still? I don't remember how much I weighed this time last year, but I know I haven't gained all of my weight back. Some, though! With my health issues, I went all the way down to 92 or 93 pounds. Definitely not good.
Richer or poorer? Richer. Pay increase, paid off one car. Cheaper insurance for the kiddo... but daycare. So maybe we're about even. Feels like we're ballin' though... jk jk.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
- "Blogging. Crafting." ditto. And taking time off work that wasn't related to medical issues. 

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
- BLEEDING. omg. And being in a hospital/doctor's office/cancer center

20. How did you spend Christmas?
- "Christmas Eve at my parents' house. Then gifts at home on Christmas morning. Then Christmas afternoon/evening at the in-laws' house." same routine this year. Except way more enjoyable, because Emma had so much more fun. She even did a present-opening dance Christmas Eve because she was so excited. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2014?
-  it was a trying year, for sure. But somehow through all of it, I have fallen in love with my hubby all over again :) 

22. How many one-night stands?
- "Zero. Point. Zero." and this is never going to change. I may take this question off for next year.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
-  "The Office" and "Parks and Recreation" FOR SURE. 

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
- I still don't hate anyone, but there are some people that I've willingly deleted from my life.

25. What was the best book you read?
- I was slackin' on my book reading. But "Gone Girl" is pretty good so far. I'll go with that.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
- I don't think I had one this year... sad! Lots of great music, but no "discovery"

27. What did you want and get?
- My new job. Effing yes.

28. What did you want and not get?
- Well I always want diamonds... 

29. What was your favorite film?
- "I'm not sure what movies I watched this year! Bah!" This is always going to be a problem for me. I really liked "The Lego Movie" (hah!) and The Hunger Games, duh.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
- I continued my streak of terrible birthdays. I was three days out from surgery. I spent the majority of the day in bed, in pain. That was it. No birthday celebrations at all this year. But hubby bought me a nice massage table that he gave to me early so we could use it before I wasn't able to lie on my tummy for weeks on end.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?

- To be honest, the year wasn't immeasurably satisfying. But, having my family and being alive today are wonderful things :) 

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
- "Working professional by day, mom by night" pretty much sums it up. I finally ditched the idea of putting on makeup for a quick shopping trip. I've finally made the transition to skinny jeans. And I'm definitely dressing more for my body- finding things that fit better and aren't too big on me.

33. What kept you sane?
- My friends, for sure. 

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
- Chris Pratt. Swoon.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
- Marriage equality. And companies having more rights than women. Ugh.

36. Who did you miss?
- My best friend! Saying goodbye to her was the most sad moment of the whole year. We could't let go of each other... but seeing her again was one of the most joyful moments of the year as well.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
- Some people at work who quickly became friends. 

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
- I am in control of my own happiness. I can let something destroy me, or I can conquer it and move on.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
- "Even the stars, they burn. Some even fall to the earth. We've got a lot to learn, but God knows we're worth it"

Wine for Whining

Things this mommy can make with Play-Doh:
Balls
Small balls
Blueberries
Pancakes
Bowls
Marshmallows
The end.

Playing with Play-Doh makes me feel like an untalented idiot. Especially thanks to my artistically inclined husband, who can make almost anything the baby asks for. So every time the baby and I sit down with Play-Doh, she starts asking for me to make lizards, people, teeter-totters, etc.... and I'm all like "let me make you a blueberry!" I redeem myself with the xylophone and my bedtime rendition of "Rockabye Baby."

By the way, this could very well be my first blog post written while consuming wine. So... sorry if it's obvious. I guess it couldn't be much worse than blogging while post-op and under the influence of narcotics. Although I'm already sensing that my typing skills are worse with wine than they were with the narcotics... #backspaceismybestfriend

Is there an anonymous support group for mothers of two-year-olds? Somewhere I can go and hang my head in shame while admitting the thoughts that run through my head as I'm chasing a screaming toddler through the house and shouting "put down the pool noodle!" and "no Goldfish!" In my mind, the other moms at said support group would all hug me and say "it's ok, girl, we've all been there" and then hand me wine and life gets better. Does that exist? It should.

Because right now, parenting this monster is NOT EASY. Omg, it's downright exhausting.

So crazy baby started daycare at the beginning of September- I found a nice little home daycare not too far out of the way from my new job (woop! Got a sweet new job with the same pay and 25% of the stress. Score.) and we took the plunge and enrolled her. I wasn't freaking out about the transition as much as I thought I would, which is most likely due to the fact that I was so crazy busy at work that I didn't have time to stress over anything else. I also figured she was in good hands, and for some reason knew I didn't need to worry. Day 1 was great. Day 2 was meh. And after that... this kid caught on to the fact that Mommy would leave and not come back until much later. Then started the crying when I would leave, and it broke my heart. So I tried to keep the goodbyes sweet and simple, and reminded her that I would be back. And just over the last week, she has made major progress with the drop-offs. She started to be alright with me leaving if I handed her off to one of the daycare ladies- if I tried to put her down, she'd dig my heels into my stomach and try to crawl up higher on me. And UGH my belly button is still sore from surgery and she reminded me of that. Thanks, kid. Anyways- I was actually able to put her down before leaving twice within the last week and she didn't have a fit. Progress!

Oh, and potty training. OMG GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH it's awful. Considering the fact that I did the most awesome thing by putting my child in daycare like two months after starting potty training (sarcasm!) I can't really complain too much. Two big transitions at the same time... yikes. She regressed a bit last week and started having multiple accidents per day, to the point that she was being sent home in a diaper and t-shirt because she peed through all of the extra pairs of shorts and underwear I sent in her daycare bag. I did LOTS of laundry last week. She started peeing in her highchair every.damn.time at daycare and at home, even if she had just peed right before sitting down. I think that's finally starting to subside. And of course, at home I wouldn't realize it until I picked her up and felt the lovely warmth and wetness through my shirt, because I don't learn these things very quickly and it takes like 5 pee-pee shirts for me to figure out that I need to check her BEFORE picking her up. Grrr. But she did better this weekend, and better today too. Fingers crossed.

Two weekends ago was just awful. I don't know if it was molars, being two-years-old, the universe being out to get me again, being overtired, or a combination of all of those, but she was hell-on-wheels all weekend long. Here's an example of what I was dealing with:

Emma: "Play with Play-Doh!"
*mommy puts the baby in the high chair and gives her Play-Doh*
Emma: NoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOO!!!! *screams bloody murder and cries*

I literally could not keep her happy at all. I found myself looking at the clock, counting the hours until it was bedtime. And ugh, I felt guilty about that. I should enjoy every second with my screaming two-year-old, right? I should be hugging and kissing on my sweet little miracle baby every second, even when she's trying to slap me and is laughing in my face to mock me the entire time, right? Right?

I love her, I really do.

Because in between the "NO, I DON'T WANT IT!" and "NO POTTY!" moments, she's stinking adorable. Who am I kidding, sometimes I have to hide my smile when she's in a crappy mood because she's even adorable when she's raging angry. Sometimes. But mostly, I take a deep breath and envision myself hopping on the first flight to the Bahamas, then sitting on a beach while a bartender pours me cold drinks and someone fans me with a palm frond, while yet a third person feeds me junk food and no one judges me at all.

The craziest development is that we can have full conversations with her now, and she tells us about what happened during her day at school. She'll even randomly start telling us something that another child at daycare did... apparently one day, her little bunk-mate tried to lay on Emma's nap mat. What a jerk. Emma can hold her own, though... just today, she was telling me that her friend from school was going to work. I asked where, and she said in the daycare owner's car. I asked if she worked there too, and she said yes. So my guess is that the two of them are running some kind of toddler Chop Shop and are slowly selling the parts to the daycare lady's car. If her car mysteriously stops running, I'm going to have to call the cops on my own child.

Another new development: dolls and dress-up! Girly things, yay! She doesn't really play with her baby dolls, per se, but has this one Pottery Barn doll with long legs that she has lovingly named "Cheese" and totes around sometimes at home. She puts her in the high chair and buckles her in, then "feeds" her and gives her milk from a sippy cup. She'll also put Cheese to bed and give her goodnight kisses and sing her songs (just like I do, which is soooooooooo freaking adorable that I melt into a little puddle of goo), and puts her in her little doll stroller and walks her around the house. She crashes a lot, though... poor Cheese. Cheese. LOL. And dress up! She likes to put on a little dress-up skirt and twirl like a ballerina until she gets dizzy and falls down, at which point I laugh at her and tell her she's beautiful.

I wish I could bottle her energy and take hits of it during the day... I swear she's like a toddler tornado, especially at night, and I can't figure out how it's even possible some days. I spend the better part of every evening trying to prevent her from killing herself/breaking things/killing the dog/killing me.

And I honestly wouldn't change it for the world. The other day, I realized that I was mindlessly stepping over a pool noodle that was lying in the middle of the master bedroom floor (my house isn't messy, but you can tell a very spoiled two-year-old lives here). Like it was no big deal that there was a POOL NOODLE on the floor in my bedroom. I chuckled, and put that thing where it belongs- in the living room. lol. I don't believe that pool noodle has actually been in a pool for even a second of its life... the baby just likes to run around the house waving it around and almost breaking everything. Come to think of it, that sucker is going in the garage tonight.

Oh, and she HATES bedtime now. Score one for jinxing myself on that! Woo! Some nights she cries and refuses to lay down (but always does because I'm mom and I have more willpower than an overtired two-year-old) but mostly she stalls like crazy. She knows I'm a sucker for kisses, so she usually ones one more kiss and one more hug and sing songs in the bed and sing songs in the chair. She thinks she's clever, but I'm on to her. Although, admittedly, I give in to one more kiss every night. Because who wouldn't want one more kiss from that adorable face?

Oh, and I'm feeling pretty fan-freaking-tastic these days. I'm sure it's a combination of things right now, but not having that pesky uterus has been amazing. My pain has decreased tremendously, although I do have some bad days where things just hurt for no apparent reason. But otherwise, I'm feeling wonderful! My bellybutton is still sore when pressed or when I stretch out during yoga but that's the only lingering reminder of my surgery, other than the scars. Which aren't too bad, but are high enough that they stick out from underneath my swimsuit :(

And scene. Time for bed, so that I can prepare myself for another week of chasing around an insane toddler.